more blabber for this evening...
Sep. 30th, 2000 11:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendoll...spent the evening with my parents and a pair of ther friends...
...mostly talking about college stuff, as their older son is a senior now and doesn't have his ass in gear as to what happens next.
brought back all sorts of memories.
i don't think my parents realized at the time that all the college picking and financial aid stuff isn't supposed to be solely the kid's responisibility.
and i am a private enough person not to have wanted them involved.
and determined to keep my really horrid mental state at the time a secret - and my parents were oblivious to anything as long as all external signs blinked when they were supposed to *sigh*
but in a way its good.
i know that no matter how much the fact that such a number of my choices were passive choices irks me, they were all 100% my choices.
and talking about this all with my mom there, she is finally realizing just how much i *did* do then... and it allowed me to spew forth another fact previously kept secret - that my application to rutgers university arrived there a day late... and thats why they put me on the wait list rather then flat out accepting me.
but everything works out for the best. i have no doubs now (nor did i before - i applied there only on my mother's insistence) that if i had gone there i would have been miserable there.
heh... i'm only 21 and i think all my big secrets are out to my mom : )
it feels kinda cool : )
...then again, her comment was way too stereotypical to not be given mention - 'well, as long as i don't know whats going on when its happening everything is fine' - as in the 'don't let me catch you doing something wrong' attitude she's had my whole life...
other things on my mind?
...having had to spend time 1 on 1 with my stepdad's father today. he asked me about my schoolwork, how much time i have left, what my major is. made a comment along the lines of 'its hard to get a job with an english major'... and i don't know what the fuck it is, but whenever him or my stepdad's mom ask me question like that they're more out ot make sure their sons money is being spent well rather then any concern for me. and though i'm very well aware that i should be grateful that i'm on good terms with them, and that they 'accept me as a granddaughter', whatever acceptance it is, it was a lot more obvious before they had real grandchildren. and i can't help resenting that.
and speaking of being a part of that family... turns out my stepdad made a donationt o the synagogue.... rosh hashanah and yom kippur prayerbooks translated to russian. and inscribed.
1/3 for abigail's birthday. 1/3 for debbie's birthday. and 1/3 for my birthday. with his last name behind my first name.
i just don't know how i feel about that...
especially considering that just last week my mom for some reason brought up how offended my stepdad was when i (at 11 years old) told him i don't want to change my last name (which is my father's) to his.
so why am i so confused?
because i appreciate the fact that he does so much for me.
my mom isn't working anymore - and even when she was, she still wasn't making much money... its really him putting me through college.
and its him looking for another car for me.
and before i came up on friday, he bought 3 bottles of SoBe for my visit.
and maybe that last one is more touching then the previous 2, even those are of financially greater worth.
but i still resent the guy.
resent his strict religious views, resent his political views, and resent that he is not above striking a child - he calls it discipline.
and i am eternally grateful that he was never allowed to be a father figure for me, that i was never expected to conform to his standards - just those of my mom.
so i'm torn between loving and hating the guy.
and i somehow don't think i will ever find a happy medium.
and to be brutally honest, if i had my pick of last names, i'd take my maternal grandma's maiden name without a moments hesitation...
also, i am very much relaxing here this visit.
even though the knowledge that on monday i have to force myself to pick up the psych book and cram is lying at the bottom of my stomach like dead weight, i am keeping it there... and trying not to stress over it until then...
and its so nice being in a clean house.
and not having to worry about cooking food - there's an overflowing fridge. hell, if my mom is around she'll even nuke it for me and bring the plate with silverware to my seat!
and the dishwasher does the dishes...
there's just really nothing i have to do... just kinda try to chill...
and i like it... i wouldn't want to live here, but it certainly a nice break : )
bill never called today... not that i am really surprised... or annoyed, or worried... i just kinda wish we parted on a less stressy note.
c'est la vie.
and also there's been a lot of talk about depression in my life in the past couple of days. from my own entries, to conversations with friends and an entry of tobi's... and though it puts me on edge a bit, i think its good - its helping me refine where i stand and why.
i jsut wish i wouldn't have so many memories flooding back to me... like the ocnversation with chris in which he told me its not normal to consider suicide when waiting for a T train... like when i was reading the section on depression for psych100 over the summer and the chords it was strking within me - down to how a significant amount of cases are initially triggered through the bursting of illusions regarding parental units.
