tis the season

[elvendoll]

woke up anxious. tried to browbeat it out of myself, and its still coming and going in waves.
at least i think i had decent dreams last night - the 'i'm late to / missing work' dreams from the night before were not fun.

i'm still feeling very raw and vulnerable after last night.
i guess if nothing else, Saturday night was climactic. and it sucks that its so hard to keep in mind that it was actually a good night.

the first memories that hit me powerfully this morning were that of stumbling around london during the days after a personal earthquake. it helped me remember that i did that, and i pulled through with an amazing lust for life and desire to reclaim living. that last bit is something i felt sorely missing after the last breakup. but maybe its also where i put myself last night, and hopefully the result will be something similar.
i just don't know how much of this is here because of seasonal stuff and how much is "real", or whether such a distinction changes anything. but i am at the point where all i really want is to fast-forward to march. there's stuff i want to do, stuff that should be fun, but i can't seem to look forward to anything except for march. *sigh*
and i keep trying to think of something positive to write and failing. i absolutely hate being a wreck like this.

Comments

[aisling.livejournal.com]

*nodnodnod* I understand. And, we all hate times when we're a wreck, but it's part of living. Admitting to it honestly is a massive demonstration of courage, and eagerness to change & grow.

You're in an introspection phase. And many of us are going through h-u-g-e changes, not all of them comfortable.

You are doing an amazing job of facing life, looking it straight in the eye, and moving forward despite obstacles and--if you're like me--an almost overwhelming urge to climb into bed and choose hibernation for the rest of the winter! *grin and sigh*

Ah, if you knew how many times in the past week I've looked at the keyboard through watery eyes and realized that I'm a wreck...! *sigh*

It's part of the process. Without the times of being a wreck, there would be no times of soaring. I choose vivid living, with all its perils, rather than sedate and even days & nights in which nothing of interest happens or challenges me.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

You're in an introspection phase. And many of us are going through h-u-g-e changes, not all of them comfortable.

and its so tempting to run away from all the thoughts.
they lead to anxiety... and considering my chemical state right now, i am very scared of trusting them, along with the fears i'd mentioned before.

Ah, if you knew how many times in the past week I've looked at the keyboard through watery eyes and realized that I'm a wreck...! *sigh*

*hugs*
please IM or email me if you'd like to talk with more detail then what has been going into your LJ lately...

It's part of the process. Without the times of being a wreck, there would be no times of soaring.

thank you, i needed this : )
its almost tempting to print it out and glue it to my forehead.

[aisling.livejournal.com]

*nodnod* If the thoughts are too much for you right now, it's probably a cue that you need to put them aside for the moment. Take another look when you've had just a little time to rest and recover your energy.

And, thanks SO much for the kind offer of IM, etc. So far, I'm venting pretty well (and perhaps redundantly? *blush and grin*) in LJ. And a mutual friend--someone I met through HT--is listening to me right now, in email and IM. He's a good sounding board during this process because he knows HT so well.

But, I really and truly appreciate the offer, and... I'm here for you if you need to talk, too, okay? *hugs*

You are going to be fine. Sometimes, assorted bandaids--including chemicals--are necessary to protect the mental bruises and the emotional equivalent of a skinned knee. Once the healing is underway, we can get back to normal life again, stronger and with a clearer sense of direction.

So far, everything that you're saying is honest and good--and raw, of course, but that's part of the process. Keep growing. This isn't an easy time, but it sounds as if you're moving in a very healthy direction as you sort out what's important and valid for you.

*very biggest hugs*