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two years ago tomorrow i wrote long entries about the long weekend i was having. one of the reasons i'm glad i keep this is because rereading that brings back some of the details. i don't remember who bill's third friend was, but i'd guess it was lloyd. and i definitely remember getting spud's present at the mall, seeing beej, and how flustered i was there. and i remember the d&d outing.
a year ago tomorrow i kinda kissed and told... but its ok - when you kiss someone new for the first time in over 2 years, i think you're entitled, right? come to think of it, in the past 4 years, i've only kissed 3 people i hadn't kissed before (though by a margin of a few days. if this were to be this time last week, it'd be 4... and checking on that sure sent me on a funky trip down memory lane).
and overall, i don't know how to feel about that.
when i was in california, a part of me was thinking that the walls i've made for myself are too rigid. that i'm not letting myself have the fun of youth. but the walls are there. i can certainly pinpoint their foundation... i just can't tell how much is truly brainwashing and how much of it was truth
amusingly enough, zak never wrote back to that email. no. he did. and then i sent one that was slightly poking, and then he never wrote back. either way, this last visit to CA was the first time we were within 400 miles of each other and didn't make any contact... the first time being within 100 miles (probably) and not seeing each other. and its all good. i can remember that look he gave me at the sushi restaurant when i pulled up my hair - how i needed it both as confirmation and closure, and i'm ok with the fact that it may be 5 years or so before we make contact again.
i haven't checked up on the lust-interest in a long time. although laura said she heard he's still with his high school sweetheart.
i tried emailing my first cuddle buddy, to no fruition.
i found my first crush's family's web site within the last month, and decided its not worth it to email him. i don't want to explain who i am now to him.

roma came by for dinner tonight.
he brought a bottle of wine, and that really warmed my heart. i really miss casual drinking - it was always such a part of "home" for me.
of course the boy couldn't keep his mouth shut about how dinner should be cooked. i asked him how many drivers should be in a car and he said "two. one to drive, and one to sit in the back seat and make sure everything is going alright" *snicker* but, at least he said it was yummy in the end.
and he's one of two people who gets why i found my current computer setup to be somewhat disturbing, and its nice to have that be shared.
we also made noises about going to russia together in may. i would travel as his girlfriend, which would make his father happy, and i'd very likely end up with a free or almost free place to stay. we'll see how things end up panning out.
speaking of roma, he sent me a picture from the salsa dancing excursion ( if you want to see )

this weekend was good.
friday, i went to MR. the signal to noise ratio was low, but i needed to have an evening out, and thats exactly what i got. came home and spent some time talking to

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tis the season

woke up anxious. tried to browbeat it out of myself, and its still coming and going in waves.
at least i think i had decent dreams last night - the 'i'm late to / missing work' dreams from the night before were not fun.

i'm still feeling very raw and vulnerable after last night.
i guess if nothing else, Saturday night was climactic. and it sucks that its so hard to keep in mind that it was actually a good night.

the first memories that hit me powerfully this morning were that of stumbling around london during the days after a personal earthquake. it helped me remember that i did that, and i pulled through with an amazing lust for life and desire to reclaim living. that last bit is something i felt sorely missing after the last breakup. but maybe its also where i put myself last night, and hopefully the result will be something similar.
i just don't know how much of this is here because of seasonal stuff and how much is "real", or whether such a distinction changes anything. but i am at the point where all i really want is to fast-forward to march. there's stuff i want to do, stuff that should be fun, but i can't seem to look forward to anything except for march. *sigh*
and i keep trying to think of something positive to write and failing. i absolutely hate being a wreck like this.