i just woke up...

...was having some sort of disturbing dream, but the memory of it is wiped, and the feelings are almost gone, too, so i guess it all good...

yesterday was an odd day.
ran off to school forgetting to take my pills... on my way home bill called for a ride home from the dentists', but when i got there we ended up needing to stay an extra while because his insurance was being funky.
cuz we were hungry, we ended up going to uno's during the wait... and even though i still realize that we were both really hungry and that shit happens, it sucks to know that my last $20 went to food i didn't even enjoy eating.
because the pizza just wasn't that great, and i've been craving chinese food for like 2 weeks now.
*sigh*
afterwards we got home, and i didn't get to taking my pills till aorund 5-5:30ish... and i think thats what was causing my mood swings last night.
i kept going from bouncy, to mild anxiety/neediness to just feeling down.
i tried to balance it out in my head as best as i could... it just felt so odd.
in the end i got through the day...
and got dressed for manray.

i felt odd about going to manray.
i haven't felt pretty in a while, and i needed the self-affirmation of actually feeling attractive.
so i felt a bit anxious about what to wear, my makeup, etc... i was scared of letting myself down.
thanks to bill's help picking out my outfit, i think i came out okay : )

and the night went okay, too...
it was good to see tobi... i miss her... seeing brendon was on the odd side... mostly due to the fact that through trying to find out how i've been, it seemed like he was almost steering me to bitch. and even thought there are aspects of my life i'm less then happy about, i wasn't in the mood to bitch and i ended up just going off about the mess of the house but it was just awkward...
christoph was there, too, and we got a chance to chat a little, which was good.
i hadn't heard from him since he got married, and seeing me reminded me that with him i can't take those things personally... because with us, that just leads to losing touch for months, and then feeling silly when we do see each other again.
bill had gone with me for the first time in a while, too... him being there just adds to much comfort and safety to my evenings : )

so aside from the fact that i lost the $5 i had brought for helena, which leaves me with that dabt still, and $2 in my wallet for now, i had a god time.
it felt really nice to have people to rotate between that i feel comfortable with, who i don't need to worry if i'm putting out with my presence.

and now i am a little more awake.
time to have my cup of coffee and try to do some homework before class...

well don't i feel like shit...

i have a TuTh 1-2:15 class.
which only gives you 2 unexcused absences per semester.
i was absent once already, when my car was int he shop, but that one counted as excused.
then, last week, i had it all worked out in my head that i need to leave the house at 1 to get to the class on time.
pull into the garage at 1:20, thinking i am early for the class, and then it hits me - it started at 1.
so i went in late and told her i had a doctor's appointment that ran late.
now its the next week, and guess what?
i made the same goddamn stupid mistake!
i'm not going to ocme in a half hour late again.
i will probably go up to her before tuesday and explain that i fucked up.
i just feel so goddamn stupid!

desperation

i have $16 in my bank account.
(well, i also have a check my relatives gave me, but it will take osme days to clear)

but i am getting almost to the point of spending those last few dollars on chinese food.
i have to say i am reaching a new low.
but i feel better cuz i won't let bill buy it for me - he's just as broke as i am this week after being raped by the horrible dental insurance this country has.
i really don't understand why its okay for an insurance company to say that dental work doesn't need to be covered 100% on plans that cover everything but a tiny copay for everything else.

but yeah... a wave from desperation road...
now i just gotta decide if i wanna do this now & alone, or wait for bill to get out of owrk and force him to watch me eat.

semi-productiveness

so i didn't get much homework done today.
feel way too crappy for that.
but, i also realized that i oculdn't let myself crawl under the blankets like i was really wanting to.
so i put some work into the new page i'm working on that is going to replace work in progress, and started writing up my bie - check it out - its still very beta, but opinions would be great : )