can't sleep : (

so i kept lying there, and lying there... and then i remembered that there;s a computer in the room....
just so many thoughts going through my head...
i was debating internally whether i should write them down or if it would be oversharing... and then decided to just fuck it... this is my jounal and i can let it show me and if that leaves me vulnerable then shit happens...
i just wish bill's keyboard didn't suck so hard...
so yeah.. i was laying there... thinking back to an exchange i had with my mom today...
just the day before i had finally told her that bill had moved in here... (which she took rather well)... when she got back from the store today, she pretty much figured out that more then just running late tore my mood to shit, and after a bit of coaxing i told her how i had gotten very hurt & pissed off when bill suggested that i stay an extra day after i had let him know i would be running late...
this was basically something from the conversation the night before - on the scale of missing me vs. enjoying time apart, he was still more on the enjoying time apart stage, and a bit hurt, i asked him if i shuold stay longer, or maybe even wait until he started missing me... over aim he didn't catch the hurt aspect & thought i was wanting to stay longer, and was pretty much trying to get me to destress with the comment of staying longer...
i read it as something else entirely...
i read it as him not giving a shit as to whether or not he gets to see me, which then lead to, in my head, him not caring at all, and which lead to a fight.
...yeah, it wasn't pretty...
so when i told my mom about this her first response was 'you were wrong'... and then she went on to say that she is sure that bill did not mean anything bad, that i had totally overreacted, and that i really need to work on not thinking everyone is out to hurt me...
she put it so bluntly if it was anyone other then her, tobi or kira, i would have been offended.
but it was her, and i took it... and tried to soak it in best as i could and not get defensive...
then she said the statement thats been making me think - she said 'well, its good you're going into therapy soon... i know why you are doing this, and soon you will figure it out'
wha?
that just has me all sorts of confused.
any freudian would go straight to my father and put all the guilt there... but thats not where she would go...
the only person she could possibly relate this to would be my great-aunt, who lived with us for all but one of my teenage years, who, half-meaning it, made the home life of those years hell, and who has a lot of the psychological (and even physiological) problems as me, only worse.
considering my mom's theory on why debbie and i don't get along is that its because i associate debbie with said great-aunt (as she was her nanny) and therefore dislike her by association... but i really don't see how this would apply in this case...
the only other thing my mom could have meant would be the fact that bill & i are living together... but just trying to think about what she could have meant is occupying a part of my attention...
and asking her about it is out of the question for a couple of days... i know if i ask too soon she won't tell me...
something else i'd been thinking about is something that happened almost a week ago now...
i had found gothicauctions.com, and going through it, found a dress that would be perfect for someone that i'm not on particularly good terms with... but for some reason it just really really stuck. feeling like i couldn't do much else, i hinted about it to their boyfriend, but i really doubt that would lead to anything... but i keep going back and thinking maybe i should have emailed them about it... even working through the wording of the damn thing!
*sigh*
and self-censoring sucks, too...
but i won't get into that now, will i?
...it is just odd ground with the parts of lives that intertwine with that of others... writing about bill i feel safer... he's my s/o... we nearly share our entire lives... and i pretty much do my best to only relate things as they concern me and my thoughts vs. documenting his life...
::choosing to skip writing about something thats arguably tmi::
online journalling is weird... i've never kept a real journal before, so this past year and having an online one have been my only experience with them.. and at times, i'm almost addicted to it... like my thoughts aren't fully real until they've gotten written down... and i don't know how healthy that is (though do feel safe - most of the time i don't make it to a keyboard in time, and once school starts i'll be posting less often)...
so yeah...
and i should so be getting to sleep now... its not horribly late yet or anything, but it would be good to get a good night's rest before a day full of chores... i'm just not sleepy enough for some reason : (
well, time to hit the send button onthis anyhow...

~yulia

after being gone for 3 days...

the house is a mess!
...so after finishing up the catching up i am doing over AIM i am going to clean up a bit... then see if i can register my 4th course (though prolly not - i still don'thave my psych grade, and its most likely just going to tell me that i don't have a prereq completed - buti finally got through to a human being at the registrar's office & they said they're trying to get everything in by friday *crosses fingers*), and then go food shopping for the house.
then, if i remember to get the hangers i need, i should be able to clean the goddamned room so it looks more like a bedroom and less then an oversized, messy, closet.. yeah!
i just hope my energy doesn't wane... : )
and then i gotta figure out what to do tonight...
there's manray... and bill asked me if we could go to nashua... and then there's just the staying home thing...
decisions decisions : P
if only life all year round could be full of just these!

~yulia

mid-afternoon check

well, i'm just about all out of steam... and accomplished a lot less then i'd hoped...
i cleaned int he living room and the fridge.. and made enough buckwheat to last me a good three days : )
but didn't get to the store, thus didn't buy hangers, thus didn't clean room...
i think it was the fact that i couldn't find the dustpan thingie that thwarted my progress - and i have no clue where it could be hiding! ..i checked the pantry, the cleaning-stuff cupboard, event he compyuter closet & the back balcony & under the couch (though that was just a mistake. looking under couches is always a mistake.) and its still nowhere to be found!
hrmph!
and now i gotta skip off & go shower so i can at least look half=presentable when bill & moose arrive..
and i still haven't made up my mind about tonight...
its the glampire show, so manray is definately out, which leaves going to nashua or vegging, and i'm kinda torn : )
well, off to soak up the hot water : )

~yulia