![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Jun. 4th, 2002 10:53 amso i was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster yesterday...
started off the day just fine, looking forward to class and stuff...
then, left class early when i thought i'd need to make an emergency run to the airport. only as soon as i got far enough from school to not want to turn around and come back, the emergency was called off.
so i went home, with the plan of eating lunch & using the extra time to study. i think my biggest problem with schoolwork is how long it takes me to get into the swing of things - when it was 5ish and i was only 10 pages into the book, i lost my shit a wee bit. but then i locked myself into my room, fought my closing eyelids, and the situation started to look more manageable. at this point, i don't know if i'll be able to read another 100+ pages and write a journal entry or two tonight, but i think i'll be okay with myself if i can do over half of whats left of the book read. and i'm actually not minding the book as much this time around - i'm able to flow with the tone. pulling the journal entries might end up being a stretch, though, as nothing in the book is really hitting me. in theory, the professor should be able to understand that, though...
sitting in class, i was thinking about how class puts pressure on me to think/write. because its pretty rare that the class itself is enough to warrant my full attention, and my school notebooks are always filled with doodles, observations and tangents. there used to be poetry, too, but i lost that somehow...
yesterday, during the time i was in class, i was rather annoyed that i wasn't hitting interesting enough tangents, so that notebook page is just doodles. and damnit, back in high school, at least i could doodle well.
after sequestering myself to homework for 3-4 near consequitive hours, i went to pick up![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tobi and spent what should have been dinner (only i didn't eat) hanging out with her. which was good. i got to hear a part of her tales from england, and got to spill some stuff thats been brewing in my head. i've got this morbid curiousity as to how long i could have gone without doing that.
after dropping tobi off, i stayed online & reading for a bit - up until my eyes were nearly not reopening from blinking and my stomach as an inch from hunger pains. then it was definately bed time : ) and this time, i put my down blaket on top of the comforter i used last night (much less effort then putting the downblanket in its cover, which had been in the dryer the night before) and slept pretty damn comfortably. i think my problems sleeping the night before stemmed from not having enough weight on me as much as the comforter not being as warm.
waking up this morning was rough.
i hit snooze for nearly an hour.
and still barely functioned.
no fun.
stuff on a mailing list also triggered a (silly) traumatic memory for me. as far as i can remember right now, i've only been really traumatized/affected by what i saw on TV three times in my life, and i'm not sure which of the first two happened first.
the most traumatic by far was while i was in russia. i think i must've been 6 or 7, and there was a 'news special' on racketeering and how evil the black market (now known as the russian mafia) can be. and they showed this guy at his dacha... and then these mafia guys came in asking for their money. and when he didn't have it, they beat him up some. and then they took off his pants, bent him over a table, and kept a hot iron on him while he screamed in pain. and then they took the iron off, showing his (icky) butt with a red, blistering iron print on it.
yes, its hard to type that... and yes, i can still see and hear it in my head. and no, i don't know why the fuck that was on daytime tv or how i was allowed to watch it.
*shudders*
the second one is much more pleasant in comparison.
i saw a movie about an alien woman who came to earth disguised as a rose and tried to seduce a guy in order to somehow replenish her planet while sucking the life out of the human race. pretty basic, really, just the first sci-fi/mild horror i was ever exposed to. part of the woman's shtick was floating in a bubble...
that night, i had my first & last traditional nightmare, featuring that woman. and then i woke up, thought about it... realized i wasn't really scared & never had a nightmare again. but i can still see the woman in he bubble floating up to my bed in my grandparents' old apartment.
the third one was when i was around 12 or 13. there was a 'special report' on the news about how the 'swimming with dolphins' places in florida are really dangerous because the dolphins get horny and attack people. and they had footage of a dolphin that had a woman by the leg with its penis & was thrashing about & she couldn't get away. and again, i can still see it. and it still flips me out. ((and i was like 12 or 13, too.. it was like the first time i had seen a post-pubescent penis))
(and sidenote - please no dolphin or dolphin parts pictures in the comments. i'm totally serious about it flipping me out).
