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elvendolli had an entry almost done! and it was good, and long, and really really what i wanted to say about whats been going on...
and then my computer froze!
i don't know if i an rpelicate it at all, or if my motivation will hold up... but here's my try...
today has been an odd day...
i woke up really hazy, and got annoyed retty early into it - the person sending me the leather pants i got on ebay f*cked up on the adress, so they didn't come.
with all luck they'll be here tomoroow morning... i just find incompetence rather annoying...
after a bit bill got back from his dentist appoinment, and we got to have our morning coffee togehter...
and it was really nice... we don't get much 1 on 1 time these days, and this just felt very soft and refreshing...
after dropping him off at work, my original plan was to go food shopping. pulling into star, though, i realized that it was already noon, and i need to leave around noon-thirty to make my class on time.
after some wuick deliberation, i decided that it was important to stick tot he plan... so i decided to shop quick and skip the shower (i was kinda apprehensive about the shower thing anyways - i have a rather large blister on my hand from a steam burn i suffered yesterday, and it doesn't like hot water).
i got to class like 10 minutes late, so overall it wasn't bad at all...
and, irnoic as it may be, i really enjoyed it...
i really like this professor... i can understand and agree with her selection of the syllabus, i really like the way she chooses to try and explain things to us, and really appreciate the analogies that she makes...
like today, she was talking about the nature of the avant-garde... how every age seems to have their own something new that makes those involved in it feel like they're discovering the world again, and how at some point the mainstream discovers it and mutates into something more digestable for itself, thus creating a need for something yet newer to be formed... and she was drawing an analogy between the modernist movement and the avant-garde and hardcore punk... and i just thought that thats really cool... and she started on the tangent by saying that her son was into hardcore punk... and she said it with a smile, and i think thats just really nifty... and then she mentioned that in her office she had a book of hardcore album covers, and that she would bring it down to show to us next class - and i think that just rocks!
so, i think on tuesday i'm going to see her during office hours, to both explain that i may be dropping the course soon & tell her why, and also to ask her to be my advisor, as no matter what i still need one...
its funny... i still don't feel very comfortable in my decision.
i'm disapointed in myself.
i feel like i should have been able to handle it, like i should be strong enough, determined enough, motivated enough.
but i also recognize that i can't spend time stressing over how stupid it seems that i can't handle being in school right now, or how many people other then myself i am disapointing...
the mere thought of trying to stick out makes my insides all knot up - breaking my sanity any further just is not a good thing.
so i just feel like i'm choosing the lesser of two evils.. and no, it does not feel pleasant.
i think at this point the actual ideal situation would be for me to stay in my psych and english classes while working part time, but considering they're both around 1 pm, and 5 days a week, the chances of me finding a decent job that would give me a 3 hour break at noon is unrealistic, and both working from home and second shift would only make things worse.
such a contrast to how i remember this decision being last time...
from what i remember, i woke up one day to realize that it wouldn't be possible for me to pass this semester, and that i needed to drop out.
and i went to advising to get the scoop on what paperwork needs to be dealt with, and set myself to find a job.
i remember i had enough to last me 2 months in the savings account (oh, the blissful memories of having a savings account!), and that i gave myself a month to find a job, resolving to take off for cali on the 2nd months' money if i was still unemployed then.
and then i got hired at tiac..,
didn't even tell my mom anything until after i had the job...
and she flipped out then....
*sigh*
but its all a learning experience, right?
so what have i learned?
well, i've learned that setting goals gives me a distinct fear of failure. i've never had goals before.. not even minor ones... so now i gotta start learning about what to do with them.
i think (hope?) that i have learned at least a little about snapping myself out of my self-loathing / time mismanagement cycles - but obviously not nearly well enough.
and i think i have become less self-centered / egotistical.
i think my relationship with bill is standing proof of the latter two statements... i will not deny that he is absolutely amazing to me, and more patient then i could have hoped for, but i can still give myself some credit for not having driven him away, right?
and i think there's definately more there to the last statement. just the fact that last time i took time off, to me, 'this is the best thing for me' was just the bottom line... and even the thought of that makes me shiver now...
but i guess the bottom line this time is that i am incredibly sorry that i am doing this, but i also see it as the best course of action, and i wish my choices wouldn't or couldn't hurt other people...
and i definately do plan on doing the best that i can to make this a learning experience, use the time to get myself back on my feet, and go back and finish up my degree soon...
on a nore about caring... bill had a talk with me some days ago that kinda hit home...
he was telling me that it disturbs him that even though i am fully capable of understanding where other people are coming from, i have a tendency not to have empathy/sympathy/consideration for their feelings if i don't agree with them. and by other people i mean people who are not those who i carely deeply for...
