something's gotta give...

[elvendoll]

...as its becoming apparent that i'm in a really bad place, and it isn't going to get better on its own.

i'm feeling overwhelmed by everything. from the black hole inside me, to the burden that i am on those around me, to the class i am taking, to any communication i have to do with anyone else.

i haven't gone on a regular 5htp regimen, but i tried taking it twice, and a couple of hours after doing so, i'd feel better for a couple of hours, and then the black hole comes back. so, i see my options as being:
a) stay on bc, go to psychopharm and get prescription antidepressants
b) drop bc and start taking st. john's wort.
and there are pros and cons to each option, but in the immediate gratification sense of things, the second is more appealing
of course, its also more appealing because i already know my dosage, know i don't get any side effects and its much cheaper. in fact, this is my off week for bc, so its very tempting to run home and grab st. john's wort right now.
one of the reasons i'm considering dropping the bc, aside from the strong impulse to go and take what helps me, is that i thought it would do one of two things - either make me completely insane or balance out some of the imbalances i have normally. well, it only makes me insane for about 3 hours a week, and doesn't do anything for my overall state; but, they did have one very good side effect - my boobs went back to almost the size they were a couple of years ago. the prospect of losing them again makes me very sad.

i'm also feeling entirely overwhelmed by the class.
i feel like the biggest moron, i don't know what made me think i'd be able to handle an in-major, in-person class in the fall. and now, dropping it would make me lose $800 - and the fact that its tempting anyways is damn scary.
it just really feels like the class is more work then i have time for, the professor doesn't inspire anything pleasant in me (which is also a bad sign) and the class is amounting to 60% of my stress right now.
but, what i keep coming back to is that i've already paid for it, so i might as well stick it out as long as i can, and if i drive myself over the edge, i can drop it then. i just hope this won't result in another tumor.

i also want to change the night that i do yoga, from monday nights to thursday nights, because having an evening that i could use to do homework the day before class should clear up some of the anxiety i've been having over how cramped my schedule is. with all luck, the thursday night teacher will also be better then the monday night one - and next semester, i'll see about doing yoga on tuesday or wednesday nights, which have really good instructors.

on the surface, i had a really good weekend; went to a really cool club night friday night, out to brunch with sol3 and zerokey saturday, a fun party saturday night and i very cool show last night. and, i wasn't entirely unproductive. i did clothes-laundry and put more then half of it away, i made me room look one quarter of the way to decent, cleaned up the kitchen counters, etc, and cleaned the bathroom sink. and, even though i didn't read the homework, i did read the cliffnotes of it. but... there's this soulsucking black hole in my chest, and its hard to see i got anything done, even if the anything was a small fraction of what i should have done.

its weird for me to keep posting about the SAD here - while its something that's been very there for me, there's only a couple people i'll talk about it with IRL - part of absolutely hating what it does to me is also hating how it affects anyone/everyone around me and i try to suppress it as much as possible.

but yeah, for tonight - i need to make a decision about the st. john's wort vs. prescription antidepressants question, and i think instead of yoga, i'm going to go to star and trader joe's to stock up on food, cook enough rice to last me most of the week, get at least an outline done for next week's paper and maybe go to ceremony.

Comments

[maighread.livejournal.com]

I hate money - I hate it! We need it, we don't have enough of it, we sell out for it, we do stupid things for it, we lower our standards & go against our intuition for it. Unless you have too much of it, it's a horrible system. It sucks!

Are you going to get anything out of the class? And I don't just mean college credit - I'm talking about real brain food. What will this class do for you; what will you learn? If no, then bail on it. If the class isn't going to do something good for you at least half the time, then it isn't worth the stress of doing.

If the money is the only thing keeping you from walking in today and quiting, then I say you should quit. In the grand scheme of things - $800 is not that much money. Sure, it's an extra trip somewhere. It's a car repair or dinners for all your friends. But your sanity is worth far more than $800. Think of it as an investment in stress reduction (& health)!


