recovering from bad dreams
Oct. 21st, 2000 12:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollwell, they were more frustrating dreams then plain bad ones.
the first i don't remember any more - just know that it had me bolt into wakeness at 10:13a, - ironically, just the time bill is supposed to start work today. but i forced myself to go back to sleep and had another one.
in this one bill & i were in the proccess of getting home from somewhere or other, but he asked if we could stop somewhere for a short while... and as is characteristic of those scenarios, i said sure..
it was like a really really odd and decaying old house remade into an apartment building... and for some reason there were people in ren-faire dress roleplaying htere.
and after a few quick hello's in the foyer (during which i realize that bill is in garb and what i am wearing could pass for garb, too) bill leads me downstairs.
on first glance its empty, but then he finds some hole in the wall, sticks his head in and starts talking to people... and i was just standing there spaced out.
next thing i know, i look over to where he was, and he's gone.
i go to the whole, and in, and still no bill anywhere...
so i was stuck hanging around that passageway for what seemed like 2 hours. different people kept coming and going, some doing their own thing only, and some taking time to chat with me for a few.
and during this time i was trying my best to keep my spirits up and be pleasant to everyone...
and then bill comes back..
and any constraint to my feelings just disappears, and i am absolutely furious with him for having left me there.
like to the point of screaming and crying, and trying to tell him that i never want to see him again, while he tries to explain that he didn't mean to take so long & just got caught up with things (the amount of times i have heard those lines IRL!!)
so yeah.. that didn't leave me waking up in the best of spirits...
it'd be a lot easier if bill was here to just hold me for a few and force the anger & hurt to dissipate, but he's off scaring children in salem...
and i guess i know where the dream is coming from...
a part of it is because i'm a little apprehensive about him being there. because ont he one hand, i miss the time we get to spend together on weekend mornings, and on the other, i just have this odd feeling that i'm missing out on something. or more accurately, its like the combination of feeling like i may be missing something fun with the fear of missing something happening that i'm not going to be happy about and not having any say in/control of the aftermath.
and i wish i could say that it has nothing to do with the fact that he's working with tessa...
(yeah... it sucks to be a silly female sometimes)
but the other part of the dream is caused by a combination of 2 things...
one is that when we went out for dinner last night, the restaurant we were going into looked crowded, and i had forgotten to stop by a convenience store on the way. so bill asked me to go ask for our table while he went accross the street to a 7-11.
only it wasn't as crowded as it looked, and i got seated really quickly.. and the waiting like 5 minutes before he came in was really hard.
i think the only thing that kept me from turning into a yuliaball was knowing that that would make me look even more vulnerable.
and the other is that i'm supposed to be picking up bill in salem tonight, but i don't know when he gets out of work.. he is supposed to call and tell me when he finds out. and the fact that he hasn't called makes me scared that he misunderstood what i meant and will only call after he gets out.
which, in the grand scheme of things, wouldn't be such a horrible thing as to make me as anxious as it is making me : /
well, that, and its also that 'worst scenario' voice in my head...
i'm just really hoping once i chase th remnants of the dream away the little things will stop seeming so scary.
well,t hat, and i know part of the reason i'm so damn anxious is because i'm apprehensive about spending the day by myself. i know if i slip into unproductiveness i won't be able to forgive myself.
damn.
i feel like such a loser.
all these tiny things are huge in my head right now.. only knowing that cognitively isn't doing a thing to diminsh the amount of emotion/anxiety associated with them.
its so tempting to just hide under the blankets again.
on other news, i had a really odd day yesterday.
i almost didn't go into class, because i was really into the thought of applying for that job i want ASAP, but succeeded in forcing myself there...
