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May. 22nd, 2002 04:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolltoday is my mom's birthday... though i haven't been able to reach her by house or cell phone yet... i'm guessing she's just out with abi & doesn't have the cell with her...
four years ago last night was also the last time i seriously contemplated suicide. i can't begin to comprehend where my head was then - i knew i needed to be reasoned out of it, and the person i turned to was in the process of lying to me. remembering that my mom's birthday is the next day ended up keeping me from (further urges to) get into the maxima and drive it into a poll at over 100 mph.
and i don't know what this means to me now. a reminder of how low i'd been, and how far i am from those depths now? a sign of how huge my walls are, as i literally cannot comprehend what was going on in my head? a blinking neon four, as i see just how long its been, and how far i still am from being on track with my life?
blah. that isn't going anywhere pleasant.
i guess i just felt the need to mention that. kinda like how i hated the fact that i didn't celebrate august 31st in 1999 (wow, i can't believe my trip to london was that long ago!).
yesterday was an odd day, which would prolly have been much less odd if i wasn't pms'ing. i fixated on an idea early on in the day, and when i realized i was banging my head against a wall i got all sorts of bent out of shape about it. i knew it was pms, so i wasn't taking myself too seriously, but i just didn't have it in me to regroup about the idea. and i guess it was just as well, too, as i was rather tired last night.
saw the buffy finale & thought it was rather anti-climactic... and to say anything would mean giving spoilers : )
after buffy, adam & i sat down to figure out billstuff, and ever since, i've felt like a huge weight has been lifted off - them being in the state that they were made me anxious and angry (at myself) over the last couple of weeks. and overall, adam seemed to be pleasant spirits, which made me rather happy : ) (no more roomatebutt crankypants *giggles*)
so after doing the bills i played online for a bit & read a bit before going to bed. unfortunately, the odds of me finishing this book before classes start are slim to none - here's hoping i keep up with it while doing school reading...
(eek. wrote this much earlier today)
four years ago last night was also the last time i seriously contemplated suicide. i can't begin to comprehend where my head was then - i knew i needed to be reasoned out of it, and the person i turned to was in the process of lying to me. remembering that my mom's birthday is the next day ended up keeping me from (further urges to) get into the maxima and drive it into a poll at over 100 mph.
and i don't know what this means to me now. a reminder of how low i'd been, and how far i am from those depths now? a sign of how huge my walls are, as i literally cannot comprehend what was going on in my head? a blinking neon four, as i see just how long its been, and how far i still am from being on track with my life?
blah. that isn't going anywhere pleasant.
i guess i just felt the need to mention that. kinda like how i hated the fact that i didn't celebrate august 31st in 1999 (wow, i can't believe my trip to london was that long ago!).
yesterday was an odd day, which would prolly have been much less odd if i wasn't pms'ing. i fixated on an idea early on in the day, and when i realized i was banging my head against a wall i got all sorts of bent out of shape about it. i knew it was pms, so i wasn't taking myself too seriously, but i just didn't have it in me to regroup about the idea. and i guess it was just as well, too, as i was rather tired last night.
saw the buffy finale & thought it was rather anti-climactic... and to say anything would mean giving spoilers : )
after buffy, adam & i sat down to figure out billstuff, and ever since, i've felt like a huge weight has been lifted off - them being in the state that they were made me anxious and angry (at myself) over the last couple of weeks. and overall, adam seemed to be pleasant spirits, which made me rather happy : ) (no more roomatebutt crankypants *giggles*)
so after doing the bills i played online for a bit & read a bit before going to bed. unfortunately, the odds of me finishing this book before classes start are slim to none - here's hoping i keep up with it while doing school reading...
(eek. wrote this much earlier today)
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no subject
Date: 2002-05-22 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-22 03:34 pm (UTC)we just gotta fight out who's house we do it at : )
Re:
Date: 2002-05-23 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-05-23 12:56 pm (UTC)[whine]
but its so far away!!
[/whine]
; )
Re:
Date: 2002-05-23 01:09 pm (UTC)