more bad dreams
Sep. 25th, 2000 07:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollugh.
2 bad dreams.
one in which some guy was trying to be overly touchy of me, and when i snapped back and threatened to press charges the dream went through some twsts and turns in which he tried to get me killed, but failed.
then i go into class the next day and he's there.. and i flip out, and somehow need to explain this all to my teacher (who was actually my high school psych teacher and who i thought was really cool) but she kept getting bombarded by other people needing to talk to her, and then the kid wads trying to tell her some lie that actually made me look like the bad guy and i was all stressed because i couldn't get her attention and was really worried that she wouldn't believe me.
then the alarm goes off.
and i try to tune it out, assuming bill is going to get it...
..only its still going...
so after another minute i poke my head up to realize that bill isn't even in the room & i need to leave the warm fuzzy blankets to turn it off...
..and i'm in a ripshit mood...
*sigh*
so after being a pain in bill's ass for a while, i fell back asleep.. and had bad dream #2...
in this one, it was a bday party for tobi - spud was organizing it, and it was this big fantasy thing where most of us had to go through this castle that looked really tiny and worked with a whole bunch of optical illusions to get people through it...
and it was going to be this huge affair - spud was walking around organizing things, there was a pamphlet that let you ote on which song should be played that everyone was looking over while waiting for the next instruction...
and then i was standing by the side of it with tobi, who was all dressed up, and she was doing her 'stressing over details' and i was trying to calm her down.. and theni made a comment about how someone wasn't there yet.. and she snapped at me for pointing out something else for her to stress over... and then the next person to come up to us was (for some reason) my cousin from israel's mother, and after wishing tobi happy birthday she said that she had something for me, and dug in her bag - pulling out these russian candies, and a movie (that was for some reason on a record)... and then she insisted on setting it up for me right then and there...
so next i am watching this movie (somehting random & bladk and white) and eating the candies and i'm totally spaced out.
and then i snap to, go back to the little castle, and the party is nearly over!
like all the neat stuff has been done, most of the people have left, and noone had remembered to get me...
and i was so hurt and angry...
and i went to just go home, but my grandma (don't ask why she was tere) tried to talk me out of it as i'm stomping off...
but when i get to the car its door is open... and then i realize that there's a tow truck right there and its about to be towed...
and then i wake up during the episode of me crying to the tow truck guy to just let me drive off and him wanting money for it...
*sigh*
and i really should start setting the aarm on MWF, as to make my first class i need to leave by 11, and i didn't wake up nearly in time to shower before 11, and i'm too icky to go anywhere without a shower.
and the funyn part is, i know where most of the stuff in the bad dreams came from.
like the guy trying to push himself on me... before faling asleep, i was thinking about being pressured into things and who was responsible. because on the one hand, the person pressuring isn't playing fair, but on the other hand, the person giving is choosing to let themselves be pressured (though i will give that there are circumstances when it isn't really a choice), so its still their fault...
and i thought back to the two guys that suceeded in pressuring me... about how with one, i resent him for it a lot more so then the other...
and i realized that even though i have and am taking responisbility for my choices, i am more resentful of one because with him, the choice that i was making i was made to feel likei had made inadvertedly(sp) rather then a clear thought-through decision... while with the other one, i was more aware of the games he was playing...
and the being left behind for tobi's party while spaced out in front of a tv... thats because i've been feeling like life is passing me by while i sit there and try to find the motivation to do something, anything... and everyone else just keeps on going...
the picking of a song was actually from the drive home from tobi's house last night... moondance (i think thats the name of the song) came on the radio, and i was thinking about how its such a perfect wedding song...
and the car being towed has just been standard motif for the past few months..
but all this makes me wonder if there's something eally wrong because i keep giving myself these bad dreams... and then i wake up feeling like shit...
*sigh*
2 bad dreams.
one in which some guy was trying to be overly touchy of me, and when i snapped back and threatened to press charges the dream went through some twsts and turns in which he tried to get me killed, but failed.
then i go into class the next day and he's there.. and i flip out, and somehow need to explain this all to my teacher (who was actually my high school psych teacher and who i thought was really cool) but she kept getting bombarded by other people needing to talk to her, and then the kid wads trying to tell her some lie that actually made me look like the bad guy and i was all stressed because i couldn't get her attention and was really worried that she wouldn't believe me.
then the alarm goes off.
and i try to tune it out, assuming bill is going to get it...