*shudder*
with hindsight, i'm not sure i made the right choice.
we got both of our tests back.
i had D's on both.
the absolutely sad thing is is that i did better on the multiple choice one that i hadn't even read the chapters for then the essay one i kinda studied for.
i think what it was is that i found the essay one overwhelming due to her phrasing, and did it really quicky and without much thought.
but still! thats just wrong!
i think that if she didn't tell us that about half the class failed each test i would have been crushed entirely.
after getting home, i continued on the effort to get my resume out. a ton of thanks to everyone who helped, especially maxie zeus and kira!
now i just sit here and wait....
well,t hat, and look for other possibilities...
after bill got home, we ended up finding out that brian's work decided to intervene in our dinner plans ( ; / ), but after a few moments of contemplation, we decided to drive up to nashua & go to the place anyways, as its been something we've been looking forward to all week...
it was definately an odd experience.
the restaurant wasn't a japanese restaurant. it was a buffet restaurant that also had sushi - which is why it was so incredibly cheap. but, as brian had said, th sushi was really good, even if they only had a couple kinds of fish...
and bill tried their other food, too, and was impressed. i on the other hand, had somthing like 15 pieces of nigiri and a couple of rolls of maki. yum!
it would have been totally great if they had green tea ice cream,too, but i ended up settling for chcolate anyways...
i just hope this place doesn't go the way of other cheap restaurants, where the quality of the food decreases as popularity increases...
after the quite filling meal, we ended up dropping by some of bill's freinds' houses...
first on the list was kevin, who had a full house as usual... but luckily for us, within the first 15 mins of our presence his bad mood disipated...
and then we dropped by ed's house. which was something i was a bit apprehensive about... cuz they used to be a lot closer, and now haven't seen each other in months... and i know ed didn't like me very much, and don't know how that related to the distance... well, that, and it was odd because usually the people that blatantly don't like me are people i don't really like much myself... but i've always thought ed was really cool...
but, i think it went well...
the boys played video games and talked... i tried to befriend ed's kitties as an attempt to be a little more comfortable there, and tried really hard to not let any uncomfortable vibes get out & even joined the conversation once in a while...
and then we came home and passed out : )
oh, on other news, i did get my pants last night : )
at first i wasn't 100% happy with them, because as advertised, they were hiphuggers, buton me they sit all the way up to my waist... but after wearing them out last night i broke them in a bit & am happy with them overall : )
and now i should prolly have breakfast...
the first i don't remember any more - just know that it had me bolt into wakeness at 10:13a, - ironically, just the time bill is supposed to start work today. but i forced myself to go back to sleep and had another one.
in this one bill & i were in the proccess of getting home from somewhere or other, but he asked if we could stop somewhere for a short while... and as is characteristic of those scenarios, i said sure..
it was like a really really odd and decaying old house remade into an apartment building... and for some reason there were people in ren-faire dress roleplaying htere.
and after a few quick hello's in the foyer (during which i realize that bill is in garb and what i am wearing could pass for garb, too) bill leads me downstairs.
on first glance its empty, but then he finds some hole in the wall, sticks his head in and starts talking to people... and i was just standing there spaced out.
next thing i know, i look over to where he was, and he's gone.
i go to the whole, and in, and still no bill anywhere...
so i was stuck hanging around that passageway for what seemed like 2 hours. different people kept coming and going, some doing their own thing only, and some taking time to chat with me for a few.
and during this time i was trying my best to keep my spirits up and be pleasant to everyone...
and then bill comes back..
and any constraint to my feelings just disappears, and i am absolutely furious with him for having left me there.
like to the point of screaming and crying, and trying to tell him that i never want to see him again, while he tries to explain that he didn't mean to take so long & just got caught up with things (the amount of times i have heard those lines IRL!!)
so yeah.. that didn't leave me waking up in the best of spirits...
it'd be a lot easier if bill was here to just hold me for a few and force the anger & hurt to dissipate, but he's off scaring children in salem...
and i guess i know where the dream is coming from...
a part of it is because i'm a little apprehensive about him being there. because ont he one hand, i miss the time we get to spend together on weekend mornings, and on the other, i just have this odd feeling that i'm missing out on something. or more accurately, its like the combination of feeling like i may be missing something fun with the fear of missing something happening that i'm not going to be happy about and not having any say in/control of the aftermath.
and i wish i could say that it has nothing to do with the fact that he's working with tessa...
