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Warning: this contains bitching, if you don't want to hear it, skip about halfway down
i should be asleep.
i wish i could be asleep.
i tried laying down and telling myself everything will be okay... but the knowledge that c. is still at my house keeps my insides in knots.
i am in NJ, i should be able to not care, right?
i wish?
but for some background, it wouldn't be bother me one bit if she was just there today.
but she's been there since friday.
and she was aksed to leave once, too!
*sigh*
i mean maybe i am that much more sensitive then the average person, but you put anyone, even anyone i like, in my house for 3 days without prior warning and i'm bound to flip out. i just don't deal well with being around people i am not comfortable with for extended periods of time. but this was just adding insult to injury.
or better yet, that the situation ruined the nice day i was going to have with bill the day before my surgery is insult to injury. literally, even.
because she wouldn't leave, and on the 3rd day, any tolerance i had for her presence had totally worn through, bill and i had bickered rather then enjoying each other's company.
yes, i will admit i need better stress and people management. but damnit, we aren't running a homeless shelter, either! and what kind of rudeness is it to stay somewhere after being asked to leave?!
*sigh*
i kind of wish i had the balls to tell her off when she didn't leave.
i totally should have.
it just so aggravates me that my comfort day was ruined.
so now when i lie down to sleep my thoughts go from visualizing her presence in the house to the damn IV needle thats going to be in my hand tomorrow.
i almost wish bill was here to hold me, but i've been using him as a crutch way too much lately.
he pointed it out today and he's totally right.
yet another thing i need to work on...
*sigh*
and yeah, i am scared about tomorrow.
i just want it over with.
and i want to be back home.
and i want for everything to be ok.
a talk with bill made me realize just how broken i am.
its like i'm am pieces of a person, strewn about... but they all need to connect.. and its almost like i've somehow made it bill's job to try and hold together as many as he can.
i need to stop being depressive.
i need to learn to manage stress and anger.
i need to fix my social anxiety.
i need to stop using bitchyness as a crutch/facade.
i need to fix my insecurity.
i need to fix my willpower.
how is that for a to do list?
*sigh*
i was going to write about other stuff earlier, too...
about having gone to manray last night, and how it was good to see ed, good to dance some, and really good to see tobi have a good time & get to spend some time talking to her.
about how i am kinda sad that bill doesn't like 80's night, but how it may also create a safe apart time for us...
about how i am stressed with chris for not doing his half of the project we're supposed to work on because i was really counting on that as money to live off & it doesn't feel good to see him blowing it off.
and yeah, i know i should have known better... somehow i just keep thinking that if its important enough he'll come through... especially as this is me helping him, too... *sigh*
about how this entry made me think back to high school... and how i was one of those kids that stayed apart from the crowds, and how back then i, too, thought i had something on them.
but now i am not sure anymore.
not that i think that they had something better then what i have... i just don't know if i had was better. because look at me now. i am two breaths away from drowning in my own shit (pardon the vulgarity) on the road i am taking... and if theirs bypasses that problem, who's to say who has a better clue about life. because the bottom line is trying to be content, and if different things make them content who am i to judge the value of those things?
its like finding out your mom was right with age.
when debbie was 3 my mom asked me what my problem with her was. and i told her that i could see, from that point on, that she would grow up to be one of those kids, "the kind that don't have real friends, don't want to learn, and just keep up an image", i said. and my mom came back with "so why can't one of you be like that?"... and until now i've always taken that as a sign of resignation on the part of my mom... and now i know differently.
i've also been thinking about carla justice a lot lately. she was someone i was friends with my junior year in high school. then, the cool freaks picked her up & she pretty much dropped me like dead weight. only it happened really oddly. i just got the vibe the distance vibe & made myself scarce. we had our last period class together during senior year, and she made it quite clear she wasn't going to graduation to the entire class, and never said a word to me through the 'school's out' cheers. and on & off i go through periods where i'm almost expecting to see her around the next corner and consider calling her... there's this lingering curiousity to see how she's doing... and maybe find out why she chose to drop me as a friend...