...but that just makes me angry, too...
i know its wrong to blame the onset of my depression on my father - its not his fault i ate up his lies of caring about me and built a little world upon them...
...its not his fault i broke when the fact that he was lying shone through - when he didn't call the daughter he loves oh so much even once during a 6 month 'business trip'...
but damnit.
if he could just apologize.
or admit that he's been full of shit.
the only time i confronted him with the tip of the anger iceberg i have towards me, all he could say was 'i don't know what to say. i will call you tomorrow'.
not that he called the next day or brought up the issue again...
*sigh*
i think i'm going to pick a date... heh.. his birthday will do.. so.. january 13th.
i have until then to mourn, or spew, or bitch.
but from that day on i won't mention him again.
then he will be totally out of my life.
and that makes me feel better : )
and i am getting sleepy.. and i have rambled long enough...
...mostly talking about college stuff, as their older son is a senior now and doesn't have his ass in gear as to what happens next.
brought back all sorts of memories.
i don't think my parents realized at the time that all the college picking and financial aid stuff isn't supposed to be solely the kid's responisibility.
and i am a private enough person not to have wanted them involved.
and determined to keep my really horrid mental state at the time a secret - and my parents were oblivious to anything as long as all external signs blinked when they were supposed to *sigh*
but in a way its good.
i know that no matter how much the fact that such a number of my choices were passive choices irks me, they were all 100% my choices.
and talking about this all with my mom there, she is finally realizing just how much i *did* do then... and it allowed me to spew forth another fact previously kept secret - that my application to rutgers university arrived there a day late... and thats why they put me on the wait list rather then flat out accepting me.
but everything works out for the best. i have no doubs now (nor did i before - i applied there only on my mother's insistence) that if i had gone there i would have been miserable there.
heh... i'm only 21 and i think all my big secrets are out to my mom : )
it feels kinda cool : )
...then again, her comment was way too stereotypical to not be given mention - 'well, as long as i don't know whats going on when its happening everything is fine' - as in the 'don't let me catch you doing something wrong' attitude she's had my whole life...
other things on my mind?
...having had to spend time 1 on 1 with my stepdad's father today. he asked me about my schoolwork, how much time i have left, what my major is. made a comment along the lines of 'its hard to get a job with an english major'... and i don't know what the fuck it is, but whenever him or my stepdad's mom ask me question like that they're more out ot make sure their sons money is being spent well rather then any concern for me. and though i'm very well aware that i should be grateful that i'm on good terms with them, and that they 'accept me as a granddaughter', whatever acceptance it is, it was a lot more obvious before they had real grandchildren. and i can't help resenting that.
and speaking of being a part of that family... turns out my stepdad made a donationt o the synagogue.... rosh hashanah and yom kippur prayerbooks translated to russian. and inscribed.
1/3 for abigail's birthday. 1/3 for debbie's birthday. and 1/3 for my birthday. with his last name behind my first name.
i just don't know how i feel about that...
especially considering that just last week my mom for some reason brought up how offended my stepdad was when i (at 11 years old) told him i don't want to change my last name (which is my father's) to his.
so why am i so confused?
because i appreciate the fact that he does so much for me.
my mom isn't working anymore - and even when she was, she still wasn't making much money... its really him putting me through college.
and its him looking for another car for me.
and before i came up on friday, he bought 3 bottles of SoBe for my visit.
and maybe that last one is more touching then the previous 2, even those are of financially greater worth.
but i still resent the guy.
resent his strict religious views, resent his political views, and resent that he is not above striking a child - he calls it discipline.
and i am eternally grateful that he was never allowed to be a father figure for me, that i was never expected to conform to his standards - just those of my mom.
so i'm torn between loving and hating the guy.
and i somehow don't think i will ever find a happy medium.
and to be brutally honest, if i had my pick of last names, i'd take my maternal grandma's maiden name without a moments hesitation...
also, i am very much relaxing here this visit.
even though the knowledge that on monday i have to force myself to pick up the psych book and cram is lying at the bottom of my stomach like dead weight, i am keeping it there... and trying not to stress over it until then...
