just a world of suck

mornings are icky...
and i have a feeling its just going to be one of those days...
i went out last... came back feeling ok... but now am full of doubts...
there was someone there that i don't know, but for some reason or another, i thought not that he was someone else per se, but had done something that someone else did...
and though from having the stuff clarified to me this person is obviously not someone i want much to do with, but its not in the same league as the offense i attributed to them, and now i feel bad...
so adding that on top of the usual insecurities makes for icky feelings in associations with the night..
..then i was having bad dreams throughout the night.. ..mostly to do with the car...
because when i called the mechanic yesterday, the price i ws quoted was $280. for replacing a $22 hose. and somehow the stuff the guy told me just didn't add up...
so i called them really early this morning (i couldn't fall asleep without doing it) and then called my mom to tell her everything.
that ended up not being the best of ideas.
i think what hurt most of all about the whole thing is that i try to take as little money from them as possible. and while i was working my mom would offer me money for car repairs and i didn't take it. but now that i have no savings left, she gives me shit...
and i understand that its possible to live here without having a car... but she also knows how emotionally dependent i am on the car, and that i would put school on hold again to make sure i have a vehicle... but making me feel guilty for that kinda sucked.
*grumble*

twists and turns

...i was thinking back...
...and there's a piece of the puzzle thats just odd...
...when i think back to HS, both in CA and NJ, i remember being depressed... but i don't remember having all these other issues i have now...
the anxiety i can trace... but all the other stuff... the insecurity, the issues with being social, the oversressing...
given that my world was a lot more isloated then... in CA i at least had friends... in NJ it was just me amongst all the tides of the school, not really fitting in with anyone... my life consisted of long distance phone calls and escapes to NYC to wonder around by myself.
maybe somehting went wrong then.. or something...
but i think the bottom line is at this point i'm really not happy with the way i function... i feel like a bland & uninteresting stressball... i just don't really know how to change that... i just know that i wasn't always like this...
..it makes me think back to the trip to london last year... how whole i felt exploring the city and going to the museums...
heh... and then i block out the pain of other circumstances of that trip and all i want is to be in that moment again...
and the sad part is, i know what the first thing to do should be - manage my time efficiently.
do homework in a timely fashion, not sit around & mope, etc...
its just that knowing and doing are so far away right now...
*sigh*
its just not a good morning...
and somehow knowing that things will look brighter later on in the day just doesn't do much...
of course knowing that i'm going to go into negative money doesn't help...

i'm trying to find motivation...

...not to wear jammies to school today.
and its hard!
the only thing that making me doubt it at all is needing to take the T in...
i somehow loathe taking the T to campus... the fact that that takes 1 hour, while driving takes only 10-15 minutes, and doesn't feature being in a semi-small space with lots of strangers.
*grumble*
and i really shouldn't miss this class....
...i just really don't want to get dressed, or feel really silly walking to central sq. and taking the T in my jammies, damnit.
y'know... the only time i've had a car have worse timing then this was when the maxima got a flat 3 hours after it came out of the shop getting a radiator, but even that was after work and didn't take more then that evening to fix...
heh.. actually, the maxima had a wonderful skill of only having major problems while at my parents' house (or ont he way there), not counting the actual death (which was actually the mechanic's fault)
so the time is inching closer and... *whiiiiiiine* i don't wanna take the T!!!