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elvendollhad my first shrink appointment yesterday.
i was anxious as all hell during it, and for a while afterwards - it's like my anxiety is a sentient entity with a defense mechanism - 'oh, you think you're making steps to get rid of me? just try it now'.
the session ended up being filled with me giving chunks of my history, which is to be expected, and before the next session, i was asked to figure out what it is that i do to avoid doing the things i should be doing.
starting to think about that made me realize that when i feel i'm not doing enough of something, my knee-jerk reaction is to stop doing it altogether, rather then doing more of it. this isn't a shocking revelation, but a 'nifty to get this vague thought into a concise sentence'. the next thought is that the 'enough' threshold is something i set internally.
a couple of winters ago, i broke though a lot of that by really focussing on the 'i feel better when i get something done' element, but i haven't broke though that wall in a while now, and even that becomes a cycle.
i also think i went into this because there's a part of me that feels like i need to wrap my head around the effects of my mother's lack of parenting to get past my issues, and i'm now wondering if that's a foolish goal/expectation to have.
i was anxious as all hell during it, and for a while afterwards - it's like my anxiety is a sentient entity with a defense mechanism - 'oh, you think you're making steps to get rid of me? just try it now'.
the session ended up being filled with me giving chunks of my history, which is to be expected, and before the next session, i was asked to figure out what it is that i do to avoid doing the things i should be doing.
starting to think about that made me realize that when i feel i'm not doing enough of something, my knee-jerk reaction is to stop doing it altogether, rather then doing more of it. this isn't a shocking revelation, but a 'nifty to get this vague thought into a concise sentence'. the next thought is that the 'enough' threshold is something i set internally.
a couple of winters ago, i broke though a lot of that by really focussing on the 'i feel better when i get something done' element, but i haven't broke though that wall in a while now, and even that becomes a cycle.
i also think i went into this because there's a part of me that feels like i need to wrap my head around the effects of my mother's lack of parenting to get past my issues, and i'm now wondering if that's a foolish goal/expectation to have.