and i realized he's right...
and i was thinking about it for a bit...
and i guess what it is is that when i care for someone, i go all out, by nature... and after being hurt quite the number of times, i've started keeping people at arms' length... and i don't let myself empathize with them... because doing so means caring... and that i also have a serious problem with giving first. i have no problems giving to those who are near and dear - but as far as other people... i keep them too far away to be affected by what goes on other then your basic 'well that sucks' level of sympathy...
and i don't know how to feel about that.
because i don't know if there is a middle ground with me... and sometimes i would rather be cold then be a doormat...
how is that for stagnation?
my mom keeps reminding me of the dichotomy of my totally liberal ideas / way of life and how conservative i am by nature...
because as much as my ideas run free, i am incredibly petrified of and resistant to most changes.
speaking of my mom... during our talk today i heard the first tones and words of disapointment.
and it hurt.
but i had to sit there and take it. sh is more then entitled.
i just really hope she never resents me...
(and yes, i do know i'm a far way off from that... i just feel really terrible for letting her down)...
but, getting back to my day...
after i got back from school, i started doing job-related shtuff...
i now have updated versions of my resume in both word and html, though i am still looking for advice and constructive criticism (pleas get in touch with me if you're willing to offer either : ) ), and i found a couple of jobs online that i am interested in.
the first, in theory, shuld be really cool, and not out of my reach...
but they want a cover letter...
i've never written one before, and so far i find the prospect terrifying, though i do realize that sometime tomorrow i will have to bite the bullet and do it.. somehow... just wish my insides would stop knotting up at thoughts of it.
the second job is kind of an ironic little thing...
its at a company where a lot of x-tiac-employees are. and quite the few times i have said both to myself and to others that i would never go there. mostly because of one person that ended up over there, someone who had tried to go out of his way to make my days at tiac as bad as possible.
but, i see a posting for this job that sounds just incredibly up my alley. with the added irony that they want someone with a BA in english.
the way i'm thinking, though, it own't hurt to try and get in touch with some of the people there, and try and get into it on the count that my actual major is almost done, i've got a 3.49 in it, and i'v got most of the other req's down...
applying couldn't hurt, right?
*sigh*
i just wish all the damn anxiety would go away!
though it probably will, once i have a job & stuff...
and then my computer froze!
i don't know if i an rpelicate it at all, or if my motivation will hold up... but here's my try...
today has been an odd day...
i woke up really hazy, and got annoyed retty early into it - the person sending me the leather pants i got on ebay f*cked up on the adress, so they didn't come.
with all luck they'll be here tomoroow morning... i just find incompetence rather annoying...
after a bit bill got back from his dentist appoinment, and we got to have our morning coffee togehter...
and it was really nice... we don't get much 1 on 1 time these days, and this just felt very soft and refreshing...
after dropping him off at work, my original plan was to go food shopping. pulling into star, though, i realized that it was already noon, and i need to leave around noon-thirty to make my class on time.
after some wuick deliberation, i decided that it was important to stick tot he plan... so i decided to shop quick and skip the shower (i was kinda apprehensive about the shower thing anyways - i have a rather large blister on my hand from a steam burn i suffered yesterday, and it doesn't like hot water).
i got to class like 10 minutes late, so overall it wasn't bad at all...
and, irnoic as it may be, i really enjoyed it...
i really like this professor... i can understand and agree with her selection of the syllabus, i really like the way she chooses to try and explain things to us, and really appreciate the analogies that she makes...
like today, she was talking about the nature of the avant-garde... how every age seems to have their own something new that makes those involved in it feel like they're discovering the world again, and how at some point the mainstream discovers it and mutates into something more digestable for itself, thus creating a need for something yet newer to be formed... and she was drawing an analogy between the modernist movement and the avant-garde and hardcore punk... and i just thought that thats really cool... and she started on the tangent by saying that her son was into hardcore punk... and she said it with a smile, and i think thats just really nifty... and then she mentioned that in her office she had a book of hardcore album covers, and that she would bring it down to show to us next class - and i think that just rocks!
so, i think on tuesday i'm going to see her during office hours, to both explain that i may be dropping the course soon & tell her why, and also to ask her to be my advisor, as no matter what i still need one...
its funny... i still don't feel very comfortable in my decision.
i'm disapointed in myself.
i feel like i should have been able to handle it, like i should be strong enough, determined enough, motivated enough.
but i also recognize that i can't spend time stressing over how stupid it seems that i can't handle being in school right now, or how many people other then myself i am disapointing...
