(no subject)

over the past few years, after new year, i like to write out a reflection on changes in me and my life over the past year...
i haven't done this yet...
i look back, and see lots of haze. and i don't know if i lived the year in a way that builds haze, or if the haze is there as a defense mechanism.
i tried reading back from entries from the first month of last year, and most of them had a very negative tone... and i can't quite 'put myself back there' - stumbling into both memory and emotional walls. i don't even remember dropping the college courses i was supposed to take : /
but, i can also think back to the past couple of months, and i see myself starting to grow a bit more, and that makes me feel like i'm not doing so bad after all... i think i am doing a bit better at being at peace with myself - starting to work on issues more actively, succeeding in spending my time in ways that don't cause me to be unhappy at the end of each day as well as shutting up the voice that tells me i'm a failure if i am not 'productive enough' on a particular day. i have been able to recognize aspects in my life that are lacking, and sit back with the thought that maybe it is not yet time to have those voids filled - that the cosmos will give me what i need/want when the time is right (which is not to say that i'm waiting & twiddling my thumbs).
on some levels, growing up scares me.
i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.
i resent the fact that i need to view people as adults as well as people...
i feel like a little kid trying to walk in a oversized shoes a lot.
and i hope that this is a stage that will pass soon, as i feel very daunted by uncertainty.

on positive notes, though, i have three trips i am looking forward to right now, four even, if i count beltaine : )
i so love to travel, to experience different ways of life - even if its something as simple as camping. one of the things i miss the most about being in school is the amount of off-time. of course, the trade off then was always that i was too broke to travel due to classes. (this is the point where i am tempted to go into teaching simpl for the vacation perks, and remember that it'd prolly be disastarous).

and i think thats it for me for now..
restatement of book request: i leave for jamaica butt early Thursday morning, and was wondering if any of you have, and are willing to effectively loan me:
-trainspotting or acid house by irvine welsh (jedi?)
-fight club by chuck palahniuk
-do androids dream of electric sheep? by phillip k. dick

are there any other books that you think i should read & can get to me?

okay, so the test site sucks...

...i was hoping that when i closed the quiz it would show everyone the answers, but instead, it wiped it (and the stats and scores) like it never existed : (

so, to the best of my recollection (of what the questions were)

• i was born in moscow, russia
  
• i went to three high schools
  
• i moved to boston four (and a half) years ago
  
• i have two roomates
  
• the saab set itself on fire
  
• i have not been to tuscon, az (my family made a stop in des moines, iowa on our trek from CA to NJ)
  
• i have not seen CdS in boston (though i had tickets to see dralion here, i ended up being on a cruise - i saw alegria in santa monica, quidam in NY and dralion in montreal)
  
• i went on my first date when i was 18 (though *when* has been under debate : ) )
  
• my first concert was depeche mode
  
• there are 11 letters in my last name
  

i honestly didn't think the questions were that hard...(aside from the HS one - i knew most people wouldn't know that, and the dating one, as i'd just realized that earlier that day : ) )