Now, if money is not the only issue, then it's worth a little more thought. Maybe you hate the idea of quiting? Maybe you know that if you stick it out, you will get something worthwhile from the class?

We know you're capable of finishing it. You're smart & tough and although each day will be an effort, you know that you can take it a day at a time and that the class will end in a few months and you'll be finished with it.

All that remains is the task of weighing the pros & the cons and making the decision. And maybe that does still sound tough, but we know you can do it. So do it! And stick with your decision because it will be the right one. Don't worry about the money. Think about your health and being who you want to be.

It will be ok!
=) *hug*

You're gonna make it through

[newbodvie.livejournal.com]

All recent posts indicate you're going through a REALLY difficult time. You're beautiful, so please just make sure you're taking care of yourself and leaning on those around you as much as you need (and your boobs have nothing to do with your beauty).

I'm also thinking that Mondays aren't very good for yoga...cuz I end up going out dancing all weekend and inevitably end up being pretty sore on Monday. Like today, my right calf hurts to even TOUCH it! When you're ready to have yoga as part of your schedule, let me know what nite you like and I'll see if I can join ya.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and gimme a holler if you need anything...I DO work quite close to your place and wouldn't mind stopping by with whatever you need on my way home some nites.

[kittypie.livejournal.com]

i <3 you honey. i hope you can make it through. in fact i know you will. if you ever need me, please call my house ok???? im ALWAYS here for you. (hugs)

in case you actually need advice... honestly, the only thing that has helped me through SAD and depression in general is good old endorphins. i am now officially addicted (to the gym) and go 4-5 days a week. and after i get back i feel like a human being. of course my gym is really really nice and has a great steam room so i tend to sort of pamper myself after a workout... which helps tremendously. my skin is better, my face looks alive, i can breathe, my back doesnt hurt, ive lost tons of weight, i am MUCH happier... i dont know... i know you do yoga but have you tried just the cardio/weight lifting routine? i made mine much more interesting by bringing mix cds and whatnot...
anyway if you ever need me, im here, as you probably know by now.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thank you

i should really finish this class because i *really* need the credits - its also the last class i have to take in my major / on campus - after this, i can take classes anywhere, anytime, as long as they're pre-approved...

Re: You're gonna make it through

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

All recent posts indicate you're going through a REALLY difficult time.

i am. and its really hard to reconcile that with the fact that, literally, its all in my head.

i also think i want to try yoga this thursday; i don't want to drop it - would you be willing/able this thursday night?

& thank you so much...

Re: You're gonna make it through

[newbodvie.livejournal.com]

Sure! I'll go Thursday. Is the class on Thursdays a beginners class though?

Re: You're gonna make it through

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

yes - its at 6pm
*hopes that is not too early*

Re: You're gonna make it through

[newbodvie.livejournal.com]

It's not too early as long as I know ahead of time (which I do now). :-)

Re: You're gonna make it through

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

cool : )

i'm really hoping the instructor is a bit better then the monday night one...

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

Pamper yourself when you can. Make time for a hot bath, for a hot toddy, for a curl-up-with-the-cat-and-the-favorite-movie, order a delivery for dinner.

thats something i have a hard time with; i always feel like i can't take time/money to rest until my chores/homework are done...

And remember that nothing is permanent. Okay? It'll get better, and then it'll get worse again, and it'll get better. That's life. You're doing just fine so far.

*hugs*
thank you

[goat.livejournal.com]

Maybe try SAM-e?

It's available at most drugstores.

Sorry I couldn't find a better link!

