(no subject)

i feel like the shit is hitting the fan.
i must start taking st. john's wort regularly, tonight, because i feel like i'm inches from losing it.
i know life is far from dandy right now, but i'm in a place where i know my reactions are making situations worse. it makes me feel like i'm being put in a corner, and its hard to keep reminding myself that its my own hands pushing me into the corner.
last night was a first real low in a while - i was flipping through one worst-case scenario after another, and unable to see the positive side of anything in my life. i'm not too far from there now, i'm just resolved not to think.

overall, its been a good weekend. it feels way too short though.
Friday night i went to see fight club, with an introduction by chuck palahniuk, at the brattle.
i was stressy beforehand, because people int he group were being indecisive and because i was worried about getting there in time to get good seats and having to pack for the weekend before then, but it all went off more or less ok. definitely more ok then the amount of worrying i was putting in.
the introduction itself started about a half hour late and was way too short. i'm kinda disappointed, but not much can be done there.
it was only my second time watching the movie, and i really enjoyed seeing it again.

after that, i dropped by the house and he set off for nj.
the drive there had its painful moments - thick fog through curvy ct. highway. ick. but, overall, it was still decent time, and i was damn glad to pull up to my parents' house when i did.

in the morning, i woke up early-ish, went upstairs and heard voices from the second floor.
went up another flight of stairs and crawled up to the doorway to the master bedroom. abi was hanging out on the floor with the parakeet. and then abi gave me a big smile and the parakeet flew over : )
i hung out with the family a bit, then we had (yummy) french toast for breakfast and eventually left for NY.
for some reason, the really good luck i've usually had parking in the city left me, but i still found a decent spot within an almost-reasonable amount of time, and after a quickish lunch, we went to the MET. and i really don't think its possible for me not to have a good time at the MET. ...i haven't been there in way too long, and among other things, it was neat to see which pieces i remembered from before, and which were distinctly new.
we found out the hard way that my favorite italian restaurant is under renovations right now, and wandered around 2nd avenue to find dinner - which was very nice and yummy. the weather was absolutely perfect for sitting outside.
after that, we tried going to downtime but were very unimpressed and didn't stay long.

yesterday started with a late start, and then lots of time on the road getting to here and after spending time wandering around, back here.

and i have pictures to post whenever i get around to getting them off the camera, and probably more pleasant thoughts when i'm feeling a bit more cheery.

stuff...

school stuff:
i'm kinda anxious about being behind again.
i meant to finish up what i'd need to do for week 3 on Thursday night, but the day ran late with an unexpected roomate-conversation, which delayed the trip to her house and i was just exhausted and went to bed early when i got back.
i also forgot to email my assignments to my professor along with posting them to the class message board and got spanked for it. makes getting an A- and an A completely negated.
and yeah, grades don't matter for this class. i just need a C for it to transfer. its hard to keep that in mind, though.
but, again, most of all, i just need to get this stuff done.

i need to get it into my head that as much as its cute for the cat to sleep cuddled up to me, its a bad thing... i end up falling asleep overly conscious of trying not to move in a way that will disturb her in any way and end up sleeping really badly.
of course, this always makes perfect sense when i wake up... but not when i'm dozing off and there's a purrbox next to me...
and yeah, slept badly till like 5:30 this morning. ended up needing extra hitting-snooze time and am now a stinky-yulia. no good.

somehow, i had managed to brainfart and make conflicting plans. for some reason, the dates just seemed different. luckily, one of the plans was visiting family, so rescheduling it isn't the end of the world, but, now it may need to be pushed back 2-3 weeks.
why is it that weekend dates in October don't click into place?
with all luck, November will be better.

novermber also comes with a big decision - whether or not to spend turkey day with my parents.
historically, i've chosen to spend quiet time at home, with friends. kinda curious what i'll be in the mood for this time around.

overall, i'm feeling very scrubbed-raw emotionally. like i'm inches from breaking down and having a hard time being able to perceive being okay again. i know things will be okay again, its just that i can't see it. and there's a lot of things up in the air right now. it should bring good change, but its wearing me down right now. i feel like i need a week one on one with each situation in my life to catch up to speed, and that's just not possible.

and i'm hungry.
i should really get something to eat, right?

right now

things seem to be looking up.
and i want a chocolate milk and a walk.