quitters never win
Sep. 29th, 2000 10:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollor why i am thinking about another hiatus from school...
(this was originally going to be a part of a letter to tobi, but i decided i might as well post it here)
yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
the day before i decided to start taking st. john's wort again, after i spent the majority of an afternon near tears and making bill miserable along with me. not because i was just in a bad mood, but because it was obvious to me that nothing but a chemical imbalance was making me so miserable - everything in my life is just fine.
and a few hours after taking the pills, my mood brightened - by 10pm i was actually bouncy! i thought it was great - my life was mine again...
in the morning, i forgot to take the pills..
but i was ok... i went to school, i came back, i was planning a surprise for bill... and i took more pills.
but around 5pm something went haywire again.
and i was crying.
the initial trigger is that the sushi dinner i was planning would end up costing more then i expected, but thats realy no biggie in the grand scheme of things... and even realizing that right then and there only made me feel worse because i couldn't control myself...
i struggled to stop crying, but i felt more like a little puddle of shit... i felt horrible that i didn't have control over my actions, and even worse was knowing that without the (herbal) meds i was reduced to that little... that it took psychoactives to make me function...
and i felt so alone, too...
i kept going through the list of people that i could possible turn to and finding a reason for which i couldn't.
the only person i can go when i am like that is kira... i can't begin to thank her for how much she's been there for me...
it took me about 30-40 minutes to stop crying, and even then i was sobbing to fight the tears for a good while... and kira became unidle during that time and that helped me a lot... just knowing that she was out there... that she can understand, and that she wants to be there... and yes i know other people are there and want to help me... but i just can't handle burdening others with me when i am that bad, and historically, she somehow always finds the right things to say to calm me down...
and then slowly the pills started kicking in more and more...
and it was yesterday now, but even now thinking about it turns my stomach...
and yeah, that was an extreme and hopefully it will not happen again... but it has me very scared...
and i am scared that with school, i've just bitten off more then i can swallow...
i am having a really hard time making it to my classes... and even a harder time doing homework... and i don't want to say that its because of the deppression and thats how things just are... its just that fighting it is so hard... its like the smallest things take so much effort.
and it makes me feel like shit, too... not just because i am 'down', but because i dig into myself and what/how i feel nauseates me.. its like i was so sure i was over that part of my life, and here it is again...
and the other part is that being broke has really been stressing me...
i hate it so much...
its like this constant black cloud hanging over me, reminding me that i am perpetually on the last dollars in my wallet, that there is so much i can't do...
i don't know...
i guess the biggest thing is that i am afraid to fail...
that i want a slightly easier battle to fight...
and that now that i know i have no support from my father (who is supposed to be paying my tuition but isn't) i can save up lots of money while working to make going back easier (cuz even at tiac, at $10/hr, i managed to save up 3K for a car, and 2K for the trip to london)...
but i don't know.
deep down i know that not finishing this semester is probably not the right choice....
and that once i make it through this, spring semester should be no big deal...
and if i'm really burned out then, i can consider taking it easy during the summer and go through fall & spring again, thus delaying my expected graduation date by only 5 months.
and even thinking these thoughts is helping a bit - making it seem less big & bad & out to get me...
but its still hard...
and i just don't know if i could ever forgive myself if i fail...
(this was originally going to be a part of a letter to tobi, but i decided i might as well post it here)
yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
the day before i decided to start taking st. john's wort again, after i spent the majority of an afternon near tears and making bill miserable along with me. not because i was just in a bad mood, but because it was obvious to me that nothing but a chemical imbalance was making me so miserable - everything in my life is just fine.
and a few hours after taking the pills, my mood brightened - by 10pm i was actually bouncy! i thought it was great - my life was mine again...
in the morning, i forgot to take the pills..
but i was ok... i went to school, i came back, i was planning a surprise for bill... and i took more pills.
but around 5pm something went haywire again.
and i was crying.
the initial trigger is that the sushi dinner i was planning would end up costing more then i expected, but thats realy no biggie in the grand scheme of things... and even realizing that right then and there only made me feel worse because i couldn't control myself...
