so here i am...
Mar. 7th, 2001 06:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendoll...in a half decent mood for once.
its a combination of things, but for the most part,i am trying to get myself excited about the future - about joining the gym by work tomorrow, about maybe going out tonight, about starting to do more with my life.
i'm 21 damnit - and its really time to invoke the mind over matter i've always believed in so much, get off my ass and live.
i just so wish i could see myself from a mirror.
Saturday night the fact how people just wait for their turn to speak in conversations struck me in a big way. but do i do that too? i think so. because on the one hand, i hate saying something when its not worth saying. but on the other hand, in situations with acquaintances, i feel like if i'm not actively a part of a conversation i'm just some intruder butting in. so i end up feeling awkward and acting awkward. somehow i end up starting to say something at the same time as other people a lot. it makes me feel uncomfortable, but i don't got concentrate on it - if i did, i'd never lose the anxiety.
so how do i find my happy medium??
and i'm just so curious as to how people perceive me.
winamp playing, alegria (cique du soleil) was playing and i travelled back to when i heard it for the first time... Crique Du Soleil, 1994 or 95 (sophomore year), Santa Monica, on a USY trip. spent the whole of it cuddling with this guy named micah. i forget exactly how long i'd known him... i know i barely knew him... but i had a crush on him in the teenage way of having a crush on someone you barely know. and he went out of his way to sit next to me, and we held hands leaned on each other, etc, for the whole of the show. the very first time i ever got that close to a boy. i was melting. i was ecstatic. the next day, however, we barely interacted... and i think (but i am not sure) he gave me a hug goodbye. he said he's come to one of the events at our chapter, but never did. i saw him once after, we barely talked.. he asked me to dance and i think i said no... but.. during cirque du soleil.. i was happy... i can still that now.. and i had the biggest crush on him for months after. i would stare at his phone number in the roster we got from the event, but not call it out of the knowledge that my number should be just as handy to him.
back to know - i am so curious what was going on in his head. why did he cuddle with me? why did he never call?
and you know what? yesterday, i did a search for him online... and i think i found his email address...not 100% sure, but i'd say 85%.
a part of me wants to email him - its definitely one of those nothing to lose situations.
and realistically, i know there's quite the chance he won't even remember who i am.
but am i willing to risk knowing that?
i don't know.
i think if i thought there was a chance of us being good acquaintances now i would just email. but he's (if its really him) is running his own USY chapter in CA somewhere... i just don't see us having too much in common...
i don't know.
but back to where i was before - its really more then just people from the past. its everyone. i am so incredibly curious as to how people see me. becomes sometimes i know i get on this mental high horse and criticize people. but other times i feel like such the inept loser. *raar* icky thoughts.
so yeah... did i say i was in a good mood? oh dear... i think i did..
heh.. since i'm blabbering on about the past... meant to write an entry about this earlier, but i guess i will now... i think this is most interesting because of the sequence of events:
about 3 weeks ago, kira tells me she found negatives from when me, liz & nicola drove up to the bay area (from orange county, though i was isiting there from jersey), and that sh'es sending me one of the prints.
as i know how long it takes to send stuff sometimes, and partially because i thought i'd seen all the pics before, it didn't really stick in my head.
a few days later, randomly, i go to classmates.com. and i find my old class. and i find liz's profile. and in it, her fondest memory is that very same roadtrip. with me mentioned by name.
i get all sappy of course. i still think friends are forver, and feel guilt with losing touch with some of the people from my past.
and the very next day, the picture kira was talking about arrives, of that trip.
randomness.
i should scan that pic - its actually pretty cute.
end of the story? i double check alumni.net (where you don't have to pay to get in touch with someone) and found liz there too.. sent her a note saying my email addy is still the same if she wants to get in touch.
i feel bad. it was on the impersonal side.
it could have been phrased better.
then i look through my old mail and realize that on top of her NYU email addy (which should have been shut down years ago) i had a hotmail addy for her, too.
how hypocritical.
haven't heard from her yet...
she may be in japan.. she may not.
a part of me thinks she'd want to get in touch with me. we lost touch when she got sucked in to a christian cult... i disaproved. and then heard from downt he grapevine that she resented my disaproval - that she felt like i was trying to push her into a certain way of life without consideration for her feelings. which i felt (and feel) was not was i was doing. so i backed off... where did that get me?
blah.
today is bill's first day on swing shift...
i'm home alone now, and am enjoying the space. i hate his new schedule, but think it may be good in helping me develop of habit of actually going to the gym after i join. sad, huh? but thats off topic. i want to go to the club tonight. but if i do, and don't leave early, i'll barely see bill tonight. and from now till saturday morning. but i will barely see him anyways.. only a part of me feels i should be home for him tonight. i don't think i'd be very happy if the situation was reversed and he went out. but i've also been told i'm hypersensitive. well... no.. i know i am... i just don't know if this would be an aspect of that.
blah. i think i have gotten distracted, so i will just post this for now..
its a combination of things, but for the most part,i am trying to get myself excited about the future - about joining the gym by work tomorrow, about maybe going out tonight, about starting to do more with my life.
i'm 21 damnit - and its really time to invoke the mind over matter i've always believed in so much, get off my ass and live.
i just so wish i could see myself from a mirror.
