(no subject)
Nov. 14th, 2002 12:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollsometimes, its all about the right responses.
chatted to her last night after getting home from the club, a slight buzz kicking in.
of everyone in the world, she's the person my guard is the most down for. i feel like i am beyond judgment with her and talking to her, parts of me come out that hide in front of other people. and it was really good to talk to her last night, and she didn't mind me monopolizing the conversation.
it makes me angry, too. because i wish i could be like that with other people. to just be able to talk to someone.
and then chatting to kristine. getting the right suggestions, the right questions, the right everything in response. making me realize that no matter how much something needs to be said, if it isn't said to the right person, its like not saying anything at all.
yesterday, i was thinking of meaningful things other people's moms have told me.
like the time her mom told me that we are never free. it resonated then and it resonates now and i think i really needed to hear it when she told me. or when k.'s mom told me that i need to force myself to do two things i don't want to do every day, and with time, it'll make my life a lot easier. gads how i wish i had listened to that latter bit back in high school.
i had also looked up three freaks whose names i'd remembered from HS, to see them not listed as alumni. it really saddened me to see that they, too, had been pushed out. that school is eerily notorious for that. in a semi affluent neighborhood, a class that started out with 200+ people graduated with 161. i wonder how that compares to the national statistic.
last night. lessee... plans with him fell through, so i stopped by star on the way home, picked up a yellow squash (that the register guy charged as a loose potato!) and a cucumber (i meant to grab a zucchini. go me for fucking up the stupidest things possible), some canned veggies and pasta sauce, came home and made pasta with veggies. it came out yummy, imho, and there's enough leftovers for me to stay good about not eating out.
did the writeup for casablanca but did not rent/watch ghost dog yet. should do that tonight. then, in the next week, there's a choice of american beauty or american graffiti (i'm tempted to pick the latter just because i haven't seen it yet) and mulholland drive or pulp fiction (that choice will be a tough one). the reading with the latter choice is antonin artaud *glee* i really love it when school makes me read things i want to read anyways. the homework i will have to do is kind of intimidating, but i think if i get everything up to that point done before SD, i can hope to do most of the intimidating stuff on the flights to and fro, and then have almost two weeks to polish it up and write the final essay. yeah.
after finishing up the homework, i spent a bit more time putzing around and then showered and went to the club.
overall, it was a good night, though i kept being surprised by how empty it was. i wasn't feeling overly talkative, but felt less-then-usually-awkward about not feeling talkative, which is a good thing.
for some reason, the lack of people made me feel to intimidated/unmotivated to dance, even though there were a few really good songs played. not quite sure what to think of that.
and i got home and got a little buzzy because his brother insisted drinks should be had at last call.
he wrote "We are prisoners of our own inability to act." and it strikes deeper then i want to go right now.
its deceptively sunny out. this will be good up until the point when i leave the building for lunch. then, reality will hit and anger me again. i have a hard time understanding people who('d) miss the seasons changing.
chatted to her last night after getting home from the club, a slight buzz kicking in.
of everyone in the world, she's the person my guard is the most down for. i feel like i am beyond judgment with her and talking to her, parts of me come out that hide in front of other people. and it was really good to talk to her last night, and she didn't mind me monopolizing the conversation.
it makes me angry, too. because i wish i could be like that with other people. to just be able to talk to someone.
and then chatting to kristine. getting the right suggestions, the right questions, the right everything in response. making me realize that no matter how much something needs to be said, if it isn't said to the right person, its like not saying anything at all.
yesterday, i was thinking of meaningful things other people's moms have told me.
like the time her mom told me that we are never free. it resonated then and it resonates now and i think i really needed to hear it when she told me. or when k.'s mom told me that i need to force myself to do two things i don't want to do every day, and with time, it'll make my life a lot easier. gads how i wish i had listened to that latter bit back in high school.
i had also looked up three freaks whose names i'd remembered from HS, to see them not listed as alumni. it really saddened me to see that they, too, had been pushed out. that school is eerily notorious for that. in a semi affluent neighborhood, a class that started out with 200+ people graduated with 161. i wonder how that compares to the national statistic.
last night. lessee... plans with him fell through, so i stopped by star on the way home, picked up a yellow squash (that the register guy charged as a loose potato!) and a cucumber (i meant to grab a zucchini. go me for fucking up the stupidest things possible), some canned veggies and pasta sauce, came home and made pasta with veggies. it came out yummy, imho, and there's enough leftovers for me to stay good about not eating out.
did the writeup for casablanca but did not rent/watch ghost dog yet. should do that tonight. then, in the next week, there's a choice of american beauty or american graffiti (i'm tempted to pick the latter just because i haven't seen it yet) and mulholland drive or pulp fiction (that choice will be a tough one). the reading with the latter choice is antonin artaud *glee* i really love it when school makes me read things i want to read anyways. the homework i will have to do is kind of intimidating, but i think if i get everything up to that point done before SD, i can hope to do most of the intimidating stuff on the flights to and fro, and then have almost two weeks to polish it up and write the final essay. yeah.
after finishing up the homework, i spent a bit more time putzing around and then showered and went to the club.
overall, it was a good night, though i kept being surprised by how empty it was. i wasn't feeling overly talkative, but felt less-then-usually-awkward about not feeling talkative, which is a good thing.
for some reason, the lack of people made me feel to intimidated/unmotivated to dance, even though there were a few really good songs played. not quite sure what to think of that.
and i got home and got a little buzzy because his brother insisted drinks should be had at last call.
he wrote "We are prisoners of our own inability to act." and it strikes deeper then i want to go right now.
its deceptively sunny out. this will be good up until the point when i leave the building for lunch. then, reality will hit and anger me again. i have a hard time understanding people who('d) miss the seasons changing.
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no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 09:38 am (UTC)that's why therapists are good.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 09:58 am (UTC)and yeah, therapy can work towards that goal... i just see the problem as being a tail end to the 'not being productive enough'>'feeling stagnation'>'wallowing in stagnation' cycle, which needs a lot of work with therapy or without.
no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 10:56 am (UTC)Yeah, it's hard. I actually just talked to someone about stuff that I haven't talked about. It was weird and I felt like I was burdening them. Especially since most conversations include turn taking or issue sharing, when you just need someone to listen and focus on you for the moment. That was pretty much what I was saying about therapy. It was just a place to go and spew forth, even though I was paying the person to listen. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-11-14 10:12 am (UTC)~k
no subject
Date: 2002-11-15 11:42 am (UTC)thank you so much : )
would you be interested in watching it together sometime next week?
*giggle* and if you say you'll be too busy driving
oh - and i have a book you may be interested in if you're into the 50's - populuxe - i took an english class on the 50's a couple of years ago and it was one of our textbooks : )