i struggled to stop crying, but i felt more like a little puddle of shit... i felt horrible that i didn't have control over my actions, and even worse was knowing that without the (herbal) meds i was reduced to that little... that it took psychoactives to make me function...
and i felt so alone, too...
i kept going through the list of people that i could possible turn to and finding a reason for which i couldn't.
the only person i can go when i am like that is kira... i can't begin to thank her for how much she's been there for me...
it took me about 30-40 minutes to stop crying, and even then i was sobbing to fight the tears for a good while... and kira became unidle during that time and that helped me a lot... just knowing that she was out there... that she can understand, and that she wants to be there... and yes i know other people are there and want to help me... but i just can't handle burdening others with me when i am that bad, and historically, she somehow always finds the right things to say to calm me down...
and then slowly the pills started kicking in more and more...
and it was yesterday now, but even now thinking about it turns my stomach...
and yeah, that was an extreme and hopefully it will not happen again... but it has me very scared...
and i am scared that with school, i've just bitten off more then i can swallow...
i am having a really hard time making it to my classes... and even a harder time doing homework... and i don't want to say that its because of the deppression and thats how things just are... its just that fighting it is so hard... its like the smallest things take so much effort.
and it makes me feel like shit, too... not just because i am 'down', but because i dig into myself and what/how i feel nauseates me.. its like i was so sure i was over that part of my life, and here it is again...
and the other part is that being broke has really been stressing me...
i hate it so much...
its like this constant black cloud hanging over me, reminding me that i am perpetually on the last dollars in my wallet, that there is so much i can't do...
i don't know...
i guess the biggest thing is that i am afraid to fail...
that i want a slightly easier battle to fight...
and that now that i know i have no support from my father (who is supposed to be paying my tuition but isn't) i can save up lots of money while working to make going back easier (cuz even at tiac, at $10/hr, i managed to save up 3K for a car, and 2K for the trip to london)...
but i don't know.
deep down i know that not finishing this semester is probably not the right choice....
and that once i make it through this, spring semester should be no big deal...
and if i'm really burned out then, i can consider taking it easy during the summer and go through fall & spring again, thus delaying my expected graduation date by only 5 months.
and even thinking these thoughts is helping a bit - making it seem less big & bad & out to get me...
but its still hard...
and i just don't know if i could ever forgive myself if i fail...
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no subject
Date: 2000-09-29 03:34 pm (UTC)i guess i look at it a few ways.
you shouldnt do more then you can handle. i do agree with you there.
i guess my point is, instead of justing saying, ok this is all i am capable of and leaving it there, why not fnid ways of coping? cut down to what you are comfortable with, but still try and find out whats wrong.
basically, you wont be failing unless you give up. i guess i see giving up as giving into the the forces that are controling you. but if you say, ok i will cut back but find a way to control myself, i dont see that as giving up or failing.
basically right now, you don't have the control. you are succumbing to the other situations and forces that are controling you. and while that fight may be too hard to take head on, there is a happy medium between too much and just giving in all together.
because in all that you have talked about, maybe you shouldnt be focusing on whether you should be in school or not, but maybe on why you can't handle it.
Re:
Date: 2000-09-29 09:10 pm (UTC)the tough thing is that simple things like getting dressed, brushing my hair, making some food or stepping out of the house become battles, too...
and yeah, i know i have always been one of those people that wears jammies to school once in a while, and i still think that once in a while is okay... its the fact that i've had to battle with myself to wear clothing every day... the fact that i have regressed to brushing my hair like once every 2 days... the fact that i've hit hunger pains trying to force myself to boil water...
and yeah... school has been majorly affected... hell, i've missed my first MWF class simply because i couldn't force myself to actually get dressed in time for it...
its just that the 'why' sucks.
its chemical imbalances. i don't need a doc to tell me this again - i know what it feels like... and the thing that sucks about SAD is that it just hits - there's no real cause for it... i've just never had it this extreme before... and honestly i'm really scared...
and i guess i see working rather then school as compromise... i wouldn't be the couch potato the deppression in me is trying make, but my productiveness would be reduced to less daily battles... and less chance of failure...
and its funny... when the meds are in, i am mostly back to myself.. and pulling through this does seem more manageable... but in the crests the fear takes over...
