(no subject)
Jan. 3rd, 2001 12:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolllistening to dead can dance - severance.
the song brings back the taste of 3+ years ago, when i got my first DCD cd and listened to it at least once a week for a few months.
the me that i was then is almost intangible to me now... its so weird...
i think back then i had this image of who i was. i don't know how accurate or inaccurate it was, but i know i don't have one anymore.
in a lot of ways, having that made me stable, though in a lot of ways i was still insecure.
i was also on my own for the first time ever then. and i was loving it - it was exhilirating to not have anyone watching over me all the time... doing chores like food shopping & cooking, etc, didn't seem so chorish, more like statements of independence.
i was meeting new people, trying to live up to lifestyle goals and generally felt like there was something i was striving for.
i wonder where that all went.
somewhere in between, life became mundane again. chores became chores, my life fell into a patternt hat is quite a bit less then what i had hoped for, and i have settled - in many senses of that word.
i am not unhappy, but there is no exhiliration, either.. its like i just am again.
i wonder what it would take to bring those feelings, those goals, those ideals.. back...
its the new year already... time to evaluate just where i have moved.
i think the biggest improvement in me int he past year is self control. i think i've developed mine a lot... learned to bite my tongue more often, deal with uncomfortable situations a little more efficiently, grip to my patience tighter.
i had also made active effort to do well in school, and i am very proud of how high i got my GPA to go.
i have found myself a place to build a home, and am on my way to making it so; i didn't realize how hard the battle would be though...
this new years was also a big change for me in that its the first new years i have spent without my family.
new years was the biggest holiday of the year in russia, and i always absolutely loved it. when i was youngest, it meant winter vacation and lots of presents. then it meant being able to stay up all night watching special programming. after moving to america, it meant all night long parties with my parents and their friends - always with a very fun and comfortable atmosphere.
last year was a bit of a departure from that when my parents and i went to a party at a more distant friends' house. i remember i missed bill, missed not being able to be at the same party with my boston friends. and the warmness my heart was filled with as i opened bill's present (a plaster mold of his lips - so that we could still have a kiss at midnight).
this year was just a different ballpark.
i was sick.
the new year's feeling never really came.... it felt like it was me in the center, with this apartment and the party spinning around me, going of their own accord while i stood there... really odd feeling...
blah.
i just feel like my thoughts are really not coherent enough yet : /
the song brings back the taste of 3+ years ago, when i got my first DCD cd and listened to it at least once a week for a few months.
the me that i was then is almost intangible to me now... its so weird...
i think back then i had this image of who i was. i don't know how accurate or inaccurate it was, but i know i don't have one anymore.
in a lot of ways, having that made me stable, though in a lot of ways i was still insecure.
i was also on my own for the first time ever then. and i was loving it - it was exhilirating to not have anyone watching over me all the time... doing chores like food shopping & cooking, etc, didn't seem so chorish, more like statements of independence.
i was meeting new people, trying to live up to lifestyle goals and generally felt like there was something i was striving for.
i wonder where that all went.
somewhere in between, life became mundane again. chores became chores, my life fell into a patternt hat is quite a bit less then what i had hoped for, and i have settled - in many senses of that word.
i am not unhappy, but there is no exhiliration, either.. its like i just am again.
i wonder what it would take to bring those feelings, those goals, those ideals.. back...
its the new year already... time to evaluate just where i have moved.
i think the biggest improvement in me int he past year is self control. i think i've developed mine a lot... learned to bite my tongue more often, deal with uncomfortable situations a little more efficiently, grip to my patience tighter.
i had also made active effort to do well in school, and i am very proud of how high i got my GPA to go.
i have found myself a place to build a home, and am on my way to making it so; i didn't realize how hard the battle would be though...
this new years was also a big change for me in that its the first new years i have spent without my family.
new years was the biggest holiday of the year in russia, and i always absolutely loved it. when i was youngest, it meant winter vacation and lots of presents. then it meant being able to stay up all night watching special programming. after moving to america, it meant all night long parties with my parents and their friends - always with a very fun and comfortable atmosphere.
last year was a bit of a departure from that when my parents and i went to a party at a more distant friends' house. i remember i missed bill, missed not being able to be at the same party with my boston friends. and the warmness my heart was filled with as i opened bill's present (a plaster mold of his lips - so that we could still have a kiss at midnight).
this year was just a different ballpark.
i was sick.
the new year's feeling never really came.... it felt like it was me in the center, with this apartment and the party spinning around me, going of their own accord while i stood there... really odd feeling...
blah.
i just feel like my thoughts are really not coherent enough yet : /