and its so nice being in a clean house.
and not having to worry about cooking food - there's an overflowing fridge. hell, if my mom is around she'll even nuke it for me and bring the plate with silverware to my seat!
and the dishwasher does the dishes...
there's just really nothing i have to do... just kinda try to chill...
and i like it... i wouldn't want to live here, but it certainly a nice break : )
bill never called today... not that i am really surprised... or annoyed, or worried... i just kinda wish we parted on a less stressy note.
c'est la vie.
and also there's been a lot of talk about depression in my life in the past couple of days. from my own entries, to conversations with friends and an entry of tobi's... and though it puts me on edge a bit, i think its good - its helping me refine where i stand and why.
i jsut wish i wouldn't have so many memories flooding back to me... like the ocnversation with chris in which he told me its not normal to consider suicide when waiting for a T train... like when i was reading the section on depression for psych100 over the summer and the chords it was strking within me - down to how a significant amount of cases are initially triggered through the bursting of illusions regarding parental units.
...but that just makes me angry, too...
i know its wrong to blame the onset of my depression on my father - its not his fault i ate up his lies of caring about me and built a little world upon them...
...its not his fault i broke when the fact that he was lying shone through - when he didn't call the daughter he loves oh so much even once during a 6 month 'business trip'...
but damnit.
if he could just apologize.
or admit that he's been full of shit.
the only time i confronted him with the tip of the anger iceberg i have towards me, all he could say was 'i don't know what to say. i will call you tomorrow'.
not that he called the next day or brought up the issue again...
*sigh*
i think i'm going to pick a date... heh.. his birthday will do.. so.. january 13th.
i have until then to mourn, or spew, or bitch.
but from that day on i won't mention him again.
then he will be totally out of my life.
and that makes me feel better : )
and i am getting sleepy.. and i have rambled long enough...
Re:
Date: 2000-10-02 11:03 am (UTC)his brother has been out of my lofe for 7 years now, because one day i sat down and decided that its time to sever ties...
my father won't (or hasn't) fight(fouhgt) to keep up contact with me, and now i have given myself a deadline by which to wade through the anger i have towards him, and store it away into a neat little box.
and then he will be out of my life.
the lessons he could have taught me have been learned already, and any influence he has had over the past 3 years has been negative, so its enough.
as to my stepdad... yes, it is a blessing that he doesn't make me conform. and thats actually the thin line of me not being his daughter... his daughters will have no choice but to conform, or be disowned, sad as the case may be.
and as for my mom and the caffiene pills... i don't blame her for not noticing. i hid it from her, just like i hid my depression from her... i didn't want the intrusion that her help will be...
but in general, a lot of parents live in denial.
not out of any ill will to their children, but out of the belief that nothing 'bad' can happen to them - that 'other people' have problems...
and the amount of attention parents give their children also depends on their view as to how ivolved they should be in the life of their child... i remember coming home and telling my mom of problems i was having with my peers, and she would tell me that those are my problems, and that its my responsibility to settle them. and in retrospect i recognize that she said that not because she didn't care, but because to her, teaching me to be self-reliant was a big priority.
i think thats why often it takes kids moving out to be on good terms with their parents... its hard to view your parents' motivations without coloring it with your reactions to their actions...
Re:
Date: 2000-10-02 01:45 pm (UTC)reading what you wrote just makes me feel like my experience is so unique...
there was no concept of god or the tooth fairy in my upbringing... and the russian equivalent of santa i dispelled rather painlessly early on...
i never thought of my mom as omnicient... i always knew i could get away with lying to her, i just also knew that getting caught wasn't worth it, so the decision to disobey or not had to be weighed carefully...
my family tried really hard to teach me autonomy early on... let me keep to myself as much as i wanted, told me to settle my problems myself and left me responisble for my homework since day 1...
and because i liked the autonomy given to me, i knew that if i fucked up i'd be risking losing it, and i didn't want that...
and yeah, it probably is really hard being a parent to a teenager.
all of a sudden these innocent creatures grow up... and most want to go through the steps of growing up on their own... the parents hardly know whats going on and why - just that they're the bad guys for whatever rules they want to enforce.
i honestly can't imagine why people choose to go through that *shudder*