home alone on a saturday night

[elvendoll]

well, at my parents' house...

i feel like such a dork not wanting to drive into the city, but the hour drive there & back + the cold weather is rather daunting : (
i can't wait for the spring/summmer months, when i could roll my windows down and enjoy the drive in, or just walk to the lake and hang out there...

of course, i could always try to get a hold of iggee to see if he, indeed, wants to hang out, but i don't want to be drinking, as i definately would need to drive back here, and its a tad late to get sushi, and i can't think of anything else to do...

so, instead, i am staying here, just like i had last night. i am trying to read dead souls, and amusingly enough, after giving me the usual shit about reading it in translation, my mom recommended that i make sure i have another book with me - meaning that she thinks this book is too boring to actually read through when not for a school assignment. we'll see what happens : )

of course the highlight of this visit has been abi... since she first saw me on friday morning, she's really taken to me again - smiled when she first saw me, let me carry her to my parent's room from her room, has played with me a lot, and even gives me kisses every once in a while! (she rarely gives anyone kisses and only hugs her father) according to my mom, she's asked for me when she woke up this morning and from her nap yesterday *beam* and of course, i am totally loving spending time with her : )
and, i've barely bickered with debbie this weekend, and spent time playing with a beach ball in the living room with her last night : )

i don't know if its because i was working friday and then slept late and napped today, but the time seems to be going by fairly quicky - i can hardly believe i'll be leaving tomorrow... (hopefully, after a nice meal of sushi with my parents, too : ))
now, next goal is to get home without another speeding ticket *roar* i can't believe that i got one on the way up considering the fact that i was making a conscious effort to drive slower in order for that not to happen : /
and, its going to be weird because he said he caught me doing 85, gave me a ticket for going 75 (in a 55), but wrote on the ticket that he clocked me at 85 with a laser radar - i somehow doubt i'll be able to fight that : /
*goes back to forgetting about the ticket*

i'm still thinking about why i haven't been up to really updating lately... a part of it is that i haven't felt like communicating, period - i feel this odd desire to retreat back into myself, only i know that that will not do me any good, so i force myself to stay partially in the open.
i've been feeling more (socially) self-conscious lately, and its only caused me to screw up more - i hate it when my accent shows up, and it comes out heavier. for some reason, that leads to me trying to talk faster, and then i jumble my words, and its all just a big downhill slope - and its all coming from in my head, and i somehow need to tap into calm headspace to get rid of it... and i've been more paranoid about how people see me, which also makes me retreat. in a way, knowing that people that have a negative opinion of me may be reading this has been a part of why i haven't been writing much, too - its not something that usually bothers me, only when i'm being ultra sensitive anyways...
and i've been avoiding house chores, and trying really hard to supress the feelings of failure that gives me...
and no, writing all that out isn't making me feel better about any of it, no purging, just causing the less then pleasant things to rise. *sigh*

Comments

[cafegalprima.livejournal.com]

what kind of accent do you have?

[lostphrack.livejournal.com]

A sexy one. ;D

[aisling.livejournal.com]

I go through this same feeling regularly, too. And I try to push past it, when I realize what's going on. For me, living "out loud" as Zola said, is vital. Oh sure, there are times when it's important for me to regroup, privately. That's different.

When I feel that others are (maybe/possibly/probably) disapproving, and I respond by hiding in my home, dressing more conservatively, trying to look/sound/act like everyone else... Well, that's the time that I most need to push beyond it, take a stand and say, This is who I am, and anything less is pretense and denying my potential.

In a way, it's like writing. Yes, I can edit my own work well after I write it, once I have a sense of perspective about it.

But if try to I edit my life, making it more worthy of approval or something... Well, that can't be done. I move into spectator mode if I do that. That's not living; I may as well turn on the TV and live vicariously there, because that's much "safer," in social terms.

*shudder*

If you need time alone, to collect your thoughts and regroup, that's one thing. It can be vital.

But, if you're approaching a mode in which you're walking through the abyss, and others' opinions are hovering above you like vultures waiting for that one indication of vulnerability and weakness... Put on some wildwear and go to a club or contact some friends to hang out and be weird together.

That's my advice anyway. *grin and very big hug*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

*hugs* thanks : )

i guess i'm weird because when i'm like this, i still pretend to be social, like going to the clubs & stuff... i just avoid more meaningful interaction, i guess...

but yeah, i definately have food for thought now...

(and expect a social-call post tomorrow ; ) )