(no subject)
Aug. 28th, 2002 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollmy house was shaking this morning.
the whole block was probably shaking this morning, it seems they're digging a new basement for a house two doors down. i was rather surprised at how little noise the whole mess is making, because the shaking was much more bothersome then volume.
i also had a very disturbing dream.
it involved someone of below-healthy mental capacity dying in my house without anyone (me included) doing anything to prevent it / deal with it afterwards, for a large variety of really wrong reasons. just thinking about it makes me shudder... but that's a huge step up over how scared/disturbed i was while trying to wake up... i think that's the most shook up i've been over a dream in ages.
and yeah, it meant something. it was about how passive-aggressive i can be/am in certain situations. the extreme scenario of the dream was prolly a reminder about the danger of cutting off my nose to spite my face.
the thing is, i have a much easier time fighting being passive-aggressive when i can believe a situation can be resolved by me being straightforward. when faced with the choice of being passive-aggressive or actively banging my head against a wall, its really hard to look at the latter as the better solution. i guess the problem is that somehow being zen about the situation should be an option, but its not.
its also hard to reconcile my role in the situation. its just a matter of someone else's choices, decisions and actions affecting my life. and yes, its all someone else. but, there's an 85% chance that if i had been more proactive, stuff wouldn't be this bad. only i didn't, and prolly still don't, have it in me to be proactive about the situation. and that makes me uncomfortable. and knowing that i'm not doing anything to help the situation, and possibly some things to perpetuate it, is really disturbing me, too. and i wish i could just fucking snap out of it.
and it all opens up another can of worms... about how sometimes, when i feel that i'm being expected to or am actively giving more then i am receiving, i lose the ability to see past my nose enough to see the other person(s) trying or actually giving. i just don't recognize actions for what they are. and i'm very scared that that could be affecting this situation.
*sigh*
on a cheerier note, i had a rather good evening last night :)
got home, took the shower i was craving, and then had a yummy dinner and hung out with pope tom. i think i'm definitely getting a mini-broiler this fall, and i see lots of acorn squash in my future : )
when i got home, i just putzed around the computer a bit and then hung out with him.
and i was a bad kid this morning and bought something on ebay. it was kind of an impulse buy and kind of not. i'm just worried that it may not fit : (
and no grade yet.
its almost tempting to email the professor, but i'm not quite there. if there's no grade next Tuesday, i think i will.
and need to call school to see if the bunker hill transfer is approved. j0y.
the whole block was probably shaking this morning, it seems they're digging a new basement for a house two doors down. i was rather surprised at how little noise the whole mess is making, because the shaking was much more bothersome then volume.
i also had a very disturbing dream.
it involved someone of below-healthy mental capacity dying in my house without anyone (me included) doing anything to prevent it / deal with it afterwards, for a large variety of really wrong reasons. just thinking about it makes me shudder... but that's a huge step up over how scared/disturbed i was while trying to wake up... i think that's the most shook up i've been over a dream in ages.
and yeah, it meant something. it was about how passive-aggressive i can be/am in certain situations. the extreme scenario of the dream was prolly a reminder about the danger of cutting off my nose to spite my face.
the thing is, i have a much easier time fighting being passive-aggressive when i can believe a situation can be resolved by me being straightforward. when faced with the choice of being passive-aggressive or actively banging my head against a wall, its really hard to look at the latter as the better solution. i guess the problem is that somehow being zen about the situation should be an option, but its not.
its also hard to reconcile my role in the situation. its just a matter of someone else's choices, decisions and actions affecting my life. and yes, its all someone else. but, there's an 85% chance that if i had been more proactive, stuff wouldn't be this bad. only i didn't, and prolly still don't, have it in me to be proactive about the situation. and that makes me uncomfortable. and knowing that i'm not doing anything to help the situation, and possibly some things to perpetuate it, is really disturbing me, too. and i wish i could just fucking snap out of it.
and it all opens up another can of worms... about how sometimes, when i feel that i'm being expected to or am actively giving more then i am receiving, i lose the ability to see past my nose enough to see the other person(s) trying or actually giving. i just don't recognize actions for what they are. and i'm very scared that that could be affecting this situation.
*sigh*
on a cheerier note, i had a rather good evening last night :)
got home, took the shower i was craving, and then had a yummy dinner and hung out with pope tom. i think i'm definitely getting a mini-broiler this fall, and i see lots of acorn squash in my future : )
when i got home, i just putzed around the computer a bit and then hung out with him.
and i was a bad kid this morning and bought something on ebay. it was kind of an impulse buy and kind of not. i'm just worried that it may not fit : (
and no grade yet.
its almost tempting to email the professor, but i'm not quite there. if there's no grade next Tuesday, i think i will.
and need to call school to see if the bunker hill transfer is approved. j0y.