started off the day just fine, looking forward to class and stuff...
then, left class early when i thought i'd need to make an emergency run to the airport. only as soon as i got far enough from school to not want to turn around and come back, the emergency was called off.
so i went home, with the plan of eating lunch & using the extra time to study. i think my biggest problem with schoolwork is how long it takes me to get into the swing of things - when it was 5ish and i was only 10 pages into the book, i lost my shit a wee bit. but then i locked myself into my room, fought my closing eyelids, and the situation started to look more manageable. at this point, i don't know if i'll be able to read another 100+ pages and write a journal entry or two tonight, but i think i'll be okay with myself if i can do over half of whats left of the book read. and i'm actually not minding the book as much this time around - i'm able to flow with the tone. pulling the journal entries might end up being a stretch, though, as nothing in the book is really hitting me. in theory, the professor should be able to understand that, though...
sitting in class, i was thinking about how class puts pressure on me to think/write. because its pretty rare that the class itself is enough to warrant my full attention, and my school notebooks are always filled with doodles, observations and tangents. there used to be poetry, too, but i lost that somehow...
yesterday, during the time i was in class, i was rather annoyed that i wasn't hitting interesting enough tangents, so that notebook page is just doodles. and damnit, back in high school, at least i could doodle well.
after sequestering myself to homework for 3-4 near consequitive hours, i went to pick up
tobi and spent what should have been dinner (only i didn't eat) hanging out with her. which was good. i got to hear a part of her tales from england, and got to spill some stuff thats been brewing in my head. i've got this morbid curiousity as to how long i could have gone without doing that.after dropping tobi off, i stayed online & reading for a bit - up until my eyes were nearly not reopening from blinking and my stomach as an inch from hunger pains. then it was definately bed time : ) and this time, i put my down blaket on top of the comforter i used last night (much less effort then putting the downblanket in its cover, which had been in the dryer the night before) and slept pretty damn comfortably. i think my problems sleeping the night before stemmed from not having enough weight on me as much as the comforter not being as warm.
waking up this morning was rough.
i hit snooze for nearly an hour.
and still barely functioned.
no fun.
stuff on a mailing list also triggered a (silly) traumatic memory for me. as far as i can remember right now, i've only been really traumatized/affected by what i saw on TV three times in my life, and i'm not sure which of the first two happened first.
the most traumatic by far was while i was in russia. i think i must've been 6 or 7, and there was a 'news special' on racketeering and how evil the black market (now known as the russian mafia) can be. and they showed this guy at his dacha... and then these mafia guys came in asking for their money. and when he didn't have it, they beat him up some. and then they took off his pants, bent him over a table, and kept a hot iron on him while he screamed in pain. and then they took the iron off, showing his (icky) butt with a red, blistering iron print on it.
yes, its hard to type that... and yes, i can still see and hear it in my head. and no, i don't know why the fuck that was on daytime tv or how i was allowed to watch it.
*shudders*
the second one is much more pleasant in comparison.
i saw a movie about an alien woman who came to earth disguised as a rose and tried to seduce a guy in order to somehow replenish her planet while sucking the life out of the human race. pretty basic, really, just the first sci-fi/mild horror i was ever exposed to. part of the woman's shtick was floating in a bubble...
that night, i had my first & last traditional nightmare, featuring that woman. and then i woke up, thought about it... realized i wasn't really scared & never had a nightmare again. but i can still see the woman in he bubble floating up to my bed in my grandparents' old apartment.
the third one was when i was around 12 or 13. there was a 'special report' on the news about how the 'swimming with dolphins' places in florida are really dangerous because the dolphins get horny and attack people. and they had footage of a dolphin that had a woman by the leg with its penis & was thrashing about & she couldn't get away. and again, i can still see it. and it still flips me out. ((and i was like 12 or 13, too.. it was like the first time i had seen a post-pubescent penis))
(and sidenote - please no dolphin or dolphin parts pictures in the comments. i'm totally serious about it flipping me out).
