(no subject)
Nov. 1st, 2002 02:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollemotionally, i am dealing better today.
i'm not letting myself think about it.
its there, in the background, as my subconscious chews it down and incorporates it into "life". and that's how my mom was phrasing it, "life".
i spent more time talking to her last night... i meant to call and just talk, but broke down in tears as soon as she picked up the phone. i really didn't want to add to her stress : /
she kept telling me that this is life, that we should try and not think about it till the specialist appointment next Friday, and concentrate on the fact that he's still got his wits about him.
she told me to come visit more often, and when i said that i don't think i could, she realized what she'd said and just told me to keep coming regularly, spending time there.
i'm also going to see about going on vacation with them again this year.
she got me onto other topics, distracted, talked about abi.
she didn't show signs of not dealing, but then started saying how she hasn't been able to stop eating. that she tells herself every hour that she'll go back onto her diet now, and then keeps eating. she said they got no trick or treaters, and she's going to eat all the kitkats she got them. i wish i had a way of helping her.
talked to other people last night, too. being alone was bad.
he was by, moving stuff in. i felt really bad for being so useless, but i just couldn't concentrate/function well at all.
now, my room is an utter mess. i'm not going to deal with it till Saturday afternoon, and it ain't going to be fun. all in all, i just hope to get through the next month as quietly as possible. in theory, i've got lots of stuff to look forward to, but they're just not hitting me yet. in a lot of ways, i'm feeling torn between feeling like i'm somehow not wanted everywhere and wanting to hide away from everyone else. but that's classic sad, ain't it?
the travel bug is hitting me again.
the trip with my grandparents prolly can't be confirmed/booked until after my grandfather's surgery in mid-december, which puts a part of me on edge, but all considering, its not anything to spend time concentrating on. then i found this. i really want it. hopefully she can/will go with me. like she said - travel buddies are hard to find.
and it looks like i'm coming down with a cold.
really not thrilled about this.
with all luck, i can make it through tonight without disapointing myself or those around me...
i'm not letting myself think about it.
its there, in the background, as my subconscious chews it down and incorporates it into "life". and that's how my mom was phrasing it, "life".
i spent more time talking to her last night... i meant to call and just talk, but broke down in tears as soon as she picked up the phone. i really didn't want to add to her stress : /
she kept telling me that this is life, that we should try and not think about it till the specialist appointment next Friday, and concentrate on the fact that he's still got his wits about him.
she told me to come visit more often, and when i said that i don't think i could, she realized what she'd said and just told me to keep coming regularly, spending time there.
i'm also going to see about going on vacation with them again this year.
she got me onto other topics, distracted, talked about abi.
she didn't show signs of not dealing, but then started saying how she hasn't been able to stop eating. that she tells herself every hour that she'll go back onto her diet now, and then keeps eating. she said they got no trick or treaters, and she's going to eat all the kitkats she got them. i wish i had a way of helping her.
talked to other people last night, too. being alone was bad.
he was by, moving stuff in. i felt really bad for being so useless, but i just couldn't concentrate/function well at all.
now, my room is an utter mess. i'm not going to deal with it till Saturday afternoon, and it ain't going to be fun. all in all, i just hope to get through the next month as quietly as possible. in theory, i've got lots of stuff to look forward to, but they're just not hitting me yet. in a lot of ways, i'm feeling torn between feeling like i'm somehow not wanted everywhere and wanting to hide away from everyone else. but that's classic sad, ain't it?
the travel bug is hitting me again.
the trip with my grandparents prolly can't be confirmed/booked until after my grandfather's surgery in mid-december, which puts a part of me on edge, but all considering, its not anything to spend time concentrating on. then i found this. i really want it. hopefully she can/will go with me. like she said - travel buddies are hard to find.
and it looks like i'm coming down with a cold.
really not thrilled about this.
with all luck, i can make it through tonight without disapointing myself or those around me...
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no subject
Date: 2002-11-01 11:24 pm (UTC)was your mom always a compulsive eater (hence the dieting) or is this something new (post-baby dieting) ??
if this is a new thing - that's obviously her (unhealthy) way of dealing with things - and not much besides a covert sort of intervention involving cheesy but insightful self-help literature can be done on your part.
my mom does this regularly. it's really sad how many women have escapist ways of dealing with stress or grief...
blarg.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-02 04:45 pm (UTC)in a way, i think the overeating for her is like cutting can be for others - a "valid" and "easy" reason for the negative feelings.
unfortunately, leon usually makes it worse by piping in about how she should stop eating and not gain weight. i'm kinda hoping he's being nicer right now, all considering...
no subject
Date: 2002-11-02 06:21 pm (UTC)overeating/binging/dieting/compulsive eating... these are all control mechanisms. when one part of life is out of control - people who do this to themselves usually do it because it is the one thing they are completely in control of - their bodies (well... for the most part). and it's really sad how conditioned some people are about food that they cannot think of it as a means of nourishment - but instead, it is emotional escape, a stress reliever, a noose... shite.
blah... enough about this. im going to have dinner!
no subject
Date: 2002-11-02 06:32 pm (UTC)if society didn't make such a big deal out of weight, i'd imagine a lot less people would consider dieting/binging as a means of "control"
on the flip side of that, after starting to eat more "health consciously" i'm starting to think of food in terms of what it does vs. what it is or what it tastes like - like "i need to eat something with protein" or "i need vitamins", etc., which, while i doubt is unhealthy, is still a warped way of eating at food.
i also saw some thing on TV that said that a study showed that out of the 60% of the times "americans" think they're hungry, they're actually thirsty and misinterpret the signals their body is sending.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-02 09:36 pm (UTC)the hunger/thirst thing is really true too. i actually heard this a while ago and have been trying to adhere to drinking enough water so i'm not eating just because its lunchtime... learning to listen to my body about what it needs/wants and when its hungry. hehe. its an amazing thing.
love
k