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elvendolli am in a shitty mood.
i wrote a whole whiny entry about it and deleted it.
a journal shouldn't be about whining, but about reflection, damnit?
so where does that leave me?
still in a shitty mood with a desire to spew...
i'm trying hard not to take it out on bill & he's being wonderfully understanding...
i came to a realization a few days ago.
i am growing up.
when i look down to my body, i don't feel like there's extra length i'm not used to.
i look in the mirror and wanna sigh because i don't think i have the face of a teenager anymore. and that doesn't feel weird in the right way.
but damnit, i don't want to be grown up! i don' want to accept what age i am!
why?
well.. i am a failure for my age.
why?
because i am too scared of failing.
whenever i get insecure about something, i avoid it, give myself anxiety attacks by being angry at myself for avoiding it, and when i try to fight the cycle, i feel like i'm running into a bullet-proof glass door - i can see exactly whats on the other side... i can even see the path there... but somehow its blocked from me.
*sigh*
and of course i use a glass door as an analogy because its external.
like when i've been driving bill to work since friday, and i have to wait more then a minute for him after i'm ready, i get really angry and resentful of him. but 1 minute doesn't change anything when i was running 14 minutes late right along with him.
or getting denied for a credit card today. a part of me wants to be bullshit with chris because i know him not paying the cellphone that (as i found last month) i am entirely financially responsible for is a black mark on my credit report. but the truth is is that i am sure i've left several black marks of my own. nothing huge, but little things like putting off paying bills for a month or two. and the sad part is is its never been because id on't have the money... its more that i just don't get around to doing it. how stupid is that?!
blah.
i sit here and think 'how did i ever get to be such a fuckup' ... only to realize that in an odd way, i've always been a fuckup - its almost like i pick areas of my life to neglect * fuck up over,a nd the rest goes by almost ok...
like when i was a kid, i was a social failure at school - like the one scrawny kid noone would talk to. but i was friends with all the kids in my buidling, who just happened to go to a different school.
and for the majority of my life, i never had friends at school. and then i started hating school and fucked up my grades.
blah. this isn't a pleasant thought proccess at all - mission aborted.
my mom told me today i should take a vacation... told me i should go to florida. i honestly don't know how my mom manages to be so great & patient with me. when i tell her about shit going on in my life, she tells me the truth (its the same things tobi tells me, so its gotta be right : P ) and tells me to see a shrink & relax... but she really tries to understand how i feel and why... which in my opinion is just amazing in a parent. although i think she's getting skewed on one thing... i think she's going a little too freudian on the not communicating with my father thing. like she told me the other day when i was complaining about the matty situation that its anger at my father thats making me hypersenstive to the world. and i don't think thats it at all. because for the most part, i've got a thick wall around my father right now, buthave major problems dealing with anger, period. its funny - i keep thinking about people i know who've taken anger management courses... but i get stuck in this box that anger management courses help people who express their anger in the wrong way - meanwhile i feel like i don't know how to properly express anger at all, and it just sits there in me like the ulcer it aggrvates.
yeah.
*bleagh*
i wrote a whole whiny entry about it and deleted it.
a journal shouldn't be about whining, but about reflection, damnit?
so where does that leave me?
still in a shitty mood with a desire to spew...
i'm trying hard not to take it out on bill & he's being wonderfully understanding...
i came to a realization a few days ago.
i am growing up.
when i look down to my body, i don't feel like there's extra length i'm not used to.
i look in the mirror and wanna sigh because i don't think i have the face of a teenager anymore. and that doesn't feel weird in the right way.
but damnit, i don't want to be grown up! i don' want to accept what age i am!
why?
well.. i am a failure for my age.
why?
because i am too scared of failing.
whenever i get insecure about something, i avoid it, give myself anxiety attacks by being angry at myself for avoiding it, and when i try to fight the cycle, i feel like i'm running into a bullet-proof glass door - i can see exactly whats on the other side... i can even see the path there... but somehow its blocked from me.
*sigh*
and of course i use a glass door as an analogy because its external.
like when i've been driving bill to work since friday, and i have to wait more then a minute for him after i'm ready, i get really angry and resentful of him. but 1 minute doesn't change anything when i was running 14 minutes late right along with him.
or getting denied for a credit card today. a part of me wants to be bullshit with chris because i know him not paying the cellphone that (as i found last month) i am entirely financially responsible for is a black mark on my credit report. but the truth is is that i am sure i've left several black marks of my own. nothing huge, but little things like putting off paying bills for a month or two. and the sad part is is its never been because id on't have the money... its more that i just don't get around to doing it. how stupid is that?!
blah.
i sit here and think 'how did i ever get to be such a fuckup' ... only to realize that in an odd way, i've always been a fuckup - its almost like i pick areas of my life to neglect * fuck up over,a nd the rest goes by almost ok...
like when i was a kid, i was a social failure at school - like the one scrawny kid noone would talk to. but i was friends with all the kids in my buidling, who just happened to go to a different school.
and for the majority of my life, i never had friends at school. and then i started hating school and fucked up my grades.
blah. this isn't a pleasant thought proccess at all - mission aborted.
my mom told me today i should take a vacation... told me i should go to florida. i honestly don't know how my mom manages to be so great & patient with me. when i tell her about shit going on in my life, she tells me the truth (its the same things tobi tells me, so its gotta be right : P ) and tells me to see a shrink & relax... but she really tries to understand how i feel and why... which in my opinion is just amazing in a parent. although i think she's getting skewed on one thing... i think she's going a little too freudian on the not communicating with my father thing. like she told me the other day when i was complaining about the matty situation that its anger at my father thats making me hypersenstive to the world. and i don't think thats it at all. because for the most part, i've got a thick wall around my father right now, buthave major problems dealing with anger, period. its funny - i keep thinking about people i know who've taken anger management courses... but i get stuck in this box that anger management courses help people who express their anger in the wrong way - meanwhile i feel like i don't know how to properly express anger at all, and it just sits there in me like the ulcer it aggrvates.
yeah.
*bleagh*
