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elvendoll...but damnit, i am going to try.
my body has been torturing me the past couple of weeks. i am beyond tired of it. i had horrendous pms last week, semi-miesrable & miserable moods this week, and now the icky stuff and the cramps. its funny, the months my period is late, i end up being very relieved when i first get it, which makes the first day easier to deal with, but this time it started late last night, so its been driving me batty all day. and lifting heavy things (computers) at work did not help one single bit.
but, i feel like i've been really bitchy the last couple of weeks, and i don't like it one bit. damnit, i just want to be a fun person! it really gets to me that a lot of times, i am just not.
and all those things i wrote about feeling incompetent for not having done yet in my last entry? yup, still looming over my head. no anxiety tonight though, which i am grateful for.
i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. about how i don't read anywhere near as much as i should. how i've been so grouchy & boring lately. i just feel like this poll in the ground, that people acknowldge & move around. i don't really have that many close friends in the area, and because of that, depend heavily on bill for my social interaction, which creates some misplaced issues in our relationship. its just odd... i feel like there's noone for me to call, to hang out with... mostly because i feel like i'd be intruding if i were to call someone first. and i know thats probably not the case, but i just can't get past that wall just yet. and its aggravating. i feel like i don't have outlets, so i started cutting off bits of myself to cut off the need for the outlets. likei remember how i was 3, 4 years ago. i had active interests. i had interesting things to think and talk about. i had aspirations. lately i've just been going through the motions. when i'm not feeling well, i park myself in front of the TV to space out & veg. when i am feeling ok, most of the time i still don't do anything! and aspirations are definately at a minimum. i keep telling myself that this is quiet time and what i need to do to recover from stress-related issues, but i don't know if i really believe that. given that i have been a lot better at being able to go outside the house, etc, and things with bill & i have smoothed out bunches since i went to work & we got the second room, but i think its almost like i'm letting the tides of life bring these changes about rather being an active participant. and i've been avoiding writing about this stuff in here because this is stuff i've been thinking about for a while now, only i am afraid to commit to wanting hange. because i am scared of failing.
like i was saying in october, its pretty damn pathetic to first discover a fear of failure at 21. never before then had i ever tried enough, or put real value on anything enough to be scared of failing. high school, i nearly didn't graduate. but i was never really scared... i was ashamed of having slacked off.. and i was nervous... but somewhere in there, i knew i would graduate and there was no real fear.
oddness.
once in a while, i encounter other people's stoires of what high school was like for them, and i am always so fascinated... i didn't have friends my last couple of years of high school (byproduct of moving to NJ), had only 1 boyfriend, and that was a long distance mistake.... i was just so not alive, especially not socially... and i feel like i missed out on this whole huge lesson life had to give me... kinda like the cursive thing - getting to america to be in 5th grade while cursive was taught in 4th, and i never really picked it up...
i just can't get over what a blob i feel like i am. this week a lot of people have come by the house... mostly bill's friends, but some common friends, and a couple of my friends. and for the most part, i just sit here & blankly follow whats going on, without adding much input (aside from random bitchyness). and i hate it so much. *raar*
i have also been really tired lately. i've been going to bed early, which is kinda sucky because bill never wants to do tat so we don't fall asleep togther anymore, but i still can't get up! i don't get it. i am just hoping my hours get changed a bit soon...
its funny, last friday i was so looking forward to the weekend... i had high hopes & welcomed it. and it wasn't a bad weekend, but it seemed to pass, rather uneventfully, within the blink of an eye. so this time i am scared to look forward to it. and am a bit apprehensive about the things that bill & i want to get to, and how the scheduling of it all would work out. although talking to him about it would prolly help, i am already way too tired to trust myself to remember everything.
i should prolly go to sleep. : (
at leats i won't feel the cramps then, though... : /
my body has been torturing me the past couple of weeks. i am beyond tired of it. i had horrendous pms last week, semi-miesrable & miserable moods this week, and now the icky stuff and the cramps. its funny, the months my period is late, i end up being very relieved when i first get it, which makes the first day easier to deal with, but this time it started late last night, so its been driving me batty all day. and lifting heavy things (computers) at work did not help one single bit.
but, i feel like i've been really bitchy the last couple of weeks, and i don't like it one bit. damnit, i just want to be a fun person! it really gets to me that a lot of times, i am just not.
and all those things i wrote about feeling incompetent for not having done yet in my last entry? yup, still looming over my head. no anxiety tonight though, which i am grateful for.
i've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. about how i don't read anywhere near as much as i should. how i've been so grouchy & boring lately. i just feel like this poll in the ground, that people acknowldge & move around. i don't really have that many close friends in the area, and because of that, depend heavily on bill for my social interaction, which creates some misplaced issues in our relationship. its just odd... i feel like there's noone for me to call, to hang out with... mostly because i feel like i'd be intruding if i were to call someone first. and i know thats probably not the case, but i just can't get past that wall just yet. and its aggravating. i feel like i don't have outlets, so i started cutting off bits of myself to cut off the need for the outlets. likei remember how i was 3, 4 years ago. i had active interests. i had interesting things to think and talk about. i had aspirations. lately i've just been going through the motions. when i'm not feeling well, i park myself in front of the TV to space out & veg. when i am feeling ok, most of the time i still don't do anything! and aspirations are definately at a minimum. i keep telling myself that this is quiet time and what i need to do to recover from stress-related issues, but i don't know if i really believe that. given that i have been a lot better at being able to go outside the house, etc, and things with bill & i have smoothed out bunches since i went to work & we got the second room, but i think its almost like i'm letting the tides of life bring these changes about rather being an active participant. and i've been avoiding writing about this stuff in here because this is stuff i've been thinking about for a while now, only i am afraid to commit to wanting hange. because i am scared of failing.
like i was saying in october, its pretty damn pathetic to first discover a fear of failure at 21. never before then had i ever tried enough, or put real value on anything enough to be scared of failing. high school, i nearly didn't graduate. but i was never really scared... i was ashamed of having slacked off.. and i was nervous... but somewhere in there, i knew i would graduate and there was no real fear.
oddness.
once in a while, i encounter other people's stoires of what high school was like for them, and i am always so fascinated... i didn't have friends my last couple of years of high school (byproduct of moving to NJ), had only 1 boyfriend, and that was a long distance mistake.... i was just so not alive, especially not socially... and i feel like i missed out on this whole huge lesson life had to give me... kinda like the cursive thing - getting to america to be in 5th grade while cursive was taught in 4th, and i never really picked it up...
i just can't get over what a blob i feel like i am. this week a lot of people have come by the house... mostly bill's friends, but some common friends, and a couple of my friends. and for the most part, i just sit here & blankly follow whats going on, without adding much input (aside from random bitchyness). and i hate it so much. *raar*
i have also been really tired lately. i've been going to bed early, which is kinda sucky because bill never wants to do tat so we don't fall asleep togther anymore, but i still can't get up! i don't get it. i am just hoping my hours get changed a bit soon...
its funny, last friday i was so looking forward to the weekend... i had high hopes & welcomed it. and it wasn't a bad weekend, but it seemed to pass, rather uneventfully, within the blink of an eye. so this time i am scared to look forward to it. and am a bit apprehensive about the things that bill & i want to get to, and how the scheduling of it all would work out. although talking to him about it would prolly help, i am already way too tired to trust myself to remember everything.
i should prolly go to sleep. : (
at leats i won't feel the cramps then, though... : /