the mere thought of trying to stick out makes my insides all knot up - breaking my sanity any further just is not a good thing.
so i just feel like i'm choosing the lesser of two evils.. and no, it does not feel pleasant.
i think at this point the actual ideal situation would be for me to stay in my psych and english classes while working part time, but considering they're both around 1 pm, and 5 days a week, the chances of me finding a decent job that would give me a 3 hour break at noon is unrealistic, and both working from home and second shift would only make things worse.
such a contrast to how i remember this decision being last time...
from what i remember, i woke up one day to realize that it wouldn't be possible for me to pass this semester, and that i needed to drop out.
and i went to advising to get the scoop on what paperwork needs to be dealt with, and set myself to find a job.
i remember i had enough to last me 2 months in the savings account (oh, the blissful memories of having a savings account!), and that i gave myself a month to find a job, resolving to take off for cali on the 2nd months' money if i was still unemployed then.
and then i got hired at tiac..,
didn't even tell my mom anything until after i had the job...
and she flipped out then....
*sigh*
but its all a learning experience, right?
so what have i learned?
well, i've learned that setting goals gives me a distinct fear of failure. i've never had goals before.. not even minor ones... so now i gotta start learning about what to do with them.
i think (hope?) that i have learned at least a little about snapping myself out of my self-loathing / time mismanagement cycles - but obviously not nearly well enough.
and i think i have become less self-centered / egotistical.
i think my relationship with bill is standing proof of the latter two statements... i will not deny that he is absolutely amazing to me, and more patient then i could have hoped for, but i can still give myself some credit for not having driven him away, right?
and i think there's definately more there to the last statement. just the fact that last time i took time off, to me, 'this is the best thing for me' was just the bottom line... and even the thought of that makes me shiver now...
but i guess the bottom line this time is that i am incredibly sorry that i am doing this, but i also see it as the best course of action, and i wish my choices wouldn't or couldn't hurt other people...
and i definately do plan on doing the best that i can to make this a learning experience, use the time to get myself back on my feet, and go back and finish up my degree soon...
on a nore about caring... bill had a talk with me some days ago that kinda hit home...
he was telling me that it disturbs him that even though i am fully capable of understanding where other people are coming from, i have a tendency not to have empathy/sympathy/consideration for their feelings if i don't agree with them. and by other people i mean people who are not those who i carely deeply for...
and i realized he's right...
and i was thinking about it for a bit...
and i guess what it is is that when i care for someone, i go all out, by nature... and after being hurt quite the number of times, i've started keeping people at arms' length... and i don't let myself empathize with them... because doing so means caring... and that i also have a serious problem with giving first. i have no problems giving to those who are near and dear - but as far as other people... i keep them too far away to be affected by what goes on other then your basic 'well that sucks' level of sympathy...
and i don't know how to feel about that.
because i don't know if there is a middle ground with me... and sometimes i would rather be cold then be a doormat...
how is that for stagnation?
my mom keeps reminding me of the dichotomy of my totally liberal ideas / way of life and how conservative i am by nature...
because as much as my ideas run free, i am incredibly petrified of and resistant to most changes.
speaking of my mom... during our talk today i heard the first tones and words of disapointment.
and it hurt.
but i had to sit there and take it. sh is more then entitled.
i just really hope she never resents me...
(and yes, i do know i'm a far way off from that... i just feel really terrible for letting her down)...
but, getting back to my day...
after i got back from school, i started doing job-related shtuff...
i now have updated versions of my resume in both word and html, though i am still looking for advice and constructive criticism (pleas get in touch with me if you're willing to offer either : ) ), and i found a couple of jobs online that i am interested in.
the first, in theory, shuld be really cool, and not out of my reach...
but they want a cover letter...
i've never written one before, and so far i find the prospect terrifying, though i do realize that sometime tomorrow i will have to bite the bullet and do it.. somehow... just wish my insides would stop knotting up at thoughts of it.
the second job is kind of an ironic little thing...
its at a company where a lot of x-tiac-employees are. and quite the few times i have said both to myself and to others that i would never go there. mostly because of one person that ended up over there, someone who had tried to go out of his way to make my days at tiac as bad as possible.
but, i see a posting for this job that sounds just incredibly up my alley. with the added irony that they want someone with a BA in english.
the way i'm thinking, though, it own't hurt to try and get in touch with some of the people there, and try and get into it on the count that my actual major is almost done, i've got a 3.49 in it, and i'v got most of the other req's down...
applying couldn't hurt, right?
*sigh*
i just wish all the damn anxiety would go away!
though it probably will, once i have a job & stuff...