Re:
Date: 2000-09-29 09:31 pm (UTC)this is actually my third time on meds...
i hit my first (and pretty much only until now - it just lasted 5 years) bout with depression when i was 14... and i rode out all the lows... it got to the point when i oculdn't imagine being any other way - it was a part of me, it controlled my thought patterns, and i just took as 'the way i am'...
then senior year in high school, 2 months from graduation day, i realize just how far gone i am in my classes - failing every one other then AP english (i had an A in that, figures!) and after weighing out my options i told my mom i need to see a shrink.
who was more then happy to put me n welbutrin.
i honestly don't know if it was that, or the caffiene pill addiction i picked up at the same time, but i pulled a miracle out of my ass and walked down the field in the damn gettup. i didn't even realize that i *could* graduate until they let me into the ceremonies!
...and when it was all done, i was done with the pills. i honestly don't remember what effects they had, but i do remember that i loathed taking them. and i was determined that i was meant to work through my problems myself
then, two years ago, i started getting anxiety attacks.
on the grand scheme of anxiety attacks they were far from terrible, but they were a bit more then i could handle.
my mom recommended st. john's wort and i was at the point of desperation - if anything could possible help, i would've tried it.
and it worked.
not only did it work... my deppression was also magically lifted away.
it iddn't even hit me right away... one day i just realized how long its been since the third rail looked tempting... since bridges were a temptation...
and my life has been so much different since.
i've felt more like a full person then i ever remember feeling... and i liked it...
and then a couple of weeks ago this started settling in...
my mom maybe right.. i probably should've started on the pills earlier... it probably wouldn't have progressed as much... now, after yesterday, i've developed a gnawing fear of 'what if the pills wear off before the next dose sets in'... i can't imagine having to go through something like that again...
but i also hate feeling like who i am is 'fake'...
i guess the whole thing i've took the really long time to get to is that i don't plan on being on the meds for very long.
i'll be surprised if i last on them till the end of the semester...
but i also hope to have this thing nipped in the butt by then...
but yeah... being on them now does suck :/
and i guess i am overly lucky to have kira...
she understands... she has always found the right things to say... for years now! ...i probably wouldn't even be alive now if it wasn't for her... ...and though i really hate burdening others with a broken me i can't imagine not having the knowledge that she is out there in the back of my head...
(yes kir - this does mean myriads of thanks to you!)
Re:
Date: 2000-09-29 10:38 pm (UTC)i guess what i am trying to say is that there must be someway you can get help with this. some way to overcome it. some way where you dont feel like a failure and you cant to do the things you want to do. i dont know if that will take medication or therapy or whatnot. but i guess my main theme is, that i believe you can overcome this. i know you dont want this controling you. if there is anyway that i can help you, let me know.
*hugs*
Re:
Date: 2000-09-30 09:19 pm (UTC)at the worst, i went through 2 packages on vivarin in 2 weeks... it was the last 2 weeks of high school, and i had 6 final prjects to start and finish - with passing the course dependent on each one - on top of working 15-20 hours a week and needing to be in a wedding in the weekend between the weeks.
i slept 2 hours a night, if that much, and if it could be called sleep...
by graduation day, 3 mexican coffes at dante's in new york city (which are triple espressos with a shot of tequila) did nothing but keep off a headache - i drove home nearly falling asleep behind the wheel.
and the comedown was hard.
sheer luck that i worked 2 doors away from a dunkies, and the guy there had a crush enough on me to give me like 2 large iced coffees a day while charging me for less then the cost of one...
...and the weekends were just really hard for the first few weeks...
but yeah.. that experience along with just generally not liking having anything 'extra' in my system has really influenced my choices a lot...