that baby pic i was talking about...
Jan. 21st, 2001 11:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendoll...and apologies to all you non-baby folk, but this is my baby sister, and damnit, i'm going to stick her in here!! : )
and for those of you that like babies, there's more pics here : )
and there's also a pic of bill in there, too...
so now i am down in the basement, without the fast laptop or the cable modem connection. lemme tell you... it sucks!
but its better knowing that there's still a phoneline out here & i can do this rather then being stranded offline like i thought i was last night...
i'm also kinda hungry, but don't think there's anything for me to really munch on upstairs, so i am just hoping it will pass.
one big problem i have in my life is expectations.
i keep making expectations for people, for situations, for whole days...
and then i either put a lot of me into the expectation, or stress over what would happen if it doesn't work out right. and i don't mean stress in a good way like making alternate plans, etc... i mean stress in a bad way by sitting and mulling over for hours all the shitty things that could happen and thinking 'how horrible would that be', so if/when those things actually happen, i react to them 10 times worse then is actually warranted.
and i don't know how to stop this.
the first kind of expectations, the kind i just make & run with, is usually sorta like a defense mechanism... like when i have a bad day, and keep telling myself 'but i have fun things planned for the evening, and that will make everything okay', only if said fun stuff falls through, its almost like nothing is okay anymore...
the second are usually for situations i have no control over... like bill being out before we have plans, and then me stressing for hours of how horrible it would be if he was late, playing out the different scenarios of how late he could be and how i would react... it gets me all angry at him before he even does anything close to wrong, and then if, by chance, he is late, i then react a lot worse then i should...
and i need to stop both kinds of expectations.
in a lot of ways, both kind boil down to me just chilling out, which is just a big 'need to do' in my life, but it covers so many areas i know better then to tackle that without subdividing it. but, psychology tells us that you can't stop patterns of behavior - you need to replace them.
and i don't know how to replace these, especially the second one... because for the first one, i can just catch myself thinking things like that and force myself to deal with the situation at hand rather then wishing that somehting in the future will make it all better... but for the second... i am such a damn control freak, that i feel like whenever anything that affects me closely is out of my control, its going to get fucked up, and i either have to stop that from happening or somehow make the offender realize how horrible their deed is. and neither one is right. and i just have no clue how i can work on erradicating that. but i just don't need to be overstressing myself anytime i have to depend on someone, or giving someone hell just because they screwed up in my POV...
and then there's assumptions. boy do i need to work on those. i left my camera out in the common area sometime this week, and someone other then bill used it. and its so hard to control my anger ont he matter, because i just assumed my roomates would have the whatever it is (respect, decency, forehtought, etc...) to ask me if they wanted to use it, but i was wrong. but bottom line is that i was wrong, and no matter how unhappy i may be with their actions, i left my camera out in the common area, and i did not tell them not to use it without my permission.
now i am kind of curious as to how to handle the situation... i definately now know to make sure never to leave it out again, but as far as dealing with what happened, i could either make a public announcement about not using my stuff if i forget it in the common area for a bit without asking me or ... simply not mentioning it ... not giving them their pictures, and see how they react. and yes, the second one is my spitefulness talking. its just that with all the anguish i've gotten out of my roomates lately, its hard to keep those thoughts at bay.
*sigh* and i'm still rather hungry.. and i was getting sleepy for a while there (i should get to sleep soon cuz i gotta be up early tomorrow) but a surge of anger gave me a second wind : /
i'm kinda anxious about tomorrow, too... i'm supposed to be working from home & i've got this fear of things not going right somehow... i'm trying to keep it at bay because its nothing i can do anything about now, but... i am also hoping it'll be somewhat of a slow day so i get to spend time with my mom & abi, too...
and for those of you that like babies, there's more pics here : )
and there's also a pic of bill in there, too...
so now i am down in the basement, without the fast laptop or the cable modem connection. lemme tell you... it sucks!
but its better knowing that there's still a phoneline out here & i can do this rather then being stranded offline like i thought i was last night...
i'm also kinda hungry, but don't think there's anything for me to really munch on upstairs, so i am just hoping it will pass.
one big problem i have in my life is expectations.
i keep making expectations for people, for situations, for whole days...
and then i either put a lot of me into the expectation, or stress over what would happen if it doesn't work out right. and i don't mean stress in a good way like making alternate plans, etc... i mean stress in a bad way by sitting and mulling over for hours all the shitty things that could happen and thinking 'how horrible would that be', so if/when those things actually happen, i react to them 10 times worse then is actually warranted.
and i don't know how to stop this.
the first kind of expectations, the kind i just make & run with, is usually sorta like a defense mechanism... like when i have a bad day, and keep telling myself 'but i have fun things planned for the evening, and that will make everything okay', only if said fun stuff falls through, its almost like nothing is okay anymore...
the second are usually for situations i have no control over... like bill being out before we have plans, and then me stressing for hours of how horrible it would be if he was late, playing out the different scenarios of how late he could be and how i would react... it gets me all angry at him before he even does anything close to wrong, and then if, by chance, he is late, i then react a lot worse then i should...
and i need to stop both kinds of expectations.
in a lot of ways, both kind boil down to me just chilling out, which is just a big 'need to do' in my life, but it covers so many areas i know better then to tackle that without subdividing it. but, psychology tells us that you can't stop patterns of behavior - you need to replace them.
and i don't know how to replace these, especially the second one... because for the first one, i can just catch myself thinking things like that and force myself to deal with the situation at hand rather then wishing that somehting in the future will make it all better... but for the second... i am such a damn control freak, that i feel like whenever anything that affects me closely is out of my control, its going to get fucked up, and i either have to stop that from happening or somehow make the offender realize how horrible their deed is. and neither one is right. and i just have no clue how i can work on erradicating that. but i just don't need to be overstressing myself anytime i have to depend on someone, or giving someone hell just because they screwed up in my POV...
and then there's assumptions. boy do i need to work on those. i left my camera out in the common area sometime this week, and someone other then bill used it. and its so hard to control my anger ont he matter, because i just assumed my roomates would have the whatever it is (respect, decency, forehtought, etc...) to ask me if they wanted to use it, but i was wrong. but bottom line is that i was wrong, and no matter how unhappy i may be with their actions, i left my camera out in the common area, and i did not tell them not to use it without my permission.
now i am kind of curious as to how to handle the situation... i definately now know to make sure never to leave it out again, but as far as dealing with what happened, i could either make a public announcement about not using my stuff if i forget it in the common area for a bit without asking me or ... simply not mentioning it ... not giving them their pictures, and see how they react. and yes, the second one is my spitefulness talking. its just that with all the anguish i've gotten out of my roomates lately, its hard to keep those thoughts at bay.
*sigh* and i'm still rather hungry.. and i was getting sleepy for a while there (i should get to sleep soon cuz i gotta be up early tomorrow) but a surge of anger gave me a second wind : /
i'm kinda anxious about tomorrow, too... i'm supposed to be working from home & i've got this fear of things not going right somehow... i'm trying to keep it at bay because its nothing i can do anything about now, but... i am also hoping it'll be somewhat of a slow day so i get to spend time with my mom & abi, too...
