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internal turmoil
Nov. 9th, 2000 02:14 pmi am so incredibly sick of rollercoaster emotions.
and i am so incredibly sick of feeling like a loser.
i am also sick of being unemployed, and of driving away people i like and love...
i wish i could just snap out of it....
and i don't even know how to begin...
its funny, before it seemed like it ws just chemical imbalances - everything in my life was going more or less on track.
maybe the 'down' look is setting in too much, but now it seems like i've given myself a lot more reason to be depressed.
and then there's this near paralyzing fear of failure. it just covers me with this cloud of anxiety... makes me think of how fucked up my life must be that i've gone 21 years without anything to strive for and am learning fear of failure for the first time now...
and i don't want to cry anymore.
bill and i had a bit of a collision last night.
he was in a bad mood, and it spilled over to me, and we both said some things out of anger, only as the rule of thumb goes, there's a portion of truth to things said in anger, so we need to at some point sit down and talk it out.
and the fact that we haven't scares me, because i feel a distance between us now, and i think he feels it too...
and the fact that our schedule is a bit hectic is wighing on me. its like until we set at leats set a time to talk about it, there's this internal ticking of 'somehting isn't right and i am afraid it won't be fixed' that i can't shut up...
also went to manray last night.
it was strange... i was afraid of feeling anxious and out of place.. i didn't... but throught he night i felt more and more emotional and like a failure....
i had a talk with max that i think will really help me, and the house situation, out... i owe him a lot of thanks, and that'll prolly only accumilate with time...
hell, i think i owe anyone that still talks to me a lot of thanks...
also found a potential roomate, which relieves a bunch of stress that was associated with that....
now if only i had the job thing worked out... i know it will make everything so much better once thats out of the way...
at the moment, i'm fighting the discouragement of the lack of interviews. and again, i feel like i can't really call places because after tomorrow iwon't be available till either wednesday or thursday
*sigh*
at least i did some work for one of chris' projects today... just doing work related stuff made me feel better.... and the $$ should be a relief, too : )
well, time to move on to more productibe things...
and i am so incredibly sick of feeling like a loser.
i am also sick of being unemployed, and of driving away people i like and love...
i wish i could just snap out of it....
and i don't even know how to begin...
its funny, before it seemed like it ws just chemical imbalances - everything in my life was going more or less on track.
maybe the 'down' look is setting in too much, but now it seems like i've given myself a lot more reason to be depressed.
and then there's this near paralyzing fear of failure. it just covers me with this cloud of anxiety... makes me think of how fucked up my life must be that i've gone 21 years without anything to strive for and am learning fear of failure for the first time now...
and i don't want to cry anymore.
bill and i had a bit of a collision last night.
he was in a bad mood, and it spilled over to me, and we both said some things out of anger, only as the rule of thumb goes, there's a portion of truth to things said in anger, so we need to at some point sit down and talk it out.
and the fact that we haven't scares me, because i feel a distance between us now, and i think he feels it too...
and the fact that our schedule is a bit hectic is wighing on me. its like until we set at leats set a time to talk about it, there's this internal ticking of 'somehting isn't right and i am afraid it won't be fixed' that i can't shut up...
also went to manray last night.
it was strange... i was afraid of feeling anxious and out of place.. i didn't... but throught he night i felt more and more emotional and like a failure....
i had a talk with max that i think will really help me, and the house situation, out... i owe him a lot of thanks, and that'll prolly only accumilate with time...
hell, i think i owe anyone that still talks to me a lot of thanks...
also found a potential roomate, which relieves a bunch of stress that was associated with that....
now if only i had the job thing worked out... i know it will make everything so much better once thats out of the way...
at the moment, i'm fighting the discouragement of the lack of interviews. and again, i feel like i can't really call places because after tomorrow iwon't be available till either wednesday or thursday
*sigh*
at least i did some work for one of chris' projects today... just doing work related stuff made me feel better.... and the $$ should be a relief, too : )
well, time to move on to more productibe things...
