yay for being neurotic!
Dec. 12th, 2002 02:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli forgot to set my alarm clock last night, but woke up in time to get to work within this week's range anyways.
of course i think i've gotten way too used to hitting snooze for a while, because i was so incredibly groggy it took a ton of effort to actually get up.
and amusingly enough, i didn't think i was very sleepy when i was going to bed & was worried that it'd take me a while to fall asleep. today, i remember getting into bed, being annoyed because the cat didn't want to stop hogging the blanket, pulling it sideways so i can be covered without having to lift her up & move her... and thats about it...
then again, i was beat by the time i got home last night. i was at work till 7, stopped by blockbuster (and his work, but he wasn't there) on my way home, came in, had dinner & watched the thin red line and then did a bunch of not-much and some school reading before it was bedtime.
i'd totally forgotten how long the thin red line is, though... it was almost 11 by the time i was done watching it.
doing the reading, i realized that the thin red line may not be an acceptable movie for the assignment, so i emailed the professor about it and didn't start on the paper. got a reply that said the movie is ok, so i gotta crank out the paper tonight. j0y.
but, i am looking forward to having no homework of any sort for the next 3 weeks.
overall, i think the online class thing worked for me.
right now, skimping through my classes works for me because at this point, i just want the credits, and i'm debating taking another one in the spring - if they'd just post the goddamn list. it'd be a lot of schoolwork to do, but the classes is under $200, and i figure at worst, i don't tranfer a bad grade and my gpa isn't affected at all. it'd certainly make it easier to justify not taking a course during one of the summer sessions, but i don't want to burn out, either.
link of the day, from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
owen, after he declined the privilige of being offered to drive my car to dunkies because i'm really failing at pulling my head out of my ass this morning. i'm really curious if the stuff would work.
i had a lot of thoughts last night.
i have come to realize that there is one aspect of my upbringing i really resent. when i was growing up, i didn't have to do anything. or... to phrase it differently, doing something was always extra. being in stasis was the status quo. aside from going to school, i had minimal chores that weren't enforced and my family never encouraged or facilitated doing anything other then reading. so, i was raised with "downtime" being the norm and being active as being extra, and its making my life now be a lot more difficult because i'm training myself into doing things, be it cleaning my room, doing house chores, doing homework, following through on interests, from scratch. its definately weird.
and i don't know how to explain that to my mom, so she doesn't do the same thing with abi and debbie.
this realization evolved over time, as i started seeing that people just keep going, past points where i'd want to stop and just "be" for a while... and that i can't keep being like this if i want to be okay with where i am in life. i guess i grew up with this assumption that people have a variable amount of natural momentum, and spend their life going at that pace. i accepted that i'm a low-momentum person. but, i'm starting to see that people that i thought were high-momentum people fight to keep themselves there and its really changing my perspective.
its also why i've been talking about trying to be more productive over the past months - being (more) productive is something that requires active concentration/focus for me now - but, i'm also seeing how its getting easier with time. a year ago, i wouldn't have gone to blockbuster right from work, wouldn't have popped in the movie before getting distracted, and would have spent the evening stressing over getting the paper done. and i'm really glad to see this progress in myself.
looks like my grandfather is on solid foods now, but they haven't moved him into his own room yet. i'm really hoping thats just standard time after heart surgery.
and i really wish i could be there for my mom through all this. i feel horrible because i was feeling off when she called last night, and wasn't really there to even talk much.
yesterday, she had a 17 hour day, that started with driving her father to the hospital at 5am, waiting during the surgery, going to work after it was over, and going to visit him after work. the thing is, it prolly wasn't much above and beyond her "normal" days. she works in the afternoon, so she ends up doing errands for the rest of the family during the mornings, and then needing to take care of the house once she gets back in h=the evenings. and she has 2 kids she's raising and 3 adults that require just as much time/energy because they can't speak english. i don't know how she hasn't snapped yet.
i also tried explaining all this to debbie the other day, but i don't think she understood. which is understandable, because at her age, i was too selfish to understand also, but still sucks.
something else that i've had to force myself to adjust to over the years is the concept of "ebb and flow". observing/being able to notice change just makes me want to go into panic mode. for a long time, i thought it was just "change", but then i realized that when things in me change, its a very flowing transition, and if the rest of my universe follows suit, everything is just fine. but, if i'm changing and my universe isn't, or, if my universe is and i'm not, my first reaction is to panic and want to "fix" things. she has been trying to get me to accept change for a while now, and its coming along very slowly - i don't think i flip out anymore, but i definately have to pause myself, take a deep breath and say "things ebb and flow"... but i think i need to readjust my definition of that - instinctively, i had taken that to mean "things will change back", where it should be something like "things will come to a point of comfort again", because creating expectations that things will return to where they were isn't the best way to deal with change.
