(no subject)
Jan. 8th, 2001 01:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollthought i would take a couple of mins to write while bill was in the shower...
overall, the weekend leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.
and its all my fault.
which isn't saying that the whole weekend was bad... it was actually just sour notes at the middle in the end, with a yummy creamy filling, if that makes any sense.
its just that i know the sour moments were caused by my issues, and no matter how much i try to blame the circumstances that brought out those feelings, in the end, it was just me.
i guess i just really wasn't up for alone time this weekend, and handled myself really badly in terms with coping with things that are not to my liking.
and in a way, i know that feeling shitty about that now isn't making anything any better, but i feel guilty trying to file it on a shelf and move on, too...
i guess i am a pretty angry person. not that i have too much constant anger, but that my buttons, few as they may be, are easily pushed by those with access to them... according to my mom, this is a personality trait of mine from since i was really little. from the age of 4 on, if i thought somebody did something against me, and i felt close enough to them to actually take offense, i would go out of my way to somehow, maliciously, get them back. mostly it was my grandmother - who i was closest to; i would hide her things for the most part, but one time went on crying for a couple of hours to make her think she broke my arm because she tried to pull me off the floor (it wasn't ok to sit ont he floor in russia). odd, i don't remember most of that stuff now...
but yeah, definately a mean streak in me from early on. i think its so odd that even from that age, my buttons were hidden to be shown only to those closest to me; those i didn't let in my comfort zone could do or say just about anything & it'd be like water off a goose. like the anti-semitic kindergarden teacher and the gardner lady... thier insults were jack shit to me until i grew older and really realized what they were saying/doing.
makes me wonder how erly other kids form advanced defense mechanisms.
and there was more i wanted to talk about, but bill is back now & i should get to bed.
overall, the weekend leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.
and its all my fault.
which isn't saying that the whole weekend was bad... it was actually just sour notes at the middle in the end, with a yummy creamy filling, if that makes any sense.
its just that i know the sour moments were caused by my issues, and no matter how much i try to blame the circumstances that brought out those feelings, in the end, it was just me.
i guess i just really wasn't up for alone time this weekend, and handled myself really badly in terms with coping with things that are not to my liking.
and in a way, i know that feeling shitty about that now isn't making anything any better, but i feel guilty trying to file it on a shelf and move on, too...
i guess i am a pretty angry person. not that i have too much constant anger, but that my buttons, few as they may be, are easily pushed by those with access to them... according to my mom, this is a personality trait of mine from since i was really little. from the age of 4 on, if i thought somebody did something against me, and i felt close enough to them to actually take offense, i would go out of my way to somehow, maliciously, get them back. mostly it was my grandmother - who i was closest to; i would hide her things for the most part, but one time went on crying for a couple of hours to make her think she broke my arm because she tried to pull me off the floor (it wasn't ok to sit ont he floor in russia). odd, i don't remember most of that stuff now...
but yeah, definately a mean streak in me from early on. i think its so odd that even from that age, my buttons were hidden to be shown only to those closest to me; those i didn't let in my comfort zone could do or say just about anything & it'd be like water off a goose. like the anti-semitic kindergarden teacher and the gardner lady... thier insults were jack shit to me until i grew older and really realized what they were saying/doing.
makes me wonder how erly other kids form advanced defense mechanisms.
and there was more i wanted to talk about, but bill is back now & i should get to bed.
