i'm almost surprised...
Nov. 8th, 2001 01:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendoll...i had a good time tonight...
but i am not happy to be home, alone.
but yeah.
it fucking scares me.
i know it comes from me. i can be cheerful, try my best to appear outgoing, and have a good time. or i can be myself, wander from room to room, feeling like an outsider to everything. and it seems to take alcohol to get me from the latter to the former.
a part of me hopes it might be the sugar and taurine in my drinks (as the same thing happened last Monday night, after a tootsie roll on an empty stomach and no drink yet) but i am afraid believing that would be deluding myself.
so the question is - i know what works, and i know what doesn't. why can't i break out of what doesn't on my own?
*sigh*
but, i did have a good time. i realized lately that unless i really like a band's music, standing still for a whole show wears me thin, so i spent a lot of time wandering around, and still managed to catch some good music : )
and now it should be bedtime, for the alarm to wake me early in the morning.
i am almost scared to try and go away for thanksgiving. i want a break, but i am scared it won't be enough to recenter me - that i don't have it in me to recenter me at the moment.
i'm playing it by ear though... gotta give her another call, and perchance start seriously looking for cheap plane tickets.
but i am not happy to be home, alone.
but yeah.
it fucking scares me.
i know it comes from me. i can be cheerful, try my best to appear outgoing, and have a good time. or i can be myself, wander from room to room, feeling like an outsider to everything. and it seems to take alcohol to get me from the latter to the former.
a part of me hopes it might be the sugar and taurine in my drinks (as the same thing happened last Monday night, after a tootsie roll on an empty stomach and no drink yet) but i am afraid believing that would be deluding myself.
so the question is - i know what works, and i know what doesn't. why can't i break out of what doesn't on my own?
*sigh*
but, i did have a good time. i realized lately that unless i really like a band's music, standing still for a whole show wears me thin, so i spent a lot of time wandering around, and still managed to catch some good music : )
and now it should be bedtime, for the alarm to wake me early in the morning.
i am almost scared to try and go away for thanksgiving. i want a break, but i am scared it won't be enough to recenter me - that i don't have it in me to recenter me at the moment.
i'm playing it by ear though... gotta give her another call, and perchance start seriously looking for cheap plane tickets.