Saturday night the fact how people just wait for their turn to speak in conversations struck me in a big way. but do i do that too? i think so. because on the one hand, i hate saying something when its not worth saying. but on the other hand, in situations with acquaintances, i feel like if i'm not actively a part of a conversation i'm just some intruder butting in. so i end up feeling awkward and acting awkward. somehow i end up starting to say something at the same time as other people a lot. it makes me feel uncomfortable, but i don't got concentrate on it - if i did, i'd never lose the anxiety.
so how do i find my happy medium??
and i'm just so curious as to how people perceive me.
winamp playing, alegria (cique du soleil) was playing and i travelled back to when i heard it for the first time... Crique Du Soleil, 1994 or 95 (sophomore year), Santa Monica, on a USY trip. spent the whole of it cuddling with this guy named micah. i forget exactly how long i'd known him... i know i barely knew him... but i had a crush on him in the teenage way of having a crush on someone you barely know. and he went out of his way to sit next to me, and we held hands leaned on each other, etc, for the whole of the show. the very first time i ever got that close to a boy. i was melting. i was ecstatic. the next day, however, we barely interacted... and i think (but i am not sure) he gave me a hug goodbye. he said he's come to one of the events at our chapter, but never did. i saw him once after, we barely talked.. he asked me to dance and i think i said no... but.. during cirque du soleil.. i was happy... i can still that now.. and i had the biggest crush on him for months after. i would stare at his phone number in the roster we got from the event, but not call it out of the knowledge that my number should be just as handy to him.
back to know - i am so curious what was going on in his head. why did he cuddle with me? why did he never call?
and you know what? yesterday, i did a search for him online... and i think i found his email address...not 100% sure, but i'd say 85%.
a part of me wants to email him - its definitely one of those nothing to lose situations.
and realistically, i know there's quite the chance he won't even remember who i am.
but am i willing to risk knowing that?
i don't know.
i think if i thought there was a chance of us being good acquaintances now i would just email. but he's (if its really him) is running his own USY chapter in CA somewhere... i just don't see us having too much in common...
i don't know.
but back to where i was before - its really more then just people from the past. its everyone. i am so incredibly curious as to how people see me. becomes sometimes i know i get on this mental high horse and criticize people. but other times i feel like such the inept loser. *raar* icky thoughts.
so yeah... did i say i was in a good mood? oh dear... i think i did..
heh.. since i'm blabbering on about the past... meant to write an entry about this earlier, but i guess i will now... i think this is most interesting because of the sequence of events:
about 3 weeks ago, kira tells me she found negatives from when me, liz & nicola drove up to the bay area (from orange county, though i was isiting there from jersey), and that sh'es sending me one of the prints.
as i know how long it takes to send stuff sometimes, and partially because i thought i'd seen all the pics before, it didn't really stick in my head.
a few days later, randomly, i go to classmates.com. and i find my old class. and i find liz's profile. and in it, her fondest memory is that very same roadtrip. with me mentioned by name.
i get all sappy of course. i still think friends are forver, and feel guilt with losing touch with some of the people from my past.
and the very next day, the picture kira was talking about arrives, of that trip.
randomness.
i should scan that pic - its actually pretty cute.
end of the story? i double check alumni.net (where you don't have to pay to get in touch with someone) and found liz there too.. sent her a note saying my email addy is still the same if she wants to get in touch.
i feel bad. it was on the impersonal side.
it could have been phrased better.
then i look through my old mail and realize that on top of her NYU email addy (which should have been shut down years ago) i had a hotmail addy for her, too.
how hypocritical.
haven't heard from her yet...
she may be in japan.. she may not.
a part of me thinks she'd want to get in touch with me. we lost touch when she got sucked in to a christian cult... i disaproved. and then heard from downt he grapevine that she resented my disaproval - that she felt like i was trying to push her into a certain way of life without consideration for her feelings. which i felt (and feel) was not was i was doing. so i backed off... where did that get me?
blah.
today is bill's first day on swing shift...
i'm home alone now, and am enjoying the space. i hate his new schedule, but think it may be good in helping me develop of habit of actually going to the gym after i join. sad, huh? but thats off topic. i want to go to the club tonight. but if i do, and don't leave early, i'll barely see bill tonight. and from now till saturday morning. but i will barely see him anyways.. only a part of me feels i should be home for him tonight. i don't think i'd be very happy if the situation was reversed and he went out. but i've also been told i'm hypersensitive. well... no.. i know i am... i just don't know if this would be an aspect of that.
blah. i think i have gotten distracted, so i will just post this for now..
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no subject
Date: 2001-03-07 07:39 pm (UTC)To see oursel's as others see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
And foolish notion...' - Robert Burns, "The Louse"
How do others see you?
I don't know you very well. These perceptions may all be wrong, in which case I look forward to being educated.
I see you as very shy, but that may be because you talk very softly. On the grand geek/freak continuum I see you in the middle, and comfortable and yet at the same time uncomfortable with either extreme.
When I see your NJ license plates, I wonder if you don't like the idea of living in Mass. and that's why you haven't changed them, or if its cheaper to keep the car registered in NJ. I don't get your bumper sticker. :-) I still see an upside-down CCCP in the 9000 logo, which I find very weird.
In your professional life, I see you as a nine-to-fiver in the figurative sense -- someone for whom a job is just a job. I'm envious of that in some ways, because I never approached any job like that -- even working for Borg (my manager then) at McDonald's.
I get the sense that you want more out of life, but that you aren't exactly sure what is missing. I get the sense you'll figure it out.