just waking up

and i'm not groggy per se.. just not with it yet...
coffee would definately help... especially if i wasn't too lazy to make it...

yesterday sucked.
i figured it out though.
its pms.
its being funky.
before, the two days before my period, i'd get the emotional hell, and i'd bleed, and life is back to normal. yeah, i'd get emotional... but not insane....
now, bill says i start getting moody and more clingy on an escapating level for 3 days, it peaks into borderline madness and then drops. and the blood comes like a week later...
and yeah, the damn peaks have been rough.
luckily for bill, last month's happened mostly in the afternoon, and he got minimal wind of it.
this month... oh boy...
he was having a horrible day, too, so we were setting each other off from like 3pm over AIM to nearly 9pm at home : (
anyone with less devotion wuold've probably ditched me by 7... and i am still incredibly lucky that bill was able to pull through... because the end at 9 was all thanks to him, as he decided that he had to get past his anger and his hurt and comfort me out of my hysterics.
finally by 10 we were ready to leave the house for the damn dinner that i was so stuck on... and he treated me to some sushi! : )
it was really quite yummy... and we had nice soft conversations during the meal.
oh... and during a calmer portion of the evening (it was totally like a rollercoaster ride!) he got me a vinyl catsuit for halloween, too : )
now i get to be a vinyl kittycat : )
of course he's wicked excited about the fact that i said that he could have me on a leash while walking through salem... : )

but hunger is winning out right now... i may or may not write more later...

my body hates me

aka the correlations are frieghtening

*sigh*
so i'm not 100% sure... more like 85% sure... that i have another tumor in my breast.
it was really odd... the place where the scar from the last surgery is has been giving me odd pangs of pain the past couple of days... so this morning, i realized thats its been like 3 months since i did the little 'self test'... and just burst out crying when i felt one...
after a few minutes, i realized that maybe its just me, maybe i'm doing the self fullfilling prophesy thing.
after scrambling for a while as to find another female to check for me (as bill is working till 1am), i went over to loopyhouse...
i don't think lyzz found it... and she did reassure me that there's a chance its just tissue...
basically, i'm where i was before i went there, but just determined to wait until bill can check it out..
*sigh*
its just odd...
my last one popped up sometime late october/early november (htouhg it took 2 months to comeout of the denial enough to see a doctor about it), just as i had decided to take time off school due to mental health reasons and was looking for a job.
the only thing is that i always attributed it to the fact that that time i lost a bit more weight then i should have from being stressed, and this time i'm plumper then ever.
*sigh*
but the good news is that i'm going to be responisble about this one.
i already called my mom, and she dug up the number of the specialist that did the procedure last time, and on monday will schedule me an appointmnet, prolly for some time during the end of the week.
more scars on my breast is just not something i am looking forward to though : /

as to why this entry is friends only?
well, i don't really care who knows what about my life, still, but i also decided that negative vibes thrown my way while i'm this vulnerable isn't the best thing to risk.
i just can't wait till i can see bill tonight...
and hoping i will suceed in forcing myself to clean anyways..