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Nov. 5th, 2001 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollnot a happy camper today.
work was nice & mellow, and i was ok when i first got home, but within two hours, my mood went to shit. i feel angry at the season's turning.it was dark before i even left work! i feel like the sun setting early sucks life out of me. in the summertime, i love how long its daylight into the evening, and when nightfall sets in, i'm usually happy to see it, too... in the winter time, i hate it. i don't want to do anything once its dark - just curl up somewhere and pass time till its time to sleep.
not good, huh?
and yeah, i know, the whole bright lamp thing. i guess bottom line is that i don't see how it would replace the sunshine. it would just be bright glare in my face, and those things cost a fortune!
its so damn fucked up. i know i lived through the past falls/winters. i have to have. but aside from small, short memories of parties or memorable events - i don't remember them! i don't remember what i did day to day, i don't remember what the weather was like or how i got through it. last winter, in particular, is one big blur. i remember new year's... i remember being sick. i remember going to visit my parents and going to ny with her. and thats about it.
the winter before has a few more memories - speding time at bill's house - getting stranded in NH during snowstorms and hanging out with her. i spent that new year's with my family, at a big (and mostly sucky) party (but, they did have sushi!).
the winter before i totally blurred. spent new year's up in canada with my family, i believe. had my first surgery. blurblurblur.
my single most vivid memory of fall is being on the phone with her my first fall in boston, on the front steps of the mt. vernon apartment... and feeling it inside me... looking around, taking it all in, and realizing that there is nothing in my life causing the depression - that i loved living on my own, enjoyed going to school, liked boston, and had this misery festering in me.
luckliy, my second most vivid memory is more pleasant.
its odd.
i usually try to not let this shit get to me this much.
and i've been hungry all day. i came home and ate potatoes and lox that my family sent me home with. and i wanted more. and i've been telling myself i won't have anything else to eat... and then broke down and ate a bag of popcorn. and i am still itching to eat something. actively.
now, usually, i don't eat like this unless i am PMS'ing, but my period isn't due for 2 weeks. but lately, it hasn't been unusual for me to get PMS'y like a week before, but that doesn't usually involve the hunger, and this is still a week early for that...
i guess i'm just worried that this is fall-time hunger (like, in theory, if you start eating less in the spring, you should start eating more in the fall, right?)
other things that have been rumbling around:
on the way to NJ, i thought i saw the guy who i almost slammed into while he was pulling a uturn on the pike in the middle of rush hour (and for the life of me, i can't find the entry i wrote about it to link it - if anyone can, i'd be grateful!). my main theory is how many lettuce green new mustangs can there be in this area? i know i've seen one other one since - but it had RI plates. this one had mass plates, but there was a slow guy in front of me, and i couldn't catch up to the car in time to see the driver. not that i know what i would have done if it was him... but...
i am still amazed by abi. she comes up to just past my kneww when we're standing next to each other, and just how much of a person she is blows my mind. she can form really concrete thoughts and opinions... thinking back, i don't remember debbie ever being like that - she was more toy like in that everything was about her - she was more like a toy - abi forms opinions about the world around her, and is a very serious kid - even when she's joking arund, you can see she realizes she's joking.
and yes, i have some pics : ) i just haven't cropped them yet : )
and it looks like i have run out of steam.
more later.
i just wish i wasn't feeling this funky. there's dishes that i need to do, there was a bunch of stuff online i needed to get to, laundry has been way overdue, and i was going to take an evening shower. but all i want to do is curl up under my blankets.
work was nice & mellow, and i was ok when i first got home, but within two hours, my mood went to shit. i feel angry at the season's turning.it was dark before i even left work! i feel like the sun setting early sucks life out of me. in the summertime, i love how long its daylight into the evening, and when nightfall sets in, i'm usually happy to see it, too... in the winter time, i hate it. i don't want to do anything once its dark - just curl up somewhere and pass time till its time to sleep.
not good, huh?
and yeah, i know, the whole bright lamp thing. i guess bottom line is that i don't see how it would replace the sunshine. it would just be bright glare in my face, and those things cost a fortune!
its so damn fucked up. i know i lived through the past falls/winters. i have to have. but aside from small, short memories of parties or memorable events - i don't remember them! i don't remember what i did day to day, i don't remember what the weather was like or how i got through it. last winter, in particular, is one big blur. i remember new year's... i remember being sick. i remember going to visit my parents and going to ny with her. and thats about it.
the winter before has a few more memories - speding time at bill's house - getting stranded in NH during snowstorms and hanging out with her. i spent that new year's with my family, at a big (and mostly sucky) party (but, they did have sushi!).
the winter before i totally blurred. spent new year's up in canada with my family, i believe. had my first surgery. blurblurblur.
my single most vivid memory of fall is being on the phone with her my first fall in boston, on the front steps of the mt. vernon apartment... and feeling it inside me... looking around, taking it all in, and realizing that there is nothing in my life causing the depression - that i loved living on my own, enjoyed going to school, liked boston, and had this misery festering in me.
luckliy, my second most vivid memory is more pleasant.
its odd.
i usually try to not let this shit get to me this much.
and i've been hungry all day. i came home and ate potatoes and lox that my family sent me home with. and i wanted more. and i've been telling myself i won't have anything else to eat... and then broke down and ate a bag of popcorn. and i am still itching to eat something. actively.
now, usually, i don't eat like this unless i am PMS'ing, but my period isn't due for 2 weeks. but lately, it hasn't been unusual for me to get PMS'y like a week before, but that doesn't usually involve the hunger, and this is still a week early for that...
i guess i'm just worried that this is fall-time hunger (like, in theory, if you start eating less in the spring, you should start eating more in the fall, right?)
other things that have been rumbling around:
on the way to NJ, i thought i saw the guy who i almost slammed into while he was pulling a uturn on the pike in the middle of rush hour (and for the life of me, i can't find the entry i wrote about it to link it - if anyone can, i'd be grateful!). my main theory is how many lettuce green new mustangs can there be in this area? i know i've seen one other one since - but it had RI plates. this one had mass plates, but there was a slow guy in front of me, and i couldn't catch up to the car in time to see the driver. not that i know what i would have done if it was him... but...
i am still amazed by abi. she comes up to just past my kneww when we're standing next to each other, and just how much of a person she is blows my mind. she can form really concrete thoughts and opinions... thinking back, i don't remember debbie ever being like that - she was more toy like in that everything was about her - she was more like a toy - abi forms opinions about the world around her, and is a very serious kid - even when she's joking arund, you can see she realizes she's joking.
and yes, i have some pics : ) i just haven't cropped them yet : )
and it looks like i have run out of steam.
more later.
i just wish i wasn't feeling this funky. there's dishes that i need to do, there was a bunch of stuff online i needed to get to, laundry has been way overdue, and i was going to take an evening shower. but all i want to do is curl up under my blankets.
