randomness...
Sep. 19th, 2000 11:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollso i'm sitting here waiting for bill to be ready for bed, and reminiscing about the weekend...
i just had a really good time at cauldron farms... for the third time now...
and it feels nice...
...that whenever we go down there i enjoy myself no matter what other factors arise...
...that i'm starting to get to know it better, and get more used to going there with bill, as it seems like we're better adjusted to each other's woodsy behavior now...
...and that it seems like cauldron farms has become another safe spot for me... as i really don't have very many of those anymore...
i think the maxima was my original safe spot... it was mine, and sitting inside or on the trunk of that car the world seemed so much less hectic... so much more controllable...
...i don't know why the saab can't give me the same sort of comfort, and thats definately part of the reason i dislike it and am unable to get over losing the maxima...
its funny, it was just a car, but i think i've mourned and pined over its death then the death of any human...
not that i've had anyone really close to me dye, but still... i look at the way my mom handles death, and it just rocks me...
like a couple of months ago, the grandson of a relative, who is closer to the family then the blood ties imply, passed away. he was only 10 months old, had been born with complications, and the actual cause of death is still uncertain...
neither me or my mom had ever seen the boy, yet when she found out of his death my mom burst into tears and was not fully recomposed for days...
...and while i felt a lot of compassion for the grandmother, who i really like and wish i could see more of (she lives in salem... i just somehow never make it out to see her : ( ) i didn't have whatever it is to be moved to tears...
and it makes me wonder if there's something missing in me...
like when my great-grandmothers died...
especially my grandma's mom... i just didn't feel all that much...
and i've rationalized it since then... that i was young (11 and 14, i think) and that having moved so far away from them (they were still in russia and i was in america by then) that to me it was like i mourned for them already when i was going through my adjustment period...
given that i have, in my own way, mourned for my grandfather's mother since... her daughter may be the bane of my existence, but i really did love her, and somehow think that her spirit watches over me still...
..which i guess just leads to another tangent all of its own - the fact that i'm not moved to love easily...
...or at least not in the conventional ways...
...because i love my friends, and would do anything for them... but as far as family is concerned... i guess i doubt that i love those family members i don't like...
cuz i realize you're supposed to...
but i don't think i love my father... and i don't think i loved his father, who had passed away just a year or so ago.
in fact, i don't remember when he died exactly - even though (i don't know if this holds for american culture, but according to russian culture) i'm supposed to.
like i know that somehow i've pissed people off by not calling on the date.. cuz i have a feeling it was just over a year ago... but i just don't remember.
*sigh*
but i did start off talking of nice things...
i just had a really good time at cauldron farms... for the third time now...
and it feels nice...
...that whenever we go down there i enjoy myself no matter what other factors arise...
...that i'm starting to get to know it better, and get more used to going there with bill, as it seems like we're better adjusted to each other's woodsy behavior now...
...and that it seems like cauldron farms has become another safe spot for me... as i really don't have very many of those anymore...
i think the maxima was my original safe spot... it was mine, and sitting inside or on the trunk of that car the world seemed so much less hectic... so much more controllable...
...i don't know why the saab can't give me the same sort of comfort, and thats definately part of the reason i dislike it and am unable to get over losing the maxima...
its funny, it was just a car, but i think i've mourned and pined over its death then the death of any human...
not that i've had anyone really close to me dye, but still... i look at the way my mom handles death, and it just rocks me...
like a couple of months ago, the grandson of a relative, who is closer to the family then the blood ties imply, passed away. he was only 10 months old, had been born with complications, and the actual cause of death is still uncertain...
neither me or my mom had ever seen the boy, yet when she found out of his death my mom burst into tears and was not fully recomposed for days...
...and while i felt a lot of compassion for the grandmother, who i really like and wish i could see more of (she lives in salem... i just somehow never make it out to see her : ( ) i didn't have whatever it is to be moved to tears...
and it makes me wonder if there's something missing in me...
like when my great-grandmothers died...
especially my grandma's mom... i just didn't feel all that much...
and i've rationalized it since then... that i was young (11 and 14, i think) and that having moved so far away from them (they were still in russia and i was in america by then) that to me it was like i mourned for them already when i was going through my adjustment period...
given that i have, in my own way, mourned for my grandfather's mother since... her daughter may be the bane of my existence, but i really did love her, and somehow think that her spirit watches over me still...
..which i guess just leads to another tangent all of its own - the fact that i'm not moved to love easily...
...or at least not in the conventional ways...
...because i love my friends, and would do anything for them... but as far as family is concerned... i guess i doubt that i love those family members i don't like...
cuz i realize you're supposed to...
but i don't think i love my father... and i don't think i loved his father, who had passed away just a year or so ago.
in fact, i don't remember when he died exactly - even though (i don't know if this holds for american culture, but according to russian culture) i'm supposed to.
like i know that somehow i've pissed people off by not calling on the date.. cuz i have a feeling it was just over a year ago... but i just don't remember.
*sigh*
but i did start off talking of nice things...
