(no subject)

( what i wrote yesterday and never posted )

today, i'm feeling off.
i think i slept oddly, and woke up oddly and am rather stressed today.

actually, i'm really stressed now.
my mom had found a tumor sometime last week, and it seems that the mammogram results say its likely to be malignant. this makes me want to implode on a number of levels... and it always seems inappropriate for other things to exist at times like this.
but they do.
my grandparents are putting me into an awkward loop about January vacation. and i know they don't mean to make me feel exceedingly awkward, but they do.
i'm workstressed - which just leaves me spinning my wheels more often usual, and i'm stressed about writing the paper this weekend.
mostly, i just want to implode.

more family stuff

i've always considered myself to be an only child.

the basic explanation is that by the time debbie was born, i was 12 and happy to have my parents' attention be distracted from me, and was never too involved in her upbringing.

what i'm realizing today is that debbie, and abi, are growing up in a family that just isn't the same as the family i grew up with.
i spent the first 10 years of my life (minus 1) living with my mom, grandparents and great grandmother. my mother was rarely around, and i fluctuated between wanting affection from her and resenting her - leaning more towards the latter.
my grandfather was rarely around, but we always got along. my grandmother coddled me; i loved her but was aware she was spoiling me. my grandmother and i had a tumultuous relationship - her trying to be controlling, me not listening, us having a fight and not speaking to each other for what'd usually be a week but lasted almost 3 months once. and then the cycle would start again.

when we moved to america, i resented my mother as an authority figure. my stepdad was told to butt out of my life... my greataunt moved in with us and over time, i gre to hate her. and my grandparents did come to the states until i was 16, and i wasn't much of a child anymore.

my sisters have a different family.
they have a full time mother and father.
they have grandparents, who babysit them, but don't become full-time caretakers, and they don't have changes in the hierarchy of caretakers.
and that's just not how i grew up.