(yeah... it sucks to be a silly female sometimes)
but the other part of the dream is caused by a combination of 2 things...
one is that when we went out for dinner last night, the restaurant we were going into looked crowded, and i had forgotten to stop by a convenience store on the way. so bill asked me to go ask for our table while he went accross the street to a 7-11.
only it wasn't as crowded as it looked, and i got seated really quickly.. and the waiting like 5 minutes before he came in was really hard.
i think the only thing that kept me from turning into a yuliaball was knowing that that would make me look even more vulnerable.
and the other is that i'm supposed to be picking up bill in salem tonight, but i don't know when he gets out of work.. he is supposed to call and tell me when he finds out. and the fact that he hasn't called makes me scared that he misunderstood what i meant and will only call after he gets out.
which, in the grand scheme of things, wouldn't be such a horrible thing as to make me as anxious as it is making me : /
well, that, and its also that 'worst scenario' voice in my head...
i'm just really hoping once i chase th remnants of the dream away the little things will stop seeming so scary.
well,t hat, and i know part of the reason i'm so damn anxious is because i'm apprehensive about spending the day by myself. i know if i slip into unproductiveness i won't be able to forgive myself.
damn.
i feel like such a loser.
all these tiny things are huge in my head right now.. only knowing that cognitively isn't doing a thing to diminsh the amount of emotion/anxiety associated with them.
its so tempting to just hide under the blankets again.
on other news, i had a really odd day yesterday.
i almost didn't go into class, because i was really into the thought of applying for that job i want ASAP, but succeeded in forcing myself there...
*shudder*
with hindsight, i'm not sure i made the right choice.
we got both of our tests back.
i had D's on both.
the absolutely sad thing is is that i did better on the multiple choice one that i hadn't even read the chapters for then the essay one i kinda studied for.
i think what it was is that i found the essay one overwhelming due to her phrasing, and did it really quicky and without much thought.
but still! thats just wrong!
i think that if she didn't tell us that about half the class failed each test i would have been crushed entirely.
after getting home, i continued on the effort to get my resume out. a ton of thanks to everyone who helped, especially maxie zeus and kira!
now i just sit here and wait....
well,t hat, and look for other possibilities...
after bill got home, we ended up finding out that brian's work decided to intervene in our dinner plans ( ; / ), but after a few moments of contemplation, we decided to drive up to nashua & go to the place anyways, as its been something we've been looking forward to all week...
it was definately an odd experience.
the restaurant wasn't a japanese restaurant. it was a buffet restaurant that also had sushi - which is why it was so incredibly cheap. but, as brian had said, th sushi was really good, even if they only had a couple kinds of fish...
and bill tried their other food, too, and was impressed. i on the other hand, had somthing like 15 pieces of nigiri and a couple of rolls of maki. yum!
it would have been totally great if they had green tea ice cream,too, but i ended up settling for chcolate anyways...
i just hope this place doesn't go the way of other cheap restaurants, where the quality of the food decreases as popularity increases...
after the quite filling meal, we ended up dropping by some of bill's freinds' houses...
first on the list was kevin, who had a full house as usual... but luckily for us, within the first 15 mins of our presence his bad mood disipated...
and then we dropped by ed's house. which was something i was a bit apprehensive about... cuz they used to be a lot closer, and now haven't seen each other in months... and i know ed didn't like me very much, and don't know how that related to the distance... well, that, and it was odd because usually the people that blatantly don't like me are people i don't really like much myself... but i've always thought ed was really cool...
but, i think it went well...
the boys played video games and talked... i tried to befriend ed's kitties as an attempt to be a little more comfortable there, and tried really hard to not let any uncomfortable vibes get out & even joined the conversation once in a while...
and then we came home and passed out : )
oh, on other news, i did get my pants last night : )
at first i wasn't 100% happy with them, because as advertised, they were hiphuggers, buton me they sit all the way up to my waist... but after wearing them out last night i broke them in a bit & am happy with them overall : )
and now i should prolly have breakfast...
