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elvendoll...so i'm going to babble a bit instead.
today is definately one of those days i am glad my head is physically attached to my body... i forgot
yeah...
also went to a poetry slam at the cantab lounge last night - it was the preliminary qualifying round for the boston nationals team, so it was pretty damn good... as usual, while sitting there i wished i had a laptop that i could open and type away yet - so many different thoughts and reactions going through my head at once, but because everything goes by quickly and is relatively intense, its very hard to recapture it all afterwards... made me feel really angry about being so damn mediocre though. so often i wish there would be just one thing i could be really good at... but anything that i can do, i can only do to mediocrity, and knowing/seeing that just really hurts sometimes. it also made me consider trying to practice at reciting one of my last poems and try competing one night, but i am too scared to... i'm not sure of the poem, i'm not sure of my vocal abilities and i'm not sure i won't get wicked stage fright. i just don't know... its almost like i don't mind showing my weaknesses, as long as its my choice to do so. but if i fuck up at something i meant to go right, thats exposing a weakness i'm not prepared to show & it scares me shitless.
control freak?? me?! never!! : P
also dragged scuba with me last night, and i think he liked it enough to be a willing victim to these excursions once in a while - which makes me very happy, both cuz it means i don't have to convince myself to go alone & cuz it gives me a chance to spend time with him : )
something else i was pondering last night is that i have never drastically changed my appearance... from the age of 6 till 14, i had pretty much the same haircut - the only change was that i let my hair grow out a little past shoulder-length when i was 11, and started growing my bangs out when i was 12 ( i hated those bangs!).. and my hair has definately grown a lot since i've started seriously growing it out my junior or senior year of high school - but thats a very gradual proccess. and i've never drastically changed the way i dress, either - its all been smooth, slow transformations... so i'm really curious as to what would happen if i just cut my hair wicked short & dyed it. because i've been tempted to for so long... but really scared to at the same time - and the amount of time it would take me to grow it back is very intimidating. but at the same time, i'm starting to feel like i'm getting too old to do these kind of things. which is odd, because i don't know where thats coming from - i mean, at 21 i should still be susceptible to rebelious stages, right? only i've never had a rebelious stage before... and it makes me feel like there's stuff i've really missed out on...
lets see.. what else...
hrmmm... nothing much, really - its this odd stage between weekends when i'm really looking forward stuff that might happen, but at the same time feel like its all too far away...
and again, i kinda wanna go to the movies tomorrow night... but am afraid bill won't want to and am trying not to dwell on it... cuz its only a big deal if i make it be, and there's no reason for something silly like that to be a big deal.
yeah...
today is definately one of those days i am glad my head is physically attached to my body... i forgot
- my glasses - i think max still has them from when we were walking to chinese food last night and i took them off to stop feeling clausterphonic - because when i sit at the computer or in the car wih them, its fine, but in wide open spaces i start feeling like there's stuff beyond the rims of the glasses that i'm not seeing and its just not a nice feeling - but when i asked barnz about it, he said its normal for starting to wear glasses (last time i started at like 4, so i don't even remember doing it) so it should go away fairly soon - or at least, if i remember to wear them...
- my gymbag - i totally spaced the fact that i brought it up tuesday night - i was actually considering going swimming yesterday at work, but ended up needing to stay late & scratched that thought, but i think considering it & not realizing my gymbag isn't with me cemented the thought that it is, and by the time i realized its still at home it was too late to turn back. at least i swam on tuesday though - if i hadn't, i'd feel like a total shit now. i still wish there was a way for me to get it, but there's really noone to bring it to me, and going back home and then back here is totally out of the question. guess twice a week is oging to have to start next week. *grumbles*
- leftover chinese food - angelica, max & i ended up going out for chinese food last night, and it was super yummy and i got tofu with mushrooms, so its super-healthy, too... and i meant to bring the leftovers with me for lunch and totally spaced it. now i keep sitting here thinking about how yummy it is & being unable to figure out what else i'd tolerate chewing for lunch. hrmph.
yeah...
also went to a poetry slam at the cantab lounge last night - it was the preliminary qualifying round for the boston nationals team, so it was pretty damn good... as usual, while sitting there i wished i had a laptop that i could open and type away yet - so many different thoughts and reactions going through my head at once, but because everything goes by quickly and is relatively intense, its very hard to recapture it all afterwards... made me feel really angry about being so damn mediocre though. so often i wish there would be just one thing i could be really good at... but anything that i can do, i can only do to mediocrity, and knowing/seeing that just really hurts sometimes. it also made me consider trying to practice at reciting one of my last poems and try competing one night, but i am too scared to... i'm not sure of the poem, i'm not sure of my vocal abilities and i'm not sure i won't get wicked stage fright. i just don't know... its almost like i don't mind showing my weaknesses, as long as its my choice to do so. but if i fuck up at something i meant to go right, thats exposing a weakness i'm not prepared to show & it scares me shitless.
control freak?? me?! never!! : P
also dragged scuba with me last night, and i think he liked it enough to be a willing victim to these excursions once in a while - which makes me very happy, both cuz it means i don't have to convince myself to go alone & cuz it gives me a chance to spend time with him : )
something else i was pondering last night is that i have never drastically changed my appearance... from the age of 6 till 14, i had pretty much the same haircut - the only change was that i let my hair grow out a little past shoulder-length when i was 11, and started growing my bangs out when i was 12 ( i hated those bangs!).. and my hair has definately grown a lot since i've started seriously growing it out my junior or senior year of high school - but thats a very gradual proccess. and i've never drastically changed the way i dress, either - its all been smooth, slow transformations... so i'm really curious as to what would happen if i just cut my hair wicked short & dyed it. because i've been tempted to for so long... but really scared to at the same time - and the amount of time it would take me to grow it back is very intimidating. but at the same time, i'm starting to feel like i'm getting too old to do these kind of things. which is odd, because i don't know where thats coming from - i mean, at 21 i should still be susceptible to rebelious stages, right? only i've never had a rebelious stage before... and it makes me feel like there's stuff i've really missed out on...
lets see.. what else...
hrmmm... nothing much, really - its this odd stage between weekends when i'm really looking forward stuff that might happen, but at the same time feel like its all too far away...
and again, i kinda wanna go to the movies tomorrow night... but am afraid bill won't want to and am trying not to dwell on it... cuz its only a big deal if i make it be, and there's no reason for something silly like that to be a big deal.
yeah...
