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anonymity...
Nov. 26th, 2000 01:23 ami seem to like my anonymity so much.
i do my best not to have my real name on the net.
i went to alumni.net & still didn't give them my right name.
i've never thought that someone finding me would be a good thing...
but yet i am so nosy.
today, i did google searches for some people from high school.
found 2.
one was a close frined back in cali... she had major separation anxiety and pulled away quickly as soon as she found out i was moving away... she lost touch with the rest of our common friends after graduation, too.
i hear she doesn't really go online/check her email.. but id o now have her email addy at my disposal.
a part of me really wants to find her, hear how she is doing, etc... but a part of me knows she'll reject that, take it as a breach of her privacy. and knowing that thats how she'd interpret it makes me think that it would be wrong to try.
the second one i was never close with.. i watched her from afar (she was a close friend of 2 of my close friends, at separate times) but was too shy to approach her.
that, and there was an awkward incident when we first met that i felt like she resented me for (nothing i did to her, just didn't know how to behave in an awkward social situation & kinda left her alone in a room with people that were picking a fight with her).
then, when i was visiting after moving to NJ, somehow it happened that she took me to an art class with her, and we talked the entire time.
and then i went back to NJ.
and i have actually found her before, too. i had been asking kristine about how she is doing, and when kristine told me she'd lost touch of her, i found her email addy.
kristine got a hold of her, but i guess the message of me asking her to email me never went through, and then she disapeared again.
and now, i've found an email addy for her for the 2nd time.
and i would feel so out of my water emailing her.
first off, it would be a 'remember me???' deal. and then, she's actually doing stuff with her life. like a lot of stuff. stuff that i really admire, but cannot compare to. and it makes me feel that i'm not worth her time.
(and *sigh* i really need to get a hold of kristine. i feel like such a shit for not keeping in touch better)
and now, i found not only the email address, but the phone number & street address of this kid i had a huge crush on, too.
and the ironic thing is that i recognized his street adress - its a street not even a block from where my old house was!
and again, i will never contact him.
i've been keeping quiet dibs on him for years now. not stalker-like, but sometimes its nice to know that this super cute boy is still out there.
and of course, twitch in the irony that my x zak used to be like best friends with him.
but did i really need to think about zak?
*snicker* i think its funny how neither one of us gotin touch with each other after hanging out in july.
i would think it even funnier if he read this.
despite the fact that i still think of myself as an overemotional weekling for having seen him in july. after the stunt he pulled over the winter i shouldn't have bothered. hell, after what meager communication we've had since breaking up - what is it - like 5 years ago now, i should have known better then to bother each and every single time i have. its like every time i think 'well, maybe things will be different now', and every time, even if its for slightly different reasons, i am left slightly nautious by the encounter. my mind just keeps going back to the smile he gave me when i pulled my hair back at the sushi place, waiting for kira, and i find it sad that in a way, i can't take that as a compliment from him... that i would've probably been really confused if something like that didn't come out of him, but i still can't take it as a compliment. nevermind that i was moderately weirded out by him playing base through our conversation (or attempt at such) in his co-op - i will never associate that with anything other then the sadness that was us 'being together' (dramatic irony moment - we were a long distance relationship).
and heh.. all of that should have gone here, but it usually takes me a while to sort out weird feelings from inside my gut.
maybe i should rename this entry to nostalgia??
better yet, i should prolly just go to sleep.
and i am sure if nothign else, kira will be very amused by this entry.
i do my best not to have my real name on the net.
i went to alumni.net & still didn't give them my right name.
i've never thought that someone finding me would be a good thing...
but yet i am so nosy.
today, i did google searches for some people from high school.
found 2.
one was a close frined back in cali... she had major separation anxiety and pulled away quickly as soon as she found out i was moving away... she lost touch with the rest of our common friends after graduation, too.
i hear she doesn't really go online/check her email.. but id o now have her email addy at my disposal.
a part of me really wants to find her, hear how she is doing, etc... but a part of me knows she'll reject that, take it as a breach of her privacy. and knowing that thats how she'd interpret it makes me think that it would be wrong to try.
the second one i was never close with.. i watched her from afar (she was a close friend of 2 of my close friends, at separate times) but was too shy to approach her.
that, and there was an awkward incident when we first met that i felt like she resented me for (nothing i did to her, just didn't know how to behave in an awkward social situation & kinda left her alone in a room with people that were picking a fight with her).
then, when i was visiting after moving to NJ, somehow it happened that she took me to an art class with her, and we talked the entire time.
and then i went back to NJ.
and i have actually found her before, too. i had been asking kristine about how she is doing, and when kristine told me she'd lost touch of her, i found her email addy.
kristine got a hold of her, but i guess the message of me asking her to email me never went through, and then she disapeared again.
and now, i've found an email addy for her for the 2nd time.
and i would feel so out of my water emailing her.
first off, it would be a 'remember me???' deal. and then, she's actually doing stuff with her life. like a lot of stuff. stuff that i really admire, but cannot compare to. and it makes me feel that i'm not worth her time.
(and *sigh* i really need to get a hold of kristine. i feel like such a shit for not keeping in touch better)
and now, i found not only the email address, but the phone number & street address of this kid i had a huge crush on, too.
and the ironic thing is that i recognized his street adress - its a street not even a block from where my old house was!
and again, i will never contact him.
i've been keeping quiet dibs on him for years now. not stalker-like, but sometimes its nice to know that this super cute boy is still out there.
and of course, twitch in the irony that my x zak used to be like best friends with him.
but did i really need to think about zak?
*snicker* i think its funny how neither one of us gotin touch with each other after hanging out in july.
i would think it even funnier if he read this.
despite the fact that i still think of myself as an overemotional weekling for having seen him in july. after the stunt he pulled over the winter i shouldn't have bothered. hell, after what meager communication we've had since breaking up - what is it - like 5 years ago now, i should have known better then to bother each and every single time i have. its like every time i think 'well, maybe things will be different now', and every time, even if its for slightly different reasons, i am left slightly nautious by the encounter. my mind just keeps going back to the smile he gave me when i pulled my hair back at the sushi place, waiting for kira, and i find it sad that in a way, i can't take that as a compliment from him... that i would've probably been really confused if something like that didn't come out of him, but i still can't take it as a compliment. nevermind that i was moderately weirded out by him playing base through our conversation (or attempt at such) in his co-op - i will never associate that with anything other then the sadness that was us 'being together' (dramatic irony moment - we were a long distance relationship).
and heh.. all of that should have gone here, but it usually takes me a while to sort out weird feelings from inside my gut.
maybe i should rename this entry to nostalgia??
better yet, i should prolly just go to sleep.
and i am sure if nothign else, kira will be very amused by this entry.
