fear causes denial...

[elvendoll]

its so fucking sad.
i have SAD really bad.
but i've been afraird to say it.
because on the one hand, i don't want to be using it as an excuse, and on the other, i am not ready to start fighting it.
the latter partially caused by being afraid of failing.
i had to deal with clinical deppression for 5 years before and i just have horrible memories of fighting it and losing.
but all the signs are here.
i'm constantly tired, i've been going ot bed early but having a harder time falling asleep, my ability to force myself to do the little things like housework and homework has gone down to almost nil, and i've been antisocial... like when i've gone out to the clubs i've felt really uncomfortable and out of place, i haven't really spent time with anyone other then tobi, and its been weeks since i've started (or hell, been able to keep!) a conversation over AIM... i just look over my buddy list and flip windows : (
*sigh*
so admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
heh.. i went to the safehouse buffy thing last night to try and be social.. and for the most part i failed... and i've been trying so hard not to think about it since : (
its the same thing it was back then - i go from wanting to have someone there to push me along, to take my hand and lead me through all the things i can't bring myself to do, and feeling like shit for wanting/needing someone else, for not being able to do it by myself.
*sigh*
time to head off to class...
(after skipping the first one : ( )

Comments

meow....

[kittypie.livejournal.com]

Have you ever read William Styron's DARKNESS VISIBLE ??? I recommend it... it will give you insight into your SADness... hehe... or at least provide some interesting reading!

[maxiezeus.livejournal.com]

I don't think you failed all that badly as socializing at SafeHouse last night... I enjoyed spending time with you! And I enjoyed our AIM chat last week (two weeks ago?). Don't sell yourself short...

You don't have to be afraid of failing. We're not going to let that happen.

[maxievenus.livejournal.com]

I don't think you failed at all last night! We enjoyed your company very much. I'm so sorry you're feeling depressed, and I wish I could do something to help.

I've been through it myself. No one ever diagnosed it as clinical, but I've felt alot of what you've described.

I know we're just getting to know each other, but you can always be yourself around me. If you feel sad, that's fine. If you're mad, that's fine. If you're happy, that's good too. If you don't want to talk, I'll understand. Or if you do want to talk, I'll listen. *hugs*

[justfortoday.livejournal.com]

Admitting it, to YOURSELF is a huge first step. Its so much easier to sit back and watch your life go by on someone's 3D imax than to actually become actively involved. Depression has got to be one of the most evil disorders to try and beat. Just when you think you've won, the bell jar descends again. Yulia Gulia, I've found that setting small goals...that ARE obtainable helps signifigantly in reaching the large ones...like being able to follow a conversation on AIM (i fail miserably), falling asleep at night, and making it to class.
And, although its 4:56 AM, and i'm in a horid mood due to the freakin' steam radiator doing its gurgling and...wait, we're talking about you :) The point is, I myself am feeling the DANGER signs of sadness/depression descending its black veil upon me...but, i know from dealing with it over the past five years...that this too, shall pass. And, although we don't know each other that well...let me tell you, when i met you, i thought to myself "this is someone i WANT to get to know, she seems absolutely beautiful from the tip of her toes all the way up through those inviting, warm eyes."
"I'll stand by you
won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you"