(no subject)

[elvendoll]

yesterday was definitely rough... and at times, the sleep dep was making class feel very surreal - my vision would distort, widen the classroom, and i felt like there was 'the rest of the casino' behind me. yeah.

i didn't get home until nearly 10, decided that i needed some sustenance and made ramen. gaelen, et al, came in and i spent some time trying to be coherent with them - but still made it to bed before 11:15.
it took a surprising amount of time to fall asleep, as my brain started whirring from some of the weekend memories and some disturbing childhood memories, and it took effort to calm it down.
the kitty didn't seem to be mad at me (thank you zerokey for keeping her alive and well for me!), and although she wandered in and out a couple of times, she spent most of the night cuddled up to me.
overnight, i had las vegas dreams. everything was big, somewhat surreal, fake, and the things that seemed interesting at first presented themselves as not worth the (monetary or not) price on closer inspection. which isn't really a summation of my trip itself at all, just how the dream put it. i don't remember much details, just remember wandering through various huge/fake halls with miscellaneous people, being caught by things, approaching them and then losing interest.
i woke up a few times during the night, but i actually usually like that. waking up before i have to be up reminds me that i'm comfy and resting, and should go back to that; last night, i'd wake up, note the down blankets and the kitty, and go back to sleep.
and at the end of it all, i still don't feel like i'm caught up yet... with all luck, that'll happen tonight.

oh, and i got my second paper back yesterday. i got an a/a-, which is still less then a solid A, but there also wasn't this overwhelming slew of comments, so i'm pretty happy with it. if i manage to get an A on the 10 page paper (to be written this weekend) and read the book and write a summary of it for the class i'll be missing, i might have a shot at an a- in the class - which, while still less then ideal, is much more then i've been expecting from this professor.


today, i'm feeling off.
i think i slept oddly, and woke up oddly and am rather stressed today.

actually, i'm really stressed now.
my mom had found a tumor sometime last week, and it seems that the mammogram results say its likely to be malignant. this makes me want to implode on a number of levels... and it always seems inappropriate for other things to exist at times like this.
but they do.
my grandparents are putting me into an awkward loop about January vacation. and i know they don't mean to make me feel exceedingly awkward, but they do.
i'm workstressed - which just leaves me spinning my wheels more often usual, and i'm stressed about writing the paper this weekend.
mostly, i just want to implode.

Comments

[autumnsshadow.livejournal.com]

I hope you don't implode.
*HUG*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

thank you.

[newbodvie.livejournal.com]

Don't implode. Try to focus on the things that need immediate attention and let the others hold on a bit. I would imagine the first thing you need is to get rested up. Sorry to hear about your mom's tumor. However, you don't know yet one way or the other on the malignancy, so focusing on that right now is going to be fruitless.

BTW ~ an a/a- is not something to just be accepted. You should be proud of that!

REST, REST, REST. *HUGS*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

However, you don't know yet one way or the other on the malignancy, so focusing on that right now is going to be fruitless.

*nods*
its just hard...
mine were benign, and they told me right away that i had 90%+ odds of them being benign. it was still scary, but there were medical facts to temper it.
with this...
and my mom is the pillar of the family; essentially, she has 4 dependents and a husband who doesn't know how to help in the right way on his best days. she's been cracking very slowly over the past couple of years, and i can't imagine what could happen if things fall apart.

an a/a- is not something to just be accepted. You should be proud of that!

i'd be proud of an A. an a/a- isn't good enough, because even a B+ in the class will lower my major and cumulative GPAs

and yeah, i need to rest.
at this point, i'll feel shitty if i skip yoga, and shitty if i drop work to go to yoga : /

[developer.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your mom. Having just been through the whole (I still can't say or type this word easily) cancer thing with my own mother, I know how stressful and infuriating it all can be. Normal life problems still come up, but they seem so petty and irritating.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

thank you.

i'm sorry that you've been going through that

[xevb3k.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. It seems like cancer runs in your family. I remember when my mom first got breast cancer. The emotional aspects were hard enough, but taking care of her was just as difficult. I certainly hope that you don't have to go through what I've gone through. It's scary. I'm still afraid that I could get cancer like she did.

*hugs*