the day has time to improve, right??

argh.
didn't sleep well last night at all... my car alarm was going off yesterday evening for some reason...
at around midnight bill went down to relock the car and make sure the alarm was turned off (it goes off for the slightest vibration if left on) and then it went off around 2 or 3 am, startling both me and bill out of our sleep.
only bill fell back to sleep while my half-awake brain went into this odd loop of being afraid of falling back asleep out of fear that the alarm will startle me again.
it took about a half hour for me to realize that i'd pulled myself into an anxiety attack, and another half hour to realize that trying to fall back asleep without getting some water (i was really thirsty, but didn't want to brave the cold that was outside the blankets) just wasn't working.
i think i fell asleep like 20-30 mins after having gotten up... i always feel so bad when i wake up in the middle of the night, because i hate disturbing bill because of his snoring, but i also can't fall asleep through it : /
this morning my nose got so stuffed up while being awake through bill futzing around that i couldn't go back to sleep, so i got up a bit after 10:30.
first i tried calling the headhunter i've been working with to tell him that i'm going to be available all this week. voice mail. thought i'd give him a little time & went to have breakfast.
the bread was moldy, but at least there was some cereal left, so i had that. tried calling him again and got voice mail again. this time i left a message.
then i called the place on mass ave that i found two weeks ago now, and this time left a message.
*sigh*
still had no word about the second interview from the place in kendall, but as i started writing the HR lady there an email the phone rang & it was the would-be boss there - turns out the HR lady forgot to send me email, but made the arrangment anyways.
i think my hands are still shaking.
i think overall it went okay, though it could have gone better. she mentioned talking to a lot more people, and that is kinda making me worried right now, cuz i think i really want this job : /
*grumble*
so now on my agenda is finding this headhunter guy that called me on friday cuz the email i wrote down for him bounced, but i think that was more of a my bad situation... and then somehow find more places to send my resume to...
*sigh*
i just hope the day gets better then what its been so far...

and hey - for some good things, i am glad to be home... even if i wish it wasn't this bad of a mess... seeing bill was great... it is just incredibly wonderful to be with someone who cares back and knows how to show it... *gleams*
i was thinking about something tobi said about the summer... about how i wanted things a certain way, and if i couldn't get it by banging my head against the wall, then i was ready to quit...
...it made me wish that that period wasn't such a haze within my memory... what i remember is our relarionship having problems... and not being able to get bill to communiate his end of things, while being upset that his unhappyness was preventing him from dealing with the things i thought needed to be fixed. the most vivid memory from that time, though, is thinking back to when we were just flirty friends, and wondering if we had made a mistake moving on from there.
and thats such the incomprehendible thought right now... because now i see that as sweet... as just further proof of his dedication... and am so happy we are where we are right now... (even though we do plan on improving things even more : ) )

and as usual i had other things i wanted to write about, but they've all slipped my mind.
c'est la vie....

what if i don't know how to hold on tight?

i should be ready for all the swings, right?
*sigh*
the morning started off okay, though i seriously wish the interview had gone better.
my biggest problem with it is that i stumbled over words and my accent came out.
the first, for a phone support position... pretty damn bad... even if i dis have the swing factor that i had no clue the call was coming.
the latter is just my own sign that i wasn't in control... i don't care how many people like my accent, to me its still a sign of weakness, and its degrees come and go as such.
the lousy part is is that it gets worse in the winter because its cold, and cold stiffens my jaw muscles, which the accent is the lack of control of anyways.
but hey - at least the ball was rolling, right?
sent my resume to like 5 other places... and then hit a rut.
hitting 'send and recieve' like every 3 minutes; feeling worse and worse every time there was no new mail..
i even had ice cream as a pseudo-meal!
then, as i'm finishing up my ice cream, bill calls... offers to watch virgin suicides with me tonight...
i melted. this is the first time in ages he's initiated us spending time together and its been somewhat of an irritant.... and damnit, i just have a shiteating grin just thinking about it! : )
and as for the movie, i wouldn't have been too intrigued by it, but i've had to read the book for a class, really didn't like it while still being able to appreciate its place on the reading list, and have since been curious to see just what hollywod did with it...
then i call c. and finally get through... i hate leaving voicemail, so this must've been like the 3rd or 4th time i called, but he hadn't answered my last 2 emails so i was wanting to know whats up (and, of course unlike what that horrid voice in my head tells me, he had just been busy). and while on the phone with him, this recruiter guy whose email addy i had wrong called back.
so i have an interview tomorrow for 10am, which makes me feel a lot better.
the only downside that while writing this i got email from him letting me know he likes my resume, but that clients prefer a more standardized format, sending me 2 examples.
i was just rather amused that the resumes he sent m were of people that used to work at stream, where conor worked back in the day...
but, that means that i'll have to reformat my resume tonight, while printing out both versions for tomorrow.
but thats later, i'm in my late-afternoon sleepy-slump... i think its actually caused by my pill cycles, because i do have a longer gap now...

but yeah, so far its just another roller coaster day, making its way though.