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Oct. 30th, 2002 02:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli can't tell if its pms or sad... but i've been very close to crying over the past few days.
i have an odd history with crying. when i was 5 or 6, i decided that crying 'in public' was very shameful and between then and my 10th birthday, i was only seen crying once - and that was when i decided that crying would put the quickest end to a (physical) "fight" i was in.
i remember one time when i got into a fight with my neighborhood nemesis she pinned me against the building and kicked my shin for what must've been like 15 minutes (my whole shin was one big bruise for well over a week afterwards) and i just stood there, knowing that i couldn't break free and determined not to cry.
and considering i didn't have my own bedroom for most of my childhood, not crying 'in public' pretty much meant not crying at all.
when we moved to america, i saw the move as the death of everything that my life was before, and had a very hard time not crying when seeing reminders of the past or just letting my mind wander, and i'm pretty sure my family members saw me cry a lot through that period.
within two years of that, though, i was back to not crying. the one exception to that was one day in seventh grade, when i forgot my lunch at home, and my great-aunt, who doesn't speak english, was coming to bring it to me to school. only she was late, and then i realized that i'd messed up in the directions i gave her, and potentially sent her wandering around town, lost, and without a way to find me or home. i was afraid to leave school and possibly miss her, or to not leave school and have her be lost. (she figured out she was heading the wrong way 10 mins after making the wrong turn, and used broken german to get directions).
all through high school, i almost couldn't cry, especially not for myself.
i'd read depressing books or watch depressing movies that would get me to cry just so i could get that release.
since then, its been coming or going... and most times i've cried have been anxiety-induced hysterics - the kind when i'm barely able to breathe, and need cold water just to force myself to break out of it.
but, over the past two days, i've been on the verge of tears, but not hysterics-crying. its triggered by the smallest things, things that aren't personally upsetting. i'm not really sure what to do with that.
yesterday was a semi-productive day.
got home, cooked up rice with veggies, went to costco, came back from costco and ate, drove to & from davis and watched blue.
and yeah, there were pauses, but none of them were too long.
i was dead sleepy-tired from about 8pm on and there's no good reason why.
watching blue, i was struggling both not to cry and not to fall asleep, and ended up going to bed around midnight.
i still haven't heard back from my professor, still need to go through the PP slide for week 6 and do the writing on blue. update: actually, he wrote back. and i got an A, with some very helpful criticism *bounce* considering that i plan to do all "discussion topics", that means 60% of my grade is an A
if i get that done tonight, i may see if i can get week 7 done this week, too, but, i also need to get my computer upstairs and situated and hopefully have some none-chore-related fun.
i have an odd history with crying. when i was 5 or 6, i decided that crying 'in public' was very shameful and between then and my 10th birthday, i was only seen crying once - and that was when i decided that crying would put the quickest end to a (physical) "fight" i was in.
i remember one time when i got into a fight with my neighborhood nemesis she pinned me against the building and kicked my shin for what must've been like 15 minutes (my whole shin was one big bruise for well over a week afterwards) and i just stood there, knowing that i couldn't break free and determined not to cry.
and considering i didn't have my own bedroom for most of my childhood, not crying 'in public' pretty much meant not crying at all.
when we moved to america, i saw the move as the death of everything that my life was before, and had a very hard time not crying when seeing reminders of the past or just letting my mind wander, and i'm pretty sure my family members saw me cry a lot through that period.
within two years of that, though, i was back to not crying. the one exception to that was one day in seventh grade, when i forgot my lunch at home, and my great-aunt, who doesn't speak english, was coming to bring it to me to school. only she was late, and then i realized that i'd messed up in the directions i gave her, and potentially sent her wandering around town, lost, and without a way to find me or home. i was afraid to leave school and possibly miss her, or to not leave school and have her be lost. (she figured out she was heading the wrong way 10 mins after making the wrong turn, and used broken german to get directions).
all through high school, i almost couldn't cry, especially not for myself.
i'd read depressing books or watch depressing movies that would get me to cry just so i could get that release.
since then, its been coming or going... and most times i've cried have been anxiety-induced hysterics - the kind when i'm barely able to breathe, and need cold water just to force myself to break out of it.
but, over the past two days, i've been on the verge of tears, but not hysterics-crying. its triggered by the smallest things, things that aren't personally upsetting. i'm not really sure what to do with that.
yesterday was a semi-productive day.
got home, cooked up rice with veggies, went to costco, came back from costco and ate, drove to & from davis and watched blue.
and yeah, there were pauses, but none of them were too long.
i was dead sleepy-tired from about 8pm on and there's no good reason why.
watching blue, i was struggling both not to cry and not to fall asleep, and ended up going to bed around midnight.
i still haven't heard back from my professor, still need to go through the PP slide for week 6 and do the writing on blue. update: actually, he wrote back. and i got an A, with some very helpful criticism *bounce* considering that i plan to do all "discussion topics", that means 60% of my grade is an A
if i get that done tonight, i may see if i can get week 7 done this week, too, but, i also need to get my computer upstairs and situated and hopefully have some none-chore-related fun.