and i've been thinking about something he said to me, about fighting to change yourself vs. creating workarounds that work with who you are. i have so many mixed feelings on that. because for years, i had been creating workarounds in my life to keep myself from fixing things that were definately broken. yet the parts of me that i want to change the most are my deep instictual reactions. (my mom picked up on the biggest of them first - that despite where my mind goes, by nature, i'm a conservative/resistant-to-change person. it took me a long time to understand the importance of what she'd been telling me)
two years ago today i was training here, just as tired as i am today, but having an actual reason for it. i went to bed at my bedtime, without having gone out, last night.
a year ago today i was cranky and talked about boys. i talked about zak, which is weird. i think twice a year, something hits and i try to reevaluate all my interactions with him, my decisions about him. i know this last time, i hadn't even thought of him until my mom brought it up, which is probably very good, but have dwelled on it a bit since. *shrug* i guess its just more proof that once i care about someone, they're in me, no matter what happens.
which actually brings me to something i think i forgot to mention the day it happened. through a couple of web searches, i found out that the person who i was best friends with in 7th and 8th grade recently lost her grandfather and that her brother (who i babysat) has asperger's and has prolly been taken into state custody. i couldn't find any info on her, and decided against emailing her mom.
of course i think i've gotten way too used to hitting snooze for a while, because i was so incredibly groggy it took a ton of effort to actually get up.
and amusingly enough, i didn't think i was very sleepy when i was going to bed & was worried that it'd take me a while to fall asleep. today, i remember getting into bed, being annoyed because the cat didn't want to stop hogging the blanket, pulling it sideways so i can be covered without having to lift her up & move her... and thats about it...
then again, i was beat by the time i got home last night. i was at work till 7, stopped by blockbuster (and his work, but he wasn't there) on my way home, came in, had dinner & watched the thin red line and then did a bunch of not-much and some school reading before it was bedtime.
i'd totally forgotten how long the thin red line is, though... it was almost 11 by the time i was done watching it.
doing the reading, i realized that the thin red line may not be an acceptable movie for the assignment, so i emailed the professor about it and didn't start on the paper. got a reply that said the movie is ok, so i gotta crank out the paper tonight. j0y.
but, i am looking forward to having no homework of any sort for the next 3 weeks.
overall, i think the online class thing worked for me.
right now, skimping through my classes works for me because at this point, i just want the credits, and i'm debating taking another one in the spring - if they'd just post the goddamn list. it'd be a lot of schoolwork to do, but the classes is under $200, and i figure at worst, i don't tranfer a bad grade and my gpa isn't affected at all. it'd certainly make it easier to justify not taking a course during one of the summer sessions, but i don't want to burn out, either.
link of the day, from
owen, after he declined the privilige of being offered to drive my car to dunkies because i'm really failing at pulling my head out of my ass this morning. i'm really curious if the stuff would work. i had a lot of thoughts last night.
i have come to realize that there is one aspect of my upbringing i really resent. when i was growing up, i didn't have to do anything. or... to phrase it differently, doing something was always extra. being in stasis was the status quo. aside from going to school, i had minimal chores that weren't enforced and my family never encouraged or facilitated doing anything other then reading. so, i was raised with "downtime" being the norm and being active as being extra, and its making my life now be a lot more difficult because i'm training myself into doing things, be it cleaning my room, doing house chores, doing homework, following through on interests, from scratch. its definately weird.
and i don't know how to explain that to my mom, so she doesn't do the same thing with abi and debbie.
this realization evolved over time, as i started seeing that people just keep going, past points where i'd want to stop and just "be" for a while... and that i can't keep being like this if i want to be okay with where i am in life. i guess i grew up with this assumption that people have a variable amount of natural momentum, and spend their life going at that pace. i accepted that i'm a low-momentum person. but, i'm starting to see that people that i thought were high-momentum people fight to keep themselves there and its really changing my perspective.
its also why i've been talking about trying to be more productive over the past months - being (more) productive is something that requires active concentration/focus for me now - but, i'm also seeing how its getting easier with time. a year ago, i wouldn't have gone to blockbuster right from work, wouldn't have popped in the movie before getting distracted, and would have spent the evening stressing over getting the paper done. and i'm really glad to see this progress in myself.
looks like my grandfather is on solid foods now, but they haven't moved him into his own room yet. i'm really hoping thats just standard time after heart surgery.
and i really wish i could be there for my mom through all this. i feel horrible because i was feeling off when she called last night, and wasn't really there to even talk much.
yesterday, she had a 17 hour day, that started with driving her father to the hospital at 5am, waiting during the surgery, going to work after it was over, and going to visit him after work. the thing is, it prolly wasn't much above and beyond her "normal" days. she works in the afternoon, so she ends up doing errands for the rest of the family during the mornings, and then needing to take care of the house once she gets back in h=the evenings. and she has 2 kids she's raising and 3 adults that require just as much time/energy because they can't speak english. i don't know how she hasn't snapped yet.
