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twists and turns
...i was thinking back...
...and there's a piece of the puzzle thats just odd...
...when i think back to HS, both in CA and NJ, i remember being depressed... but i don't remember having all these other issues i have now...
the anxiety i can trace... but all the other stuff... the insecurity, the issues with being social, the oversressing...
given that my world was a lot more isloated then... in CA i at least had friends... in NJ it was just me amongst all the tides of the school, not really fitting in with anyone... my life consisted of long distance phone calls and escapes to NYC to wonder around by myself.
maybe somehting went wrong then.. or something...
but i think the bottom line is at this point i'm really not happy with the way i function... i feel like a bland & uninteresting stressball... i just don't really know how to change that... i just know that i wasn't always like this...
..it makes me think back to the trip to london last year... how whole i felt exploring the city and going to the museums...
heh... and then i block out the pain of other circumstances of that trip and all i want is to be in that moment again...
and the sad part is, i know what the first thing to do should be - manage my time efficiently.
do homework in a timely fashion, not sit around & mope, etc...
its just that knowing and doing are so far away right now...
*sigh*
its just not a good morning...
and somehow knowing that things will look brighter later on in the day just doesn't do much...
of course knowing that i'm going to go into negative money doesn't help...
...and there's a piece of the puzzle thats just odd...
...when i think back to HS, both in CA and NJ, i remember being depressed... but i don't remember having all these other issues i have now...
the anxiety i can trace... but all the other stuff... the insecurity, the issues with being social, the oversressing...
given that my world was a lot more isloated then... in CA i at least had friends... in NJ it was just me amongst all the tides of the school, not really fitting in with anyone... my life consisted of long distance phone calls and escapes to NYC to wonder around by myself.
maybe somehting went wrong then.. or something...
but i think the bottom line is at this point i'm really not happy with the way i function... i feel like a bland & uninteresting stressball... i just don't really know how to change that... i just know that i wasn't always like this...
..it makes me think back to the trip to london last year... how whole i felt exploring the city and going to the museums...
heh... and then i block out the pain of other circumstances of that trip and all i want is to be in that moment again...
and the sad part is, i know what the first thing to do should be - manage my time efficiently.
do homework in a timely fashion, not sit around & mope, etc...
its just that knowing and doing are so far away right now...
*sigh*
its just not a good morning...
and somehow knowing that things will look brighter later on in the day just doesn't do much...
of course knowing that i'm going to go into negative money doesn't help...
no subject
I know what you mean about a car equating freedom. Technically, yeah, we could all live here without a car. But survival and truly living are two different things.
And I don't think you're bland or uninteresting!
I think I've got to set aside a little emergency fund from now on. Like, $20 a week from my overtime, in case someone gets crunched like this. Just don't tell Debbie! ;)
Re:
before my maxima died, i kept taking it to worcester, which is where my father's mechanic is (as he was the one who worked on the car while my father had it) but ever since i ofund ou the car dying was actually his fault, i don't want ot have anything to do with him...
so usually if i have any car probs, i take the car down to NJ, where my stepdad found a mechanic that specializes in saabs, but in this case there was no way the car would make it down there : (
and yeah, i am totally dependent on the concept of having a car... since i was 17, my car was the only place that was 100% mine - i called the trunk of the maxima 'my favorite place int he world' and would sometimes just drive somewhere and sit there, thinking or reading, because it felt like my space - vs. any house in which other people live, too...
and thanks for the kind words and the mechanic suggestion - though i hope that i will not need another trip to a mechanic in a good long time, when i do i'll definately have to bug you for info : )