random thoughts

[elvendoll]

today, i am wearing a white wife beater from gap kids. it was given to debbie as a present when she was 9, and we figured out it fits me, so my mom made me keep it.
i'm also wearing blue bdu's, and debbie happens to own a near-identical pair.
does this mean i can pretend to be 11?

i measured my height today. i'm still 5'3", which is really really scary, as it means my mom has started to shrink. i'm totally disturbed.

i think my perception of my body is going through a shift. i feel bigger. like wider and taller. the taller has just been disproven. and i know i'm a little wider in some areas, and a bit wider in others, but this is concentrated right around my hips. i guess i'm unable to tell where my perception is exaggerating how much wider i've gotten. i'll also say that i'm not looking forward to trying on my (pseudo) corsets again. i'm also kinda curious if this is a part of me not feeling like a little girl anymore.

i'm a little anxious as to whether i'll get my paper back today.
moreover, i'm anxious over asking for it back.
there are some professors who i don't mind being noticed by... they tend to be the ones whose classes i enjoy most, and for which i enjoy putting in the work. this is far from being one of those, and i am dreading how asking for my paper back will make me stand out.
i'm also curious about the overwhelming urge i feel to disappear into the crowd in this class. everyone sits towards the back, but i usually take a seat in the back row. right to the side of the 'cool kids', and next to a guy i did the little intro exercise with and a chick he flirts with. and i scrunch up into my chair, the sitting version of the fetal position, and wish i was invisible.
when i was in HS, my mom came to pick me up from the SAT prep course she put me into, and pointed out that i look like an little wild animal in a cage. there's actually a picture in the psych book (in the mood disorders chapter) of a girl with what must be a similar look. it makes me wonder if i'll ever get past this - if i'll ever be able to sit up straight with my back & neck straight.
(back to the paper) i'm also curious what i'd do if he gives me negative feedback. i know the paper is crap, but i don't want to look at the stuff again. *crosses fingers* here's hoping for the best...

i didn't get any reading done last night.
with all luck, i'll get some done tomorrow night, but thats not my biggest worry - my biggest problem is keeping myself under wraps enough to not flip out over 'being behind' - and its a conscious, almost constant effort.

i'm toying with the idea of taking classes at other colleges.
it started off with northeastern, as, at least for now, they have shorter sessions, and then harvard extension was suggested to me.
hardard extension looks neat, ans cheap, and its a reasonable walk from my house in the fall and spring. but, both of those sessions border on winter, and committiing to walking to class in winter scares me, while parking at harvard is unreal. bitchbitch, whinewhine, i know.

Comments

[narnee.livejournal.com]

hardard extension looks neat, ans cheap, and its a reasonable walk from my house in the fall and spring.

Their courses are pretty good. My dad recently graduated from it with a certificate in museum studies, and he really enjoyed it.

and committiing to walking to class in winter scares me, while parking at harvard is unreal

They offer parking permits for Extention students that are iirc fairly inexpensive, so you could get one of those and park in the Harvard lots.