meow

its just a blah morning...
but the good news is that i didn't have bad dreams last night! yay!
though i do really hate fall... september always makes me ponder just why it is i haven't moved to CA yet... and then i remember my family...
*sigh*
speaking of family, i am just..i don't know... i guess i just don't understand why people are deciding to have kids all of a sudden.
at this point i know 3 pregnant people, and its just mind-boggling to me because from my vantage point, they're all in less then ideal situations to have a kid... and i realize i'm probably biased, but, i just think that bringing a kid into the world knowing it may get less then 100% is wrong...
and i just feel like such a jerk writing this becuase i realize that its wrong of me to be making judgements, but its just so on my mind right now... probably because one of the people is in my family and i know that without a miracle the child may put big rifts in the family, and i think there's rifts enough in it already.
*sigh*
that, and i hate being false, and congratulating the mother-to-be is going to be hard...
*grumble*
..its just that i feel really strongly about giving the best to children...

so yeah.. pleasant thoughts for the morning...
i so can't wait for this week to be over!
i so don't want to go to class : (
..i guess its like a pattern - i go to school for a year, and then the second year all i want is a break!
so somehow i've gotta figure out how to trick my head into thinking i've had a break...
because taking another year off would be a bad thing... and i definately can't afford to have any more W's on my record...

but no more bad stuff...
i decided to be silly and check the calendar for next september while fixing the time on the computer, and it looks like bill's bday is on a saturday, and our anniversary is on a monday - which will leave us with the same problem of his bday party being too close to our anniversary again.
i swear its been tempting to change it!
but, if we make it for another couple of years, we can have separate weekends for each : )
well, time to head off to the shower...

fear causes denial...

its so fucking sad.
i have SAD really bad.
but i've been afraird to say it.
because on the one hand, i don't want to be using it as an excuse, and on the other, i am not ready to start fighting it.
the latter partially caused by being afraid of failing.
i had to deal with clinical deppression for 5 years before and i just have horrible memories of fighting it and losing.
but all the signs are here.
i'm constantly tired, i've been going ot bed early but having a harder time falling asleep, my ability to force myself to do the little things like housework and homework has gone down to almost nil, and i've been antisocial... like when i've gone out to the clubs i've felt really uncomfortable and out of place, i haven't really spent time with anyone other then tobi, and its been weeks since i've started (or hell, been able to keep!) a conversation over AIM... i just look over my buddy list and flip windows : (
*sigh*
so admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?
heh.. i went to the safehouse buffy thing last night to try and be social.. and for the most part i failed... and i've been trying so hard not to think about it since : (
its the same thing it was back then - i go from wanting to have someone there to push me along, to take my hand and lead me through all the things i can't bring myself to do, and feeling like shit for wanting/needing someone else, for not being able to do it by myself.
*sigh*
time to head off to class...
(after skipping the first one : ( )