i also tried explaining all this to debbie the other day, but i don't think she understood. which is understandable, because at her age, i was too selfish to understand also, but still sucks.
something else that i've had to force myself to adjust to over the years is the concept of "ebb and flow". observing/being able to notice change just makes me want to go into panic mode. for a long time, i thought it was just "change", but then i realized that when things in me change, its a very flowing transition, and if the rest of my universe follows suit, everything is just fine. but, if i'm changing and my universe isn't, or, if my universe is and i'm not, my first reaction is to panic and want to "fix" things. she has been trying to get me to accept change for a while now, and its coming along very slowly - i don't think i flip out anymore, but i definately have to pause myself, take a deep breath and say "things ebb and flow"... but i think i need to readjust my definition of that - instinctively, i had taken that to mean "things will change back", where it should be something like "things will come to a point of comfort again", because creating expectations that things will return to where they were isn't the best way to deal with change.
and i've been thinking about something he said to me, about fighting to change yourself vs. creating workarounds that work with who you are. i have so many mixed feelings on that. because for years, i had been creating workarounds in my life to keep myself from fixing things that were definately broken. yet the parts of me that i want to change the most are my deep instictual reactions. (my mom picked up on the biggest of them first - that despite where my mind goes, by nature, i'm a conservative/resistant-to-change person. it took me a long time to understand the importance of what she'd been telling me)
two years ago today i was training here, just as tired as i am today, but having an actual reason for it. i went to bed at my bedtime, without having gone out, last night.
a year ago today i was cranky and talked about boys. i talked about zak, which is weird. i think twice a year, something hits and i try to reevaluate all my interactions with him, my decisions about him. i know this last time, i hadn't even thought of him until my mom brought it up, which is probably very good, but have dwelled on it a bit since. *shrug* i guess its just more proof that once i care about someone, they're in me, no matter what happens.
which actually brings me to something i think i forgot to mention the day it happened. through a couple of web searches, i found out that the person who i was best friends with in 7th and 8th grade recently lost her grandfather and that her brother (who i babysat) has asperger's and has prolly been taken into state custody. i couldn't find any info on her, and decided against emailing her mom.
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no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 12:17 pm (UTC)Interesting to hear someone else's (roughly) similar experiences.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 12:37 pm (UTC)i wanted to have jobs, as my parents didn't believe in allowences (and overall, my mom raised me in a "take care of yourself on your own" kind of way)
i had weekend jobs when i was 12-14, had a horrible (50 hr/week) babysitting job the summer i was 16 and my first geek job when i was a senior in high school.
and i have a much easier time working then being in school. the two times i dropped out of school, i was pretty much as-low-as-i-go, and getting a full time job was my way of pulling myself up.
i never got the hang of forcing myself to do homework, and have an easier time with the mindset of "i'm at work, so i have to do work" then "i'm home from class, but have homework to do", so school pushes a lot of my buttons.
Re:
Date: 2002-12-12 08:09 pm (UTC)Despite the converse experiences, I can totally see why school is tough for you. I can't seem to leave it behind. If I'm not taking classes, I have to be teaching them. I can't even imagine working somewhere that's not academia. I don't understand how the Real World (tm) works. Thank Goddess teachers are in such high demand.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 07:08 am (UTC)wow...
my parents never pressured me to have a job during the school year, but there were a couple of summers where i wasn't working, and my mom definately let me know that getting a job would be preferable to me sitting at home.
overall, i started to "need" to have/spend my own money when i was 12 or so... luckily for me, i usually get money for birthday/new years gifts from my family, so even when i wasn't working, i still had money of my own i could ration.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 12:56 am (UTC)*hugs and smooches*
~k
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 07:19 am (UTC)you know my shpiel - once i think of some way i could be guaranteed to pay off loans without any problems (ie, a definitive career path), i'll do what it takes to get my degree quickly.
in the meantime, the less anchors i tie to myself, the better - its bad enough that my lifestyle has gone beyond the point where my parents could support me through school like they had before.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 03:37 pm (UTC)You need to think in smaller spurts. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 03:56 pm (UTC)does the percenage of an entry you read vary based on the length of the entry?
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 04:01 pm (UTC)I usually skim most entries during the day and then try to read the ones fully that I find interesting when I get home from work.
If it's a small entry I read the entire thing -- mid sized entries I will still read if they're actually engaging or have to do with a topic I have interest in.
Long entries are usually skipped on a fairly regular basis. =)
no subject
Date: 2002-12-12 04:49 pm (UTC)well, my entries are split up into paragraphs, if you're curious enough to try an approach for reading them...
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 12:49 am (UTC)i guess its just more proof that once i care about someone, they're in me, no matter what happens.
i totally feel you on that one. *big sigh of a desperate romantic* : )
no subject
Date: 2002-12-13 07:20 am (UTC)*lol*
i dare you to live within 100 miles of me for a year, and then look back at that statement.
*smooches*