Feeling alive

...i don't know how else to call it...
and i haven't felt it in a very long time, but this morning i did.
i got up really early, drove bill to his dentist appointment, and waited int he waiting room for him, as i knew that would be theonly way i would succeed in forcing myself to do homework before class - or at least the amount i had to get done...
and leaving there, when it was still earlier then i am usually up, and getting breakfast with bill, it felt like last fall... and it made me feel alive, and even somewhat happy : )
and it felt so good...

its mostly gone now, and i doubt i'm going to be able to finish all my homework on time, but its remnants have kept me reading, which is good...
and are making me less intimidated by the prospect of having to go up to my professor and explaing how i fucked up last thursday.

and i am really hoping this is going to set a pattern...
i am going to try and get up earlier int he mornings and accomplish more before school starts...
and i am going to try and force myself to do more of my homework...

its funny... talking to c. ont he phone last night, he was telling me that i need to get one of those lamps that seem to help those with SAD, and after i was shirking it in my usual manner, he laughed and said something along the lines of 'yeah, never try telling a depressed person how to help themselves, they'll always come back with a fuck you' and it kinda put things in perspective for me... that i just kinda rejected the idea without looking deep enough into it, and i need to stop that...

well, back to homework now...

midday break

i decided to forgo eating at school today.
i decided a cold sanwich wasn't going to do anything for me, the pizza is just too greasy, and the mashed potatoes did not look appetizing enough, and i've already had one bagel today.
i may very well be regretting this decision later on, as i am stuck here till 6.
and i doubt there'll be a way of ditching out early, as i have a paper due in the class next tuesday (and its a once-a-week course)
the bookstore didn't have the book i need for that class, and subsequently the paper, in stock, so i'm rather anxious coming into class totally unprepared, but at the same rate, i'm not going to allow myself to skip out, no matter how much i want to right now...

in other news, explaining last week's absence to my first professor was much easier then anticipated... she understood, gave me the reading xerox i missed, and off i went, unscathed and having only been in her office for 3 minutes.
nevermind that the mild anxiety i've had since the rise in didn't dissipate - i'm trying really hard to ignore it...

and yesterday was a good evening for the most, part, too...
grocery shopping was done upon picking bill up from work (with starchy tagging along for the meal that was to ensue), and while i was showering bill was cooking the rice for what was a really damn good sushi dinner : )
it was funny, up until scuba got home and polished off the remaining layer of maki ont he plate, it looked like we wouldn't be able to finsih all the sushi made - and thats between 4 people counting in the fact that colleen was invited for some!
yum!
afterwards... well, after failing to drag myself away from the living room until the end of dark angel, i did a bit of reading for class while bill played online in our room, and then we retired to sleep... its nice having another body to warm up the blankets with : )

(from here on, random thoughts ensue, don't expect cohesiveness)
...seeing starchy was nice, i haven't seen much of him since he's gotten back...

bill said something odd today.
i made a comment about feeling like i mother him, and he replied that thats not good because then i'd take on that role with all my boyfriends.
my first reaction was a snicker, because i certainly did mother chris...
but afterwards that comment started unsettling me.
given that i don't expect bill and i to last forever, but he'd always expressed the desire to be with me for some indefinite "long time" and this is the first time that being past our relationship came up.
like we've joked about me getting visitation rights to little girl (his cat) if/when we break up, but nothing like this...
and i know he didn't mean anything by it, and that he loves me very much... its just hard to keep my brain from wanting to read more into that comment.
c'est la vie - hopefully it will pass soon, and if it doesn't i'll ask him about it casually...

and speaking of chris... i chatted with him for the first time in a while the other day, and found out his mother hasn't been doing well... and its made me feel really horrible for not having been in touch with her the past 6 months or so, and just really futile because i so wish there was something i can do, when there really isn't much other then just call her and hope that cheers her up.
and it pisses me off that bad things happen to such good people.
she's just really one of the nicest people i've ever met : /

and gads i don't want to go to my next class...
the fact that its 2.5 hours does not help my motivation one single bit.
and i think my stomach is starting to growl.
i think thats my cue to end this entry : )