i am silly today...
Oct. 17th, 2000 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli wore this checkered bodysuit i got in salem over the weekend, and i think it looks really nifty so now i wish i could go out tonight or something : )
and of course this is after i decided that i just have to yield to me craving for a chocolate shake & dragged cloei out to get it with me : ) (well, we also ended up getting chinese food too *ducks*)
so yeah, i've been in weird moods all day...
class was on the odd side... instead of talking about the reading, the professor played a whole bunch of music that 'placed' the reading in the cultural context - stuff like stravinsky and duke ellington...
it was odd.. because i'd be listening ot the music, then go off on my own little train of thought, totally tuning out the music, and then i'd somehow realize that there's music again...
and then one line of a song really caught me - on the sands of time, you're only a feather - i just think thats so nifty...
something else i kept thinking about is that one of the themes of the modernist era is this oscillation between feeling estranged, unique and misunderstood to a feeling of emptiness and transience.
and i remember feeling the firts of those... it made me feel alive... and i don't know when i slipped into the latter... i just know i've been here for quite a while, with just a slight relapse during my trip to london... which made me wonder just how universal those feelings, and the oscillation between them, are, and whether or not what i'm going through is unique at all / any more or less extreme then what others go through.
because i know for the past couple of years i've felt so bland and empty, and unoriginal and frustrated at the lack of inspiration... and its been like this little part of rotting and stinking everything up... because it really kinda keeps me from feeling good about myself.
and then i was thinking about how frustrating the past few months have been for me, and how tough they must be on those around me.
because i've been a shit.. completely enveloped in my problems... when the solutions are right there in front of me... and not having the whatever it takes (willpower? strength? motivation?) to just reach out, grab it, and move on... and how uninspired and uncreative i have been lately... argh.
and just something odd i'm stumbling on now...
i guess this is partly in response to an entry of tobi's about images for the future... and before, i always wanted to be this independent 'city girl' - totally independent, ruling my world, knowing my way around, going to art shows and concerts, travelling all the time... and how different that is from what i seem to be going towards with my actions - i haven't been out of a relationship for over half a month in nearly 3 years, i've been needing to be cared for, am scarily near agoraphobia...
and now this connected with the realization that i haven't felt alive for any significant amount of time since london - which has really been the only time in the past 3, maybe 4 now, years that i've done anything remotely like what i had intended my future to be back in high school.
and it makes me wonder if i'm on the right track at all... if maybe i'm just not looking at the world right and too scared to readjust my focus...
because i remember how i was then... even being miserable in NJ i had this active love for New York City... i'd make it down there whenever possible, knew if anything noteworthy was playing on broadway, what other artsy stuff was going on around town... i was never afraid to be by myself in a daytime crowd or nighttime empty streets - i walked through either with a sure step and my head held high, being proud of where i was... of how well i knew my way around...
and now? now tow weeks ago i couldn't force myself to take the T to school... now i feel anxious and afraid anytime someone glances at me if i'm walking down the street alone, be it day or night out...
and its funny, because i'm wrapped up in so many other things.. or mostly this one thing called school.. that i can't even make a commitment within myself to work on that!
and yeah, i hear everyone who has been telling me that if its not making me happy, then i should do something that does.
and i understand where that comes from, and i really really appreciate the support...
but it doesn't change my mind about the situation...
i do owe it to myself and to my family not to drop out this semester.
and i will be doing it for myself, because in theory whatever does not kill me makes me stronger, and because its time i snapped out of being a spoiled little brat long enough not to fuck my family out the nearly 2.5 grand they've spent on this semester, and because its time to take responsibility for my actions and follow through on my commitments.
so i'm not doing this to make my family happy, i am doing this because i feel it is my responsibility to, and the gratitude i feel to them only helps steer me in the right direction, prevents me from taking the easy way out during weak moments (which i've been having too many of lately : ( )
heh.. i wonder where my good mood went? i'm near tears....
