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Nov. 13th, 2001 10:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli guess you can say today was better then yesterday...
work was a bit calmer and nicola's phone call really cheered me up... during lunch, i went to the maul, and after finishing my sandwich, managed to hit 3 stores in the lunch hour - contempo, which only had shite on the sales racks, H & M, which i think disturbed me more then leaving any other kind of impression, and filene's basement - where i was happy to notice some skirts - none were anything i'd buy, but just their presence reminded me that the holiday season is coming up, stores are going to stock up on clothing thats family or church presentable, and i just might be able to find myself some skirts that go past my mid-calf! after work, i gave adam a lift home, and while picking up soda (and chips... and ice cream...) at osco's, we also got hairdye - this is an adventure to be : ) i've just always said that oscar wilde was right, and that if i am tempted to do something (and there aren't horrendous consequences involved), i should do it. and now there's a box sitting on my desk (after i impatiently read through all the instructions and decided to ignore them *ducks*)
i've also picked my book back up.. its funny, reading some of it, i can totally tell why irvine welsh is one of jedi's favorite authors - really gotta lend him this book after i am done with it.
its weird... over time, over the past few months, i've been trying to figure out who i was 4 years ago. from here, it feels like i was so much more independent, confident, interested in life, socially apt and just together. and i want to know what i've lost between then and now.
i think i stumbled onto part of the answer today.... then, i felt like i had life in front of me - almost a blank slate. now, its like i feel trapped in my own body. just like i feel more comfortable driving places instead of taking the T, because the car offers me an inclosed space that i can be comfortable in, thats sheltered from the rest of the world, retreating into myself makes me feel safer from the eyes and thoughts of others. only that just isn't right - i'm a pretty social person. as a little kid, i used to have a knack for randomly making friends when taken to playgrounds or parks... and to this day, i love having people over, having parties, etc. but, i've still been a recluse. i'd convinced myself that going out to a clubnight a couple of nights a week is having a social life, and i let myself cocoon myself inside, to the point where i can barely see what goes on outside, and have the hardest time communicating with people who are not yet in my comfort zone. this bites. and of course, feeling like a total outsider in social situations only makes me want to retreat more.
so what am i going to do about this?
i have no fucking clue yet.
this is another case of me publicly posting something that had been festering inside, so that maybe once its out in the open i can feel comfortable enough with it to try and fix it. then again, i posted about my fear of failure, and am still not making any headway with that ((i did, however, go see a dr., and was told that (a) there's nothing new in my boobs and (b) to only do the self-test a week after my period, as during other times, there's a higher chance of me feeling something that isn't there)).
work was a bit calmer and nicola's phone call really cheered me up... during lunch, i went to the maul, and after finishing my sandwich, managed to hit 3 stores in the lunch hour - contempo, which only had shite on the sales racks, H & M, which i think disturbed me more then leaving any other kind of impression, and filene's basement - where i was happy to notice some skirts - none were anything i'd buy, but just their presence reminded me that the holiday season is coming up, stores are going to stock up on clothing thats family or church presentable, and i just might be able to find myself some skirts that go past my mid-calf! after work, i gave adam a lift home, and while picking up soda (and chips... and ice cream...) at osco's, we also got hairdye - this is an adventure to be : ) i've just always said that oscar wilde was right, and that if i am tempted to do something (and there aren't horrendous consequences involved), i should do it. and now there's a box sitting on my desk (after i impatiently read through all the instructions and decided to ignore them *ducks*)
i've also picked my book back up.. its funny, reading some of it, i can totally tell why irvine welsh is one of jedi's favorite authors - really gotta lend him this book after i am done with it.
its weird... over time, over the past few months, i've been trying to figure out who i was 4 years ago. from here, it feels like i was so much more independent, confident, interested in life, socially apt and just together. and i want to know what i've lost between then and now.
i think i stumbled onto part of the answer today.... then, i felt like i had life in front of me - almost a blank slate. now, its like i feel trapped in my own body. just like i feel more comfortable driving places instead of taking the T, because the car offers me an inclosed space that i can be comfortable in, thats sheltered from the rest of the world, retreating into myself makes me feel safer from the eyes and thoughts of others. only that just isn't right - i'm a pretty social person. as a little kid, i used to have a knack for randomly making friends when taken to playgrounds or parks... and to this day, i love having people over, having parties, etc. but, i've still been a recluse. i'd convinced myself that going out to a clubnight a couple of nights a week is having a social life, and i let myself cocoon myself inside, to the point where i can barely see what goes on outside, and have the hardest time communicating with people who are not yet in my comfort zone. this bites. and of course, feeling like a total outsider in social situations only makes me want to retreat more.
so what am i going to do about this?
i have no fucking clue yet.
this is another case of me publicly posting something that had been festering inside, so that maybe once its out in the open i can feel comfortable enough with it to try and fix it. then again, i posted about my fear of failure, and am still not making any headway with that ((i did, however, go see a dr., and was told that (a) there's nothing new in my boobs and (b) to only do the self-test a week after my period, as during other times, there's a higher chance of me feeling something that isn't there)).
