just walking in the door...

and i don't feel like being home.
don't have any clue where i want to be though...
its been another odd day...
i did my best to leave bill be for a while when he first got home... but when it came to the time we were going to spend together he was bouncy and restless and i was still in the 'i need tenderness' mode... i did my best to hide my dispaointment, and i think i did a lot better then i have in a while - but it could be just me...
the k. came over. they claim i met her at manray once, but i just don't remember.. she was different from what i expected, but cool..
we hung for a bit, and then they took off... it felt a little awkward to not have been invited along, but nothing that isn't totally negated by logic.
after they left i decided that i totally didn';t want to spend the evening at home.
noone here wanted to go out, so i called ed & jon & chris's house to see if any of them were up to anything, and to my luck, ed & jon were...
after i picked them up we went to the someday cafe and chatted for a bit... its nice getting to sit down with them, its been a long while... saw meaghan briefly, too.
then we decided to head over to diesel... see what was going on and such.
it was odd for me... i felt really bare & vulnerable... but it turned out to be okay : )
people were nice and stuff : )
after a bit, though, ed decided she wanted to go home, as she has to be up early in the morning... dropping them off, though, i realized i didn't want to be home yet, still.
had a big ass internal debate heading back to diesel.
on the one hand, i didn't want to go home yte, on the other, i felt awkward going back.
in the end, it was a good thing i went back, as the first time there i totally didn't see sharon & this way i got to see her & stuff...

and now i am home, kinda anxious... getting sleepy, too...
tomorrow is hell night, and i'm kinda looking forward to it, though i have no clue what i'm going to wear.
i do hope it will be a good night...
bill said tessa might come out with us, but i somehow have the feeling she's going to flake out on us again...
either way, i hope to have fun...
and put off thoughts of sunday more effectively then i have been tonight..
*shudder*

(no subject)

ugh.
i hate waiting up.
it makes me feel all tense and worried when i know i shouldn't be.
he's just a bit over half hour late... and he's not the one driving...
i just know that if i try to go to bed i'll either not be able to fall asleep, or be that much more hurt/angry when i wake up.
i keep telling myself that everything is fine... they're just out for drinks, and k. has a friend working at the place, so its prolly just her waiting for her friend to get off shift... but in the back of my head are horrible memories of waiting up till down, paging & not getting called back and then excuses in the (late) morning.
and thats not fair to bill.
in an ideal world, past scars shouldn't open up.
with a saner yulia, past scars wouldn't be so quick to open for someone who has been so good to me...
why can't emotions have an off button???

silly or just pathetic?

he be back...
me feel much better now : )