oh yeah... pills must be wearing down, i forgot my dose this morning : /
*sigh*
and of course this is after i decided that i just have to yield to me craving for a chocolate shake & dragged cloei out to get it with me : ) (well, we also ended up getting chinese food too *ducks*)
so yeah, i've been in weird moods all day...
class was on the odd side... instead of talking about the reading, the professor played a whole bunch of music that 'placed' the reading in the cultural context - stuff like stravinsky and duke ellington...
it was odd.. because i'd be listening ot the music, then go off on my own little train of thought, totally tuning out the music, and then i'd somehow realize that there's music again...
and then one line of a song really caught me - on the sands of time, you're only a feather - i just think thats so nifty...
something else i kept thinking about is that one of the themes of the modernist era is this oscillation between feeling estranged, unique and misunderstood to a feeling of emptiness and transience.
and i remember feeling the firts of those... it made me feel alive... and i don't know when i slipped into the latter... i just know i've been here for quite a while, with just a slight relapse during my trip to london... which made me wonder just how universal those feelings, and the oscillation between them, are, and whether or not what i'm going through is unique at all / any more or less extreme then what others go through.
because i know for the past couple of years i've felt so bland and empty, and unoriginal and frustrated at the lack of inspiration... and its been like this little part of rotting and stinking everything up... because it really kinda keeps me from feeling good about myself.
and then i was thinking about how frustrating the past few months have been for me, and how tough they must be on those around me.
because i've been a shit.. completely enveloped in my problems... when the solutions are right there in front of me... and not having the whatever it takes (willpower? strength? motivation?) to just reach out, grab it, and move on... and how uninspired and uncreative i have been lately... argh.
and just something odd i'm stumbling on now...
i guess this is partly in response to an entry of tobi's about images for the future... and before, i always wanted to be this independent 'city girl' - totally independent, ruling my world, knowing my way around, going to art shows and concerts, travelling all the time... and how different that is from what i seem to be going towards with my actions - i haven't been out of a relationship for over half a month in nearly 3 years, i've been needing to be cared for, am scarily near agoraphobia...
and now this connected with the realization that i haven't felt alive for any significant amount of time since london - which has really been the only time in the past 3, maybe 4 now, years that i've done anything remotely like what i had intended my future to be back in high school.
and it makes me wonder if i'm on the right track at all... if maybe i'm just not looking at the world right and too scared to readjust my focus...
because i remember how i was then... even being miserable in NJ i had this active love for New York City... i'd make it down there whenever possible, knew if anything noteworthy was playing on broadway, what other artsy stuff was going on around town... i was never afraid to be by myself in a daytime crowd or nighttime empty streets - i walked through either with a sure step and my head held high, being proud of where i was... of how well i knew my way around...
and now? now tow weeks ago i couldn't force myself to take the T to school... now i feel anxious and afraid anytime someone glances at me if i'm walking down the street alone, be it day or night out...
and its funny, because i'm wrapped up in so many other things.. or mostly this one thing called school.. that i can't even make a commitment within myself to work on that!
and yeah, i hear everyone who has been telling me that if its not making me happy, then i should do something that does.
and i understand where that comes from, and i really really appreciate the support...
but it doesn't change my mind about the situation...
i do owe it to myself and to my family not to drop out this semester.
and i will be doing it for myself, because in theory whatever does not kill me makes me stronger, and because its time i snapped out of being a spoiled little brat long enough not to fuck my family out the nearly 2.5 grand they've spent on this semester, and because its time to take responsibility for my actions and follow through on my commitments.
so i'm not doing this to make my family happy, i am doing this because i feel it is my responsibility to, and the gratitude i feel to them only helps steer me in the right direction, prevents me from taking the easy way out during weak moments (which i've been having too many of lately : ( )
heh.. i wonder where my good mood went? i'm near tears....
oh yeah... pills must be wearing down, i forgot my dose this morning : /
*sigh*
