elvendoll

...but damnit, i am.

i hate evenings here, because the biggest reason i come here is to spend time around abi, and when she goes to sleep, i start getting itchy for another purpose, but i rarely feel like going anywhere on my own anymore.
friday i came to an unsettling realization - i am now a tourist in NY.
when living in this hellhole of a state, i took it as a point of pride to get out to the city as often as i could, and to know it as well as i could. but that was now 4 years ago, and now, unless i go to parts i'd spent enough time in to become permanently ingrained in me, i can't tell which side is up and which side is down anymore.
and i don't like it.
i am also not as nocturnal as i used to be. i don't like this, but in boston, there aren't many opportunities to change this, as most things close early.
and i don't have the alcohol tolerance i used to. i don't like this, but have to come to terms with the fact that i cannot afford to change it. what my alcohol tolerance was 4 years ago was a product of free alcohol at home, and not caring what i spent on it elsewhere as i was working for $10/hr and not paying any rent or bills. those days are long gone (and sometimes, when i leave out that they involved living with parents and in Nj, are sorely missed)

i wish there was more time.... and that weekends were longer... i would love to rediscover NYC... (the romantic in me thinks pieces of me are hidden there... pieces that would help me be who i was 4 years ago, minus the stupid-girl-idiocy - as aside from that, i was a whole tone saner then).

in a latent sort of way, i want to try and get in touch with two people i went to high school with here. one was someone i was friends with my junior year (and who ditched me for the cool freaks my senior year), and another is a kid who actually talked to me every once in a while (at that high school, it was a rarity). but, as usual, i am afraid of intruding into other people's lives, and don't make contact. i think a part of me also highly doubt i'd 'connect' with either one of them, and thus don't see too much of a benefit in getting in touch other then satisfying my curiousity.

blah. maybe tonight i will resume the past habit of taking a midnight walk around the lake. i just hope it doesn't damage my sanity too much.