meow

i'm in new jersey
i'm damn sleepy, but feeling oddly comforted by being here.
my mom is taking my grandfather to a specialist, and my grandma and abi are the only other people home.
abi is such a "little kid" already. she tells stories and uses hand gestures, and just told me she wants to go outside. i told her i'm working, and she told me she wants to go with grandma - she was just telling me because my grandma is on the phone, and she was getting impatient. and after hanging out while i was munching on breakfast, abi ran to the computer to be shown pictures *grin*

i'm kinda amused that unless there's heavy traffic, i can arrive here within 10 mins of 11 no matter what time i leave. its like i have an internal clock/speedometer control that makes sure i go fast enough to make it within that time.
and i had issues leaving yesterday.
dragged a bunch of stuff out to my car, got into it and made it almost to the end of the block before realizing i left all my cd's upstairs. decided to screw it, listen to radio on the drives, and just go.
got stuck in mem drive traffic getting to the gas station, and realized i was in no mood for 4 hours of radio. got gas (the kid gave me regular instead of super : / )and drove back home to get my cds.
drove out to the pike, reminding myself that i have to remember to go west, not east-on-autopilot. drove through the tolls and was off the onramp by the time i realized i was heading towards town.
at least by now, i know how to make a uturn at copley.

i have also been a total moron and keep forgetting to leave the rent check for the landlords. i feel like total shit over it and need to call them soon in order to apologize and let them know they'll have it on monday : / i even had "RENT" written in big letters on my hand yesterday.

a realization that i had over the past couple of days: out of all the movies i've seen, i have seen the forbidden zone more times then any other movie. thinking about it, devil's advocate would prolly be the second in line, just because it got so much tv play. i think more frightening then that is the fact that the only show i've ever seen all the episodes of is 90210.

(no subject)

a year ago today. i don't like how some aspects of my life just haven't changed.

the urges to "grow up" have been coming more frequently lately. i don't quite know what to do about them, and realize a lot of my not doing anything is still fear of failure. and yeah, some of it is fear of success. it just feels like its almost time to dig myself out of a coccoon and i'm very scared it will be very big and cold out there.
i have been somewhat better about being productive for a month until last week. i'm scared shitless that i'm not keeping up my pace.
due to being cut off from electrical appliances tonight/tomorrow, i won't be able to do any homework and its really getting to me. someone should hurt me if i don't finish week 8 and start week 9 by next weekend.
and i really need to finish my room.

and on a totally vain note, i'm thinking of getting a bathing suit from the victoria secret site. it'll be $30, which is more then i'd like to spend on a bathing suit, but, its also a lot less then how much i end up spending on bikinis because of my size problem. its just a plain black two piece, but i have a feeling i might regret it if i don't get it.
hrmph.

someone who was best friends with my mom through my childhood called a couple of hours ago. the conversation went like this (only in russian)
her: olya?
me: no
her: debbie?
me: no... you don't recognize me at all anymore?
her: ...yulia?
me: yes
her: are you back for good?
me: no... thats never going to happen
her: oh... well how long are you home for?

and then we realized that its been 6 years since i've seen her... her son, who was 6 months old then, is in school now. its weird - she was such a staple of my childhood. as were friends of my mom that live in marblehead... and last night, my mom told me that they were discussing a trip to israel with another friend from that era (who's living in russia), and didn't mention anything to them. and it feels so weird for me. i never thought my parents' circle of friends would change/evolve. i never thought these people, that still feel like family, would be distant. i figure they'd been friends school days, and if they were going to drift apart, it would've happened already.
and a lot of me resents my stepfather. i won't ever know if this is the case, but its really easy to assume that the change is caused by his newfound religion.

and my family rocks.
my mom got me a purple crushed velvet throw and a broiler - now, i will be more movivated to make baked potatoes and baked salmon. yum : )
and they're also picking up brakes, and my stepad said he'd try to change them himself (when putting on snow tires) which should save me a nice bundle of money.

tomorrow is a big family shindig.
i'm a little apprehensive about it, considering news about my grandfather, but overall it should be a good time. *giggle* and good booze. yay congac. yay cognac and not having to drive home.

tonight? anyone in NJ wanna hang out? hinthint.