[iluxa.livejournal.com]

damn, this is really hard on you, isn't it? i feel this black hole you speak of, sometimes. i guess everyone does. i'm really really impressed that you have the strength to share it here so openly. (i don't know what kind of readership you have on your journal, whether this is all irl friends or mostly otherwise, but either way it must be real tough.) i guess it really is good to talk about your problems sometimes like this. it helps to really frame it and get your mind around the whole thing so you can start to deal somehow. i get depressed sometimes, just can't do anything at all, and it's good to tell people sometimes. when you talk about it you can see which parts are really bugging you, maybe even why, and you can also start to see ways to try and attack it. like when you talk about that kind of thing it quickly becomes obvious that you have to try and make yourself do something towards what you're supposed to be doing - always better than doing nothing at all and waiting for it to get better on its own. it's rather obvious i guess, but not when you're not feeling up to anything at all.

having a diagnosed depression condition must be even worse than that, i can't really imagine what it would be like. but i'm glad to see you're coping, even overloading with classes and bearing it out. it's inspirational in a way. really is.

i hope you feel better soon. i don't know anything about the medication, so i really can't give you any advice. maybe even the weather will stabilize, or you'll get more used to it and it won't affect you as much. and then, eventually, it'll be wintertime, and while cold, at least there'll be nice snow on the ground and up in vermont, and people will be happier. and maybe it'll be contagious..

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

there isn't much info on it on pub-med, but from what there is, it might still interfere with the pill : /
from what i can see, st. john's wort allows for the hormones of the pill to be metabolized before they're effective, and the info i'm finding on sam-e says it 'promotes liver health'

[iluxa.livejournal.com]

oh, yeah, and one other thing. this is unrelated to your post, mostly, i just like to share this with people who might appreciate it.

tales from the afternow (http://www.theafternow.com/listen.php)

it's a bit of apocalyptic radio - a broadcast from the future, rather dark and rough around the edges, but it's one of my most favorite things ever. you might enjoy it. start from the first one on the bottom i guess, although the one i chanced upon that got me hooked was 9 - open your eyes.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

its a mixed bag.

on the one hand, posting here is hard - hard to admit i'm in a bad place, hard to show weakness.
on the other hand, its easy - this stuff needs to pour out. in some ways, its healthy - not feeling like i have to hide this helps; on the other, i'm scared of this being a way for it to get me deeper into myself.

but i'm glad to see you're coping, even overloading with classes and bearing it out. it's inspirational in a way. really is.

overloading with classes? i'm only taking one, and the one is too much for me right now.

so, is the timestamp lying or are you in california?

[iluxa.livejournal.com]

no, no, i'm not in california.. must be an LJ thing. But I will be soon! Thursday night, I'm there - going out for a weekend. Should be good.

As for posting this on LJ - it's very brave. I don't feel comfortable posting my problems on LJ at all, but I guess it's very different for everyone. But it's good to talk about them - separates the real issues from the stuff you stress about but should be working on resolving, and gives you a different perspective then just running it over and over and over in your head. That's a bad thing to have - any outlet is good.

Re: You're gonna make it through

[newbodvie.livejournal.com]

DAMN! Yulia, I'm wicked sorry...I can't go to yoga tomorrow nite with you. The house stuff has really taken off and I'm cancelling everything other than work and dealing with the house. I'm signing the P&S tonite and gotta really focus on getting the place cleared out before 10/27! So, I've had to leave work early a couple of days and just can't squeeze in the yoga time. :( :( :( It's great that the house is moving along, just sucks that I have to cancel a whole bunch of things that I WANT to do...just don't have time cuz the house comes first.

Re: You're gonna make it through

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

congrats on getting the house sold! i'll keep my fingers crossed that the rest of the process goes smoothly : )

& if i manage to get all my homework done by monday, i'll bug you about going to yoga then ; )

belated reply

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

...you should be in california by now : )

hopefully you're having a good timne and a good interview!

As for posting this on LJ - it's very brave. I don't feel comfortable posting my problems on LJ at all, but I guess it's very different for everyone. But it's good to talk about them - separates the real issues from the stuff you stress about but should be working on resolving, and gives you a different perspective then just running it over and over and over in your head. That's a bad thing to have - any outlet is good.

*nods*
but there's also crossing the lines into 'enabling' - lj is full of people who're ready to offer hugs and support, which can serve as positive reinforcement to bad mental states and/or posting/complaining about them and when already in a bad place, it can be a fine line to tread.
and if you really want to be horrified by what lj can do, check out this