..only its still going...
so after another minute i poke my head up to realize that bill isn't even in the room & i need to leave the warm fuzzy blankets to turn it off...
..and i'm in a ripshit mood...
*sigh*
so after being a pain in bill's ass for a while, i fell back asleep.. and had bad dream #2...
in this one, it was a bday party for tobi - spud was organizing it, and it was this big fantasy thing where most of us had to go through this castle that looked really tiny and worked with a whole bunch of optical illusions to get people through it...
and it was going to be this huge affair - spud was walking around organizing things, there was a pamphlet that let you ote on which song should be played that everyone was looking over while waiting for the next instruction...
and then i was standing by the side of it with tobi, who was all dressed up, and she was doing her 'stressing over details' and i was trying to calm her down.. and theni made a comment about how someone wasn't there yet.. and she snapped at me for pointing out something else for her to stress over... and then the next person to come up to us was (for some reason) my cousin from israel's mother, and after wishing tobi happy birthday she said that she had something for me, and dug in her bag - pulling out these russian candies, and a movie (that was for some reason on a record)... and then she insisted on setting it up for me right then and there...
so next i am watching this movie (somehting random & bladk and white) and eating the candies and i'm totally spaced out.
and then i snap to, go back to the little castle, and the party is nearly over!
like all the neat stuff has been done, most of the people have left, and noone had remembered to get me...
and i was so hurt and angry...
and i went to just go home, but my grandma (don't ask why she was tere) tried to talk me out of it as i'm stomping off...
but when i get to the car its door is open... and then i realize that there's a tow truck right there and its about to be towed...
and then i wake up during the episode of me crying to the tow truck guy to just let me drive off and him wanting money for it...
*sigh*
and i really should start setting the aarm on MWF, as to make my first class i need to leave by 11, and i didn't wake up nearly in time to shower before 11, and i'm too icky to go anywhere without a shower.
and the funyn part is, i know where most of the stuff in the bad dreams came from.
like the guy trying to push himself on me... before faling asleep, i was thinking about being pressured into things and who was responsible. because on the one hand, the person pressuring isn't playing fair, but on the other hand, the person giving is choosing to let themselves be pressured (though i will give that there are circumstances when it isn't really a choice), so its still their fault...
and i thought back to the two guys that suceeded in pressuring me... about how with one, i resent him for it a lot more so then the other...
and i realized that even though i have and am taking responisbility for my choices, i am more resentful of one because with him, the choice that i was making i was made to feel likei had made inadvertedly(sp) rather then a clear thought-through decision... while with the other one, i was more aware of the games he was playing...
and the being left behind for tobi's party while spaced out in front of a tv... thats because i've been feeling like life is passing me by while i sit there and try to find the motivation to do something, anything... and everyone else just keeps on going...
the picking of a song was actually from the drive home from tobi's house last night... moondance (i think thats the name of the song) came on the radio, and i was thinking about how its such a perfect wedding song...
and the car being towed has just been standard motif for the past few months..
but all this makes me wonder if there's something eally wrong because i keep giving myself these bad dreams... and then i wake up feeling like shit...
*sigh*
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no subject
Date: 2000-09-25 09:45 am (UTC)There's so much pressure these days to accomplish and excel. I wonder if anyone ever truly feels that they've done enough in their lifetime?
Maybe all we need to accomplish in life is happiness, friendship, family, and love. I think my goal from now on is to be able to look back and feel that I've been a good person and filled my life with good people.
And you are definitely a good person. :)
Re:
Date: 2000-09-25 11:07 am (UTC)and yeah... i hear you on the pressure... i'm close to being done with college and i have no clue whats next... anytime i go to visit my family they ask me what i plan to do with my life as if i don't feel incomplete enough because of my lack of goals without their help...
and its not event hat they mean any harm... they just let their annoyance show and it pushes my buttons : (
but yeah... i used to say that one of my goals is not to have any regrets... but i've so intergrated that into my life that its not really a goal anymore... and nothing has really replaced it...
i think being content should definately be a goal... i guess what i'm missing most is my own little niche in life... finding something to do that i'd find satisfying...
and maybe thats what its supposed to be about...
heh... how is that for a divergent, self-centered rant?
...i wonder if there's something about the fall that causes sentimentality...