i actually did kinda see her once - i realized at a stop light around here that the car in front of me had to be her car (i knew what kind of car she was getting even though i'd never seen it before), and i tired calling her once, it was probably like 2 years ago, but she wasn't home and i didn't leave my name.
but its odd... there's no reason to think that she's still in the scene, or would ever be anywhere i am... but its like this cloud sets over me, and i start looking out for her features.
i briefly considered giving her a call this time around, but the timing is all wrong.
maybe if there are no interviews scheduled for wednesday and i feel better by tuesday or something...
kinda goes to show, too, how once i feel attached to someone they're always kinda there for me.
yeah.
on a similar note, when i got in last night, the household was watching this infomercial of 'the 90's collection'. it was so bad. not just in terms of the song list - some of those were ok, but in terms of the associations they brought up. because on the whole, i didn't have too many good experiences growing up, so the preportionally(sp), it just really swung into the negative. and yet it was like the car accident thing, when you know its bad, but you keep watching it.
*sigh*
one of the more amusing ones was ace of base's 'i saw the sign' - it triggers the memory of seeing the kid i was trying to hit on at a USY all-nighter event running out of the dance room as i was walking in & the DJ put the song on. i think it was like 2 or 3am by then, and the song was getting played for like the 3rd time...
maybe it was a 'you had to be there' thing??
another was 'how do you talk to an angel' from that horrible TV show. because no matter what, i was still a pre-teen (early teen?) girl then & thought that actor was cute, but also back then, my stepdad's sister's boyfriend (now husband) looked like him then. (he doesn't anymore).
and another was en vogue, you're never going to get it. thats monty. this kid from 8th grade who briefly dated my friend tanya and tried to then tell me he was just dating her to get to know me better. he also sent me my very first love letter, which should still be somewhere in my letter-pile upstairs.
yay sentimentality?
although... it could be the antidote for anger, as thats pretty much gone for now (even though i do still need to force evil thoughts not to get me back to that state).
but yeah... maybe i can sleep now....
i should be asleep.
i wish i could be asleep.
i tried laying down and telling myself everything will be okay... but the knowledge that c. is still at my house keeps my insides in knots.
i am in NJ, i should be able to not care, right?
i wish?
but for some background, it wouldn't be bother me one bit if she was just there today.
but she's been there since friday.
and she was aksed to leave once, too!
*sigh*
i mean maybe i am that much more sensitive then the average person, but you put anyone, even anyone i like, in my house for 3 days without prior warning and i'm bound to flip out. i just don't deal well with being around people i am not comfortable with for extended periods of time. but this was just adding insult to injury.
or better yet, that the situation ruined the nice day i was going to have with bill the day before my surgery is insult to injury. literally, even.
because she wouldn't leave, and on the 3rd day, any tolerance i had for her presence had totally worn through, bill and i had bickered rather then enjoying each other's company.
yes, i will admit i need better stress and people management. but damnit, we aren't running a homeless shelter, either! and what kind of rudeness is it to stay somewhere after being asked to leave?!
*sigh*
i kind of wish i had the balls to tell her off when she didn't leave.
i totally should have.
it just so aggravates me that my comfort day was ruined.
so now when i lie down to sleep my thoughts go from visualizing her presence in the house to the damn IV needle thats going to be in my hand tomorrow.
i almost wish bill was here to hold me, but i've been using him as a crutch way too much lately.
he pointed it out today and he's totally right.
yet another thing i need to work on...
*sigh*
and yeah, i am scared about tomorrow.
i just want it over with.
and i want to be back home.
and i want for everything to be ok.
a talk with bill made me realize just how broken i am.
its like i'm am pieces of a person, strewn about... but they all need to connect.. and its almost like i've somehow made it bill's job to try and hold together as many as he can.
i need to stop being depressive.
i need to learn to manage stress and anger.
i need to fix my social anxiety.
i need to stop using bitchyness as a crutch/facade.
i need to fix my insecurity.
i need to fix my willpower.
how is that for a to do list?
*sigh*
i was going to write about other stuff earlier, too...
about having gone to manray last night, and how it was good to see ed, good to dance some, and really good to see tobi have a good time & get to spend some time talking to her.
about how i am kinda sad that bill doesn't like 80's night, but how it may also create a safe apart time for us...
about how i am stressed with chris for not doing his half of the project we're supposed to work on because i was really counting on that as money to live off & it doesn't feel good to see him blowing it off.
and yeah, i know i should have known better... somehow i just keep thinking that if its important enough he'll come through... especially as this is me helping him, too... *sigh*
about how this entry made me think back to high school... and how i was one of those kids that stayed apart from the crowds, and how back then i, too, thought i had something on them.
but now i am not sure anymore.
not that i think that they had something better then what i have... i just don't know if i had was better. because look at me now. i am two breaths away from drowning in my own shit (pardon the vulgarity) on the road i am taking... and if theirs bypasses that problem, who's to say who has a better clue about life. because the bottom line is trying to be content, and if different things make them content who am i to judge the value of those things?
its like finding out your mom was right with age.
when debbie was 3 my mom asked me what my problem with her was. and i told her that i could see, from that point on, that she would grow up to be one of those kids, "the kind that don't have real friends, don't want to learn, and just keep up an image", i said. and my mom came back with "so why can't one of you be like that?"... and until now i've always taken that as a sign of resignation on the part of my mom... and now i know differently.
i've also been thinking about carla justice a lot lately. she was someone i was friends with my junior year in high school. then, the cool freaks picked her up & she pretty much dropped me like dead weight. only it happened really oddly. i just got the vibe the distance vibe & made myself scarce. we had our last period class together during senior year, and she made it quite clear she wasn't going to graduation to the entire class, and never said a word to me through the 'school's out' cheers. and on & off i go through periods where i'm almost expecting to see her around the next corner and consider calling her... there's this lingering curiousity to see how she's doing... and maybe find out why she chose to drop me as a friend...
i actually did kinda see her once - i realized at a stop light around here that the car in front of me had to be her car (i knew what kind of car she was getting even though i'd never seen it before), and i tired calling her once, it was probably like 2 years ago, but she wasn't home and i didn't leave my name.
but its odd... there's no reason to think that she's still in the scene, or would ever be anywhere i am... but its like this cloud sets over me, and i start looking out for her features.
i briefly considered giving her a call this time around, but the timing is all wrong.
maybe if there are no interviews scheduled for wednesday and i feel better by tuesday or something...
kinda goes to show, too, how once i feel attached to someone they're always kinda there for me.
yeah.
on a similar note, when i got in last night, the household was watching this infomercial of 'the 90's collection'. it was so bad. not just in terms of the song list - some of those were ok, but in terms of the associations they brought up. because on the whole, i didn't have too many good experiences growing up, so the preportionally(sp), it just really swung into the negative. and yet it was like the car accident thing, when you know its bad, but you keep watching it.
*sigh*
one of the more amusing ones was ace of base's 'i saw the sign' - it triggers the memory of seeing the kid i was trying to hit on at a USY all-nighter event running out of the dance room as i was walking in & the DJ put the song on. i think it was like 2 or 3am by then, and the song was getting played for like the 3rd time...
maybe it was a 'you had to be there' thing??
another was 'how do you talk to an angel' from that horrible TV show. because no matter what, i was still a pre-teen (early teen?) girl then & thought that actor was cute, but also back then, my stepdad's sister's boyfriend (now husband) looked like him then. (he doesn't anymore).
and another was en vogue, you're never going to get it. thats monty. this kid from 8th grade who briefly dated my friend tanya and tried to then tell me he was just dating her to get to know me better. he also sent me my very first love letter, which should still be somewhere in my letter-pile upstairs.
yay sentimentality?
although... it could be the antidote for anger, as thats pretty much gone for now (even though i do still need to force evil thoughts not to get me back to that state).
but yeah... maybe i can sleep now....
