(no subject)

[elvendoll]

things that i want:
- to wake up on morning and feel refreshed. it hasn't happened in ages. and fixating on it doesn't help any, i know.
- to have fun. its been a damn while since there's been a sense of fun around. ideas, anyone?
- to have clear lines as to what is me and what is me, broken. as much as i hate being a jerk sometimes, it bothers me less then the possibility that i might (probably?) be wrong when i'm being a jerk.
- to use the time i have efficiently. or to at least feel like i do, because in the end, thats all that matters. i keep feeling like time slips by and 'i have done nothing'. yeah, yeah, i know.

i also want to spend a weekend with her, reconnect with kristine (who emailed me earlier this week! i'm so happy to hear from her... i'm happy to know that when i fall out of touch, she knows its just life whirling away, and that when she falls out of touch, it isn't because i've been a bad friend), to meet nicola's zoe and to see laura - to see how she has changed. just like i'm curious about how/where carla and elissa are (a google search says elissa might be at columbia's law school... google won't ever find carla), how eve is doing. yes, i'm nostalgic. bite me.

actuallly, maybe i'll try calling nic and laura....

Comments

[tobi.livejournal.com]

One of the things that was said to me awhile back was this:

"I used to think of myself as being broken. As not being what I used to be or like there was something about me that wasn't the way it should be. I gave up on that and just accepted it as being me. Me with faults and me with strengths. I'm not broken, I just see things differently now"

Anyway, it was something along those lines. It kind of made me stop thinking of myself as being broken. Sure, I used to deal with things differently and maybe now, I'm a bit more jaded or I don't trust or I can't work certain things out as I would have before. But that doesn't mean I'm broken. No one is broken. Because we can't glue ourselves together and be "whole" again. I'm trying not to look at the past to define who I am in the present. It's not easy, but I can recognize why I think the way I do about things and how that has changed. Yet, to linger in the past and to lament the ways I've changed or have been jaded or changed, doesn't do much. I am who I am and there are things that have shaped me. I'm shaped but not broken. Broken implies uselessness, lack of value, and something being wrong. None of these describe you. Faults, things you could do differently, things about you that have changed for the worse because of certain events? Absolutely. But that doesn't make you broken. Because you are none of the things that go with something being broken.
*hug*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

the quote you put in almost sounds like its okay to let faults lie, to not fix them...
and funny how faults are cracks, how things that are cracked are 'broken'.

i don't expect to go back to how i used to be, i'm a big fan of growing : )
when i say broken, i am comparing to an ideal that isn't centered in the past... more like a fussion of what i see as healthy in other people and hope for my future self. its just that sometimes, its so hard to tell whether my negative reactions are justified or not. they're justified to me, but i have to be able to relate that to reality and to have an accurate perception as to when its right to wilfully mold my reality.

[tobi.livejournal.com]

I guess I am just straying away from the terminology. Honestly, I think self-confidence plays a huge role in a lot of things for a lot of people. So are you wrong about a situation or are you wrong because of some general fault in your personality? Either is possible. I guess my point, in blunt terms, is that I hear people lamenting over being broken. Myself as well. I don't like the sound of it anymore. When I think of broken I think of a broken doll, limp and lifeless. That's not me or anyone else I know.

A lot more to say but I have to